When I see most people around me I feel that they are much better than me. I am not being self deprecating here. I have started an online diary hoping that it would give me a reprieve from reality and I don't care how sick this sounds anymore.

Its funny how you care about others, want to show them that you care but since you suck at that its no use and they believe that you feel nothing. devoid. no care not an inkling of consideration for them.

I wish I could change myself. Really I wouldn't mind it at all! But life's the way it is. I have so many things to do. A truckload of things really. But sometimes its tough to go on. I can't stop myself from quitting though. Its probably because of my need for perfection. I am not bragging or anything like that. Its just that I always have this pressure to be the good girl, good daughter and I fail in all those things. So the only thing left is good grades.

13 Jan 2023- Stifled

HOLA!&nbsp;Hey! It's my first time writing an online journal and sharing my thoughts, my feelings in a public platform. I'll try to be as&nbsp;honest as I can be with my feelings.&nbsp;&nbsp;So today is my first day of writing a journal and I don't know where to start from. Lately I have been feeling zoned out a little bit and ya maybe this is the only reason why I am here so that at least I can listen and talk to myself. Everyone has some kind of issues, problems and difficulties&nbsp;which they have to face some or the other time but the question is when? Today, tomorrow, day after tomorrow or right now, cause you can never escape from the reality and one day it's gone be "The Day".&nbsp;For now, I just want to leave here with the note&nbsp; "Just freaking face it".

Just ME

At this point… I just can’t go around in circles anymore. And this stain of my mom and the reality of my parents again is glaring. Of course I am now miserable again because every day is torture. And its reminder of every time I already felt this desperate and reached out to my parents. They never actually helped me with anything. My parents have always either been the reason I was suffering extraordinarily or&nbsp;I think I’ve reached a point where my mind won’t even really let me repeat anymore.. its like the reason this was so painful the whole time was it was logical to reach the conclusion that the pain would never stop because of my parents. They refused to help me and their “help” is only ever more pain. Every time they could help they chose to hurt but call it help.&nbsp;&nbsp;I've spent 2 years with this latest pain that is unbearable to live with. Its something I have to accept after 2 years that these urologists have no clue what they’re doing either. So many incompetent doctors and urologists and people willing to just sell you for any amount of money. My own parents were the force behind all of it, not the gov.. they did their work for them.&nbsp;&nbsp;Anyway, I was getting by on gabapentin but I can’t live like that either.. &nbsp;i need to actually solve the root issues, and my own parents are still denying me.. this is decades later after I first accepted my death and was not given any mercy to die.. even though id accepted my parents poisoned me. People have no idea the pain that follows with accepting your own death and not being able to die. It was all logical and more than a person could bare in pain. My parents were responsible.&nbsp;&nbsp;This latest pain developed most likely as a consequence of a consequence from the penile disorder developed very young as yet another side effect of the pills my parents forced me on.&nbsp;&nbsp;Am I the only person that has any decency left? I would never EvEr do what my parents have done.&nbsp;&nbsp;The bottom line is everyday for me is torture.. and nothing but,.. it didn’t used to be… again I had hope .. but after speaking to my mother and being reminded of how evil she is.. how she could just deny me and all my feelings and words.. every single time.. its so hard to even speak on now.. theres so much legitimate trauma here.&nbsp;All the hope I had to do my music … the one thing that I could have at least made all the pain worth living through.. I thought.. I never got a chance to do.. I only got to show like 5 percent of me..&nbsp;No one should have to accept their own death and keep going.. thats the worst torture of all.. for decades.. not one or two years.. and not being shown ANY mercy or compassion or understanding… nobody listened to me about my parents..&nbsp;Its been proven my mother inverts things now. My whole life I washes gaslit and run in circles of lunacy with either of my parents.. there was no speaking to them.. no point you could make that they would admit..&nbsp;Every day I could have prevented things from getting worse.. up until a point.. im not superman.. im a very strong human but im not superman.&nbsp;&nbsp;Every day my penis and perineum&nbsp; stays half hard and I cannot wear clothing again most of the time or sit down on my perineum.. and there are no answers.. always such obvious phsycail symptoms for things and me speaking on them.. and people like my parents and the doctors ignoring what actually happened and lied about every detail.. so it was so many abuses on top of abuses on top of abuses. And its still happening.. I never got out. I should have gotten out.. if I wasn’t ever going to even have a chance to sing or make music simply for my mental health even.. and not have understanding and support about that from my own parents I mean what the hell was I even entertaining being around here for anymore. And why would anyone try to stop me and keep torutring me further..&nbsp;&nbsp;\my mother is here saying should be grateful for being tortured. I have had the will to live the entire time.. but I’ve been living in a cage and not even able to do what I could just because of the circumstances here and my mom and dad do nothing but deny everything and change all the details.&nbsp;&nbsp;I could not bare to go on with these different agonizing pains.. I wanted to make my life worth it.. but my parents would not even let me do the thing I loved and survived to do. That was music.. I wasn’t even allowed .. what did I survive for? To just be tortured.. and my mother to say I should be grateful to hurt while she does nothing but lie about me and say what I feel and dictate reality when she’s a psychopath and doesn’t care at all about me.&nbsp;&nbsp;Its the weirdest thing. I could have been shown some decency.. some compassion.. its always flipped upside down with my mother.&nbsp;&nbsp;What other way can I say it? I can’t get a good urologist and its the latest in the damage to my pelvis and all these things I tried so hard to prevent and my mother and father just wouldn’t listen to me about. Just like decades earlier.. it was always my parents behind everything. Every single thing had the root source of my parents causing the pain.. and somehow this wasn’t ever addressed?&nbsp;&nbsp;My entire life.. just stolen from me.. so much torture.. and no mercy.. and so far beyond what the average person could ever handle.. no credit.. nothing..&nbsp;&nbsp;No one should ever have to live this way.. I tried every way and I found avenues and my parents still STILLLLLL forced me to live in the most torturous of ways on purpose.. just denied every word I said..&nbsp;&nbsp;I had no other choices.. literally nothing else I could do.. and then you have these opposites of me the weakest people I know by far and the most evil - my own parents.. and they’re the ones dictating my life to this day..&nbsp;I never should have survived past 16 if I was never going to be listened to and I knew that. Thats where the&nbsp; biggest feeling of hopelessness always originated… my parents. All it would have taken was listening and supporting me at all.. but all my parents ever did was argue ignore and deny me.&nbsp;&nbsp;I don’t know what else to say.. I pushed everything to the limit and almost nobody offered me anything.. nobody cares.. its been almost 2 years of this latest pain condition getting to this point. I do believe it could have been prevented, at least from getting this bad.. its all interconnected and I know so much would have been helped being supported to do music. That was all I asked surviving.. and my parents are so incredibly cruel that they made up every excuse to keep me trapped. They’ve known all along how they were suffocating me financially and using things so I could not speak out or else I would not even have a place to stay at all.&nbsp;&nbsp;This is not an acceptable way to live, AT ALL, FOR A VERY LONG TIME. And I documented everything that shows how bad my mother and father really are.. how they can deny every word I say and just make things up.. what do I have&nbsp; do to make people understand this?What do I have to do? What do I have to do to make people know im the real deal and my parents are fucking monsters? I never wanted to spend any time on this I just wanted to sing and make music - its literally the only thing I survived for if I was going to survive.. and make something out of that.. but I was just forced to barely get by and live in pain and not even express myself.. all along why did my parents not want me to make music? Why were there always these lies over and over… and nobody stood by me..&nbsp;Too easy to just write me off .. but I was right. I never should have had to live this way with zero compassion and my own parents lying about me .. my whole life..&nbsp;&nbsp;Theres no defense and no excuses here and Im so fucking sick of this. My parents could have helped with the least of this so id even have a reason at all to live through the pain but I can barely walk or urinate and if anything touches that part of my body its just so painful.. just like when I was a child and the pain that I dealt with was denied by my own mother and created by her..&nbsp;&nbsp;This inversion of reality and hurting people that have no way to stop it is so fucking cruel. I should have had a choice.. any time in my life… there was nothing wrong with me mentally, it was just all the pain and lies from them combined.&nbsp;&nbsp;I don’t play hyperbolic games.. it truly is like my parents are the complete inverse and will lie about literally anything and deny anything and this whole thing is the most twisted psychological abuse ever from my perspective.. this is decades of my own parents denying me and being at the root of every pain and having doctors align and deny the actual sources and have me stuck on pills …&nbsp;The whole thing is just a mess.&nbsp;Im oalmost 40 years old and theres not a shred of justice here and to have it go this way.. nobody helped.. the pains got worse and worse because I never escaped this apartment and my my parents were just rich people may whole life that spent on them and found ways to make it look like they cared for me but lied and omitted all details everything was just to paint a picture.Theres nothing left to do now except just accept again and yeah its a horrible story that this went on so long and not a single person would show me any mercy or compassion. After so many years of these two people controlling my life knowing I couldn’t make money on my own and what they did to make me bedridden so often..&nbsp;&nbsp;Im so tired. And im so tired of being abused and denied and ignored..&nbsp;&nbsp;Its such a tragedy… all the time wasted. Everything I served through.. and my parents and nobody could just help me move to a place I could record from? Through all this pain.. the one thing.. and I believe it would have been something a lot of people would have liked to hear .. something very deep and genuine that is rare..&nbsp;&nbsp;What else can I say? Or do? It goes so much deeper than this and my understanding is so deep .. makes it so hard because I see so many steps ahead and the inversion is so deep that its like .. its the hardest thing to deal with - the psychological abuse aspects of this are so bad.. because it is that extreme gaslit feeling and&nbsp; true craziness. I deserved far better treatment, not abuse… in the guise of “help”.. thats always my mom.. saying she loves or helps but hurts and hates..&nbsp;&nbsp;Theres only so much a person can do, and no one can blame me for reaching the logical conclusion. My parents are monsters. I didn’t have to be stuck in this place for the last six months, the entirety of winter - all the time gone and things set in place this way - I reached out to my mom and I documented how she treated me and proved again her denial and omissions of truth etc.&nbsp; The least that could be done to help me live comfortably- needed to be done… but my parents denied me like always.. pretending they’re good people but are the furthest thing from it.. I’ve faced pure evil my whole life..&nbsp;&nbsp;Its just sick..&nbsp;Turned out to be right.. and never got credit or a chance.. just evil people that piled on me more.. like my mother.. and used the amount of abuse to overwhelm me and gaslight me to make me seem crazy.. its all so evil.&nbsp;&nbsp;To make someone live with such anger too… logical earned anger… and to force someone to live like that… no compassion no mercy no understanding.. no anything but more wrong..&nbsp;&nbsp;Evil.. evil.. evil.. evil.. evil../&nbsp;&nbsp;Jist evil. I never had a chance. Because they had full control.&nbsp;&nbsp;I should have had control and I could have prevented my parents from doing what they did to me… over and over again.. even the last two years.. even the last six months.. I could have prevented so much. I could have saved myself from such torture.. at least to that degree.. but nobody would help me move or help with the smallest things. Instead my mom says I should be thankful to live to experience only pain because she’s an absolute monster and as long as she isn’t feeling pain then it doesn’t matter.&nbsp;&nbsp;Every time I would find hope my parents would take it from me.&nbsp;What can I do now when I can barely walk anymore half the time due to the perineum and so much is physically wrong and its all interconnected.. and nobody would listen to me.. my parents denied me the most yet again in the last texts and I documented that well again.&nbsp;&nbsp;My whole life I did the work and I documented and I did all the right things and I just got fucked over and over again. They’re abusers.. liars.. experts at manipulating and gaslighting and making you go in circles.. maddening.. thats just who my parents are and I’ve never met a worse case in my life.. I’ve never met anyone I hated or that caused me any type of pain the same way .. I could never be angry at anyone else because no one could ever treat me so badly..&nbsp;&nbsp;I should have either had a way to live or to die.. not begging for some decency in either direction.. and getting nothing. I worked every angle.. I tried to do everything and my parents still treated me like shit and lied about things and still going around lying.. and im living just suffering.. and did all I could to leave and use the last time of my life and still couldn’t get out of here to just simply live my purpose.. no support.. none. I didn’t need anything but to move to a place I could do it from, thats all. It was simple. Just like 25 years ago it was simple. But I never got any support from my parents only the opposite. And then they’d lie and lie and lie about every detail.. still doing it.. and nobody cares…&nbsp;Nobody cares..&nbsp;I am a very very hard worker and disciplined person.. the opposite of my mother and father.. they just pretend.. they’re very lazy and just watching tv all day and always been so stupid and combined with all the worst traits.. they’re just fakes. So many people in this world are fake. You don’t get someone real like me without going through it.. badly..&nbsp;&nbsp;And knowing my parents will always play this angle as long as they’re alive is — its just terrible to know your parents are that evil they’ll always omit the details and lie and portray you a certain way.. they’re just monsters. I never had a chance that way.&nbsp;&nbsp;And combined with sick people in the medical field that would just deny every word I said just like my parents and treat me that way.. just horrible. All ganged up on me as a kid and no doubt they would all do the same now. These are sick disturbed people that have no problem making anything up at the expense of someone else. I didn’t deserve any of this. And id been living already with a penis that didn’t work for over 20 years from the pills they put me on .. never got to have a real relationship because I didn’t even know what it felt like after age 15. Two years of normalcy.. then zero for the rest of my life.. before I even had a relationship.. I was healthy enough before that.. everything .. it was all preventable.. my parents just forced it on me.. all of it. And just deny deny deny.. im the problem somehow.. I was logical the entire time.. everything was as it would be in response..&nbsp;&nbsp;Nobody listens to me.. nobody cares. Nobody fucking held my parents accountable or the doctors.. nobody listened to me.&nbsp;&nbsp;Its like the crazy people have been running the asylum. My mother has diagnosed mental issues but all she could do is project and demonize me point at me.. same with my father.. maddening circles of illogical shit that&nbsp; I’ve never encountered with anyone else.. thats my parents.. I’ve only experienced this with people with severe personality disorders..&nbsp;&nbsp;I was badly abused to have to interact with this every day.. like nothing but gaslighting and weird behavior.. and my brain just doing all it can to find some ways to navigate all of this so many years later.. and when I was that patient and that strong to keep it inside and keep going like this..&nbsp;&nbsp;Nobody cares and nacres .. not really.. people would genuinely help not “help” and hurt instead or make this continue for another ten years and another.. when it turned out that I was right all along, about everything.&nbsp;&nbsp;Ive known what works and what doesn’t work and I’ve had it right all along. I just had terribly selfish sick and generally severely undeveloped people for parents.. Ive seen everything through and learned everything so many times over… and yet im looked at in an inverse way from the reality of who I am.. and rooted from my own parents.. its all very demonic - that inversion of good and evil and truth and lies…&nbsp;&nbsp;I didn’t deserve any of this. I could have been given anything to help me live comfortably … but nothing .. always… nothing.. no mercy no compassion no logic nothing right… yet I knew the entire time.&nbsp;Couldn’t have been a worse way to torture me. And my mom will still call it all love.&nbsp;

I woke up with the thought of Sonam Wangchuk's days long fasting protest in Ladakh….Not sure If I was dreaming about that but the first conscious thought on waking up in morning today was that !…..I was feeling a rage inside, Ladakh's vulnerable environment is in danger, a man has been fasting for so long, the entire Ladakhi community is on road protesting and there is zero coverage in mainstream media, the central government is anyway purposefully turning a deaf ear but how the people call themselves journalists can stoop that low !! The mineral reach Ladakh / Hasdeo forest in Chhattisgarh reminds me of the movie Avatar, how corporate and politicians are ready to have blood on their hands for money !!I wrote in some newspaper pages, put some comments here and there…observed the turmoil in the minds went on for so long !I often get raged with social injustice…I try to remind myself that this is how the world runs but the sorrow affects me a lot, saddens me to very personal level, I feel outraged towards the institutions that are causing it !Do I identify myself with the victims ? Somewhere some how that rage of not being able to defend myself as a child, the role of the parents as mute spectator…..I guess I identify myself with the victims and the parents or the perpetrators with institutions… What I could not do back then, I try to give that justice to them now, in my head !

Today I messaged to my ex to share about the things happening in my life as a friend. He is already married and his wife knows about us. He said he is free &amp; called me.. I started speaking casually by asking about their well being...We don't have the habit of speaking regularly but whenever something good / bad happens we share with each other. We always wish the best for each other.Similarly, I messaged in the pursuit of sharing my worries, thoughts. All my other friends are busy, occupied with their own lives. But it came to my notice that his wife is not comfortable if he speaks with me even though she is aware that we are just good friends and nothing beyond that.When she noticed that he is speaking with me she said that just like how she is sharing her worries with u even though as a friend .. Shall I do the same about u both talking to each other with others...Honestly, I was shocked &amp; couldn't process it for sometime. I was literally at loss of words with the understanding and immaturity I have noticed. I just felt bad, embarrassed at how people think about me. So I informed my ex that I am not gonna call again and disturb them in any situation.Post sometime I realized that I am dejected, more depressed than embarrassed as he has been my close friend for almost a decade now. Now I think I lost a very good friend. May be if any girl is possessive about his guy would react in the same way I guess...&nbsp;It's hard to have a friend be it a girl or guy whom we can call at anytime of the day without any restrictions to share our feelings... I badly miss having a friend like that...

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People Change.. Nothing is Permanent

I have been thinking to journal since long , but the procrastinator that I am, always managed to distract myself into something else, be it social media dopamine dose or work that appear as urgent but not really important ! But I guess we always reach the limit when the dopamine does not give any more kick but a taste of guilt or a subtle taste of self loathing for being out of control !So finally here I am, starting to write my journal.I am forty six, working and earning reasonably to support my self and my family.&nbsp;But the question that often haunts &nbsp;“is that all ?” what is the purpose of this life ?I don't know its purpose but I know for sure that its not going up in the ladder of money, position, name or fame. May be its a good thing to know this, may be its a good starting point to look for something that has real meaning, but it also comes with its downside as there is no drive to achieve anything. The lure of the world does not work any more. The going becomes harder as there is no carrot hanging.The choices I am left with either to dig deep for that REAL or waste the opportunity by self-sabotage. I am aware that finding That REAL will not be easy, it will take a lot of everything. But that is the only path forward for me (or at least I am consciously not willing to choose self sabotage !)The starting point of that path for sure is discipline and consistency of effort which I have always struggled with. So the effort to journal my thoughts is also an effort for discipline and consistency. Is it very late ? Will find out.&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;

The beginning of penning 

Hi,This is my first sharing about my thoughts online. I don't know how to express myself clearly. Right now my thoughts are scattered.. don't know if my perspective is right or wrong.It's been few years of our marriage.. he is sweet loving caring husband. But he is very practical. Sometime I feel he is bit ahead of time in the way he perceive the things. May be this thought process might not be ideal &amp; suitable in all the circumstances. I am practical but emotional at the same time. Depending on the situation I will handle it in either way. As a result, if we both have different point of views in any situation (like one is logical other is emotional), I will be compromising in most of the situations. But is that correct ?For example, when any 2 people meet they will have shyness, bit of awkwardness, excitement, interest everything. As time passes, they become more comfortable with each other as their relationship grows. But if one person shares some thoughts which they are not comfortable or dislike and if the partner does the same even after knowing that. Does that mean the partner have respect towards the other. My wife point of view is I like it so I am doing it, but I love u and can't hurt u so don't probe or don't know these things. Even if u knew something don't share with me until I do as I need the space and not comfortable in discussing those topics.&nbsp;Initially I felt sad bad bit betrayed as I have heard so many lies but later understood her point of view and I thought I should respect that and accepted whatever has happened. But only requested not to repeat the same as I am not at all comfortable with that. However, she couldn't give her word as she is not sure abut herself and she want the freedom to commit the mistake … it doesn't mean she is gonna do that again but she wants that comfort and freedom. Honestly, I love her so much and I wanna give the same to her but I can't do that if she is being discreet and not honest with me.I just don't like if the one person I am gonna share my entire life is lying to me or couldn't respect my thoughts. Don't know what's the right mindset to maintain in this situation… so I have decided to ignore and not to give much importance on whether I am hearing is truth or lie. Decided to give the space and concentrate more on myself, my career.&nbsp;The problem is I am being disturbed whenever I am realizing what I heard earlier is a lie. Feeling sad that even though I am allowing &amp; giving space still my partner is not being honest, trusting me enough to share with me. May be she might share in future but until then what's the best way to deal with this ???&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;

Confusion Confusion

Just getting used to this. Thinking of where I am going to share and compile some personal things. Considering how much I type a day, no matter how long it is, it will be a blip in comparison. I am processing the things in my life. I feel there was a lot of psychological abuse that was never acknowledged. Physical abuse as well, but I feel like the psycholgical abuse is inherent in them. They are both mentally ill, but they spent my life projecting and inverting everything, arguing with me on everything, critiquing and saying i was crazy and belonged in hospital… only i was right about everything. So it is kind of a tragic story, subjected to the will of two insane people that were portraying me as insane and bad in general when i was nothing of the sort. And now Im almost 40 years old and they are in their 70s. But i was recently reminded, as I hadnt spoken to my mother in 6 years, I gave it a try again, but it just proved my instincts correct again. She is very selfish, and weak, and I believe weakness leads to negative aspects of human nature reigning supreme. My mother would rather live in denial at my expense, and continue to spread lies about what actually happened to me, blame me for things she and my father are responsible for… etc. There is no acknowledgement, remorse, nothing.&nbsp;

13 Jan 2023- Stifled

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