It's the 1st of February. Yesterday I decided that from tomorrow I will start writing on this website and publish it online. Some days will be great, some will be sad, some will be anxious, some will be full of lessons, some will just be a letter to my past to future self, while some will be the comfort for a stranger.&nbsp;&nbsp;I write because I love it. Writing is something that I never want to stop. I hope my writing will help someone someday. I always want to understand people, how they are feeling, what is bothering them, and the things they can't express to anyone and question themselves; I don't want that.&nbsp;Because they don't deserve that. Don't worry; you will be fine, and I will post an article on this website every day :)&nbsp;

Commit to Myself 

Yesterday was my birthday. I'm 41 now.Im feeling as if I'm starting my life exactly 17 years ago. Searching for work, living a bachelor life, struggling for daily chores.&nbsp;

Im 41

I've been ahead of myself lately. I'm not always the best at things or picking the right words at the right moments and It feels like there's always an empty space and when that empty space is gone life shifts and feels better but eventually the room becomes empty again. Actually i'm use to the room being empty its been empty most my life in fact its been so empty i forgot what it felt like to not be the only one in the room anymore. Well anyways I encourage strength be strong focus make the best out of life.

Empty room

Spriha is diagnosed with dengue and she probably picked up the bug from Delhi itself. we were supposed to fly back together on 19th August, but i returned alone. It was miserable. It constatntly felt like I was leaving her behind. It could have and should have happened to me. She cant be sick, nothing bad should ever happen to her. I feel lonely without her. I hope she gets better soon, I have so many plans for her. I am going to miss being with her on her birthday. Its so sad. But I will try as much as I can to make it up to her. I love her so much.

Feels like I left her

A man who wishes to protect the women in his life…. wonderful women in his life—his mother, daughter, sister, wife or girlfriend—All are his strength and inspiration, He often feels a strong sense of responsibility to ensure their safety and well-being. This protective instinct may lead him to impose certain restrictions, such as advising them to avoid unsafe areas, be cautious about the sur oundings they are in, or take precautions when they are traveling alone. His possessiveness may stem from a deep desire to keep them safe from harm, though it's important that this does not infringe on their freedom or autonomy.His intense is to provide a secure environment where they can thrive, balancing his protective nature with respect for their independence. He expresses his love and commitment to their safety, reaffirming his lifelong promise to stand by them and protect them in every way he can.Dear Woman,You are valued, and forever guarded by the strength of those who care for you. Happy Raksha Bandhan! Stay strong and cherished, today and always.From Gentleman.

Happy Raksha Bandhan

Lately iv'e tried to to remain strong I usually do very well keeping it together but recently things haven't been the greatest. I just wish I knew how to be to not be judged or hated or what I could do for people to feel more comfortable around me. I hold my self together pretty well but truth is I don't like being looked at like i'm no good. People misjudge me all the time and call me mean things and say harsh things and everyone else seems to accept each other. I get it though it happens people are entitled to their opinions but sometimes it sucks to hear them.. I'm not A bad guy I just wish more and more people could see that but not temporarily… It would be nice to not feel like some kind of monster or burden, To be honest sometimes I imagine what it would feel like to be truly accepted to not be misjudged. The opinions don't matter I am stronger than that.. than this. I'll pull it together and push through this. I can do it, things will be alright.

Hanging in

I've been looking in the sky past the stars into the void sometimes it feels like it captures me and it's almost as if I dwell there for A little while. I live in reality but I see more than what the eye can catch always staying ahead being strong regardless of what vision is next.

Friday. Thanks God it's Friday. Okay okay. It's not like other weekdays are so hard or so awful. She lives her best life now. She is good-looking, smart, fit, and has a good job, an apartment, a car, and a small dog who she loves to the Moon and back. Okay, she doesn't have anybody who creates butterfly movement in her stomach, but still, it's much better than it could be. She came from the office happy that her coworker, who she can't stand, will be off on Monday. What is wrong with her coworker? He is arrogant and vain. She doesn't care about him, but she is more happy when he is out of the office.This weekend will be easy. She doesn't have any particular plans - the maid will come tomorrow and clean the apartment, and on Sunday she will go to the gym and out of town.It's very calm nowadays. No new people in her life. She is a little upset, but maybe because of her age, she is not worried. When she looks back she understands she could not live as before - too many clubs, too much alcohol, no sleep. Now she prefers cozy evenings at home with her small dog - Peach, who sleeps calmly on her lap instead of a club night. And it would be nice to have a nice guy nearby. She believes everything has its own time.&nbsp;

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Cozy evening. Real time

She was a strong and not confident 30-year-old woman. Why was she strong? She was 2 years old when her father was diagnosed with a spinal tumor. From age 3 she became an adult who cared for her father while her mother was working. Where cared means feeding, giving to drink, and helping to use the bathroom. Why was she not confident? Nobody has ever told her she was smart, or beautiful. Nobody cared about her. She could not blame anybody for that. Everybody was so upset and desperate about what had happened to her father that they didn’t have time to think about her and her feelings. So, in her 30th she didn’t know how to love herself. She didn’t know how to choose men who could love her. But she knew that she needed to work and to be independent. Her mom was always telling her that she needed to earn her own money. Also, her mom told her that she was not beautiful enough to marry a rich guy. So, she was a strong and not confident woman.You think her life was boring. You are wrong. Her life was much more interesting than you can imagine. When she was small, she didn't understand how bad it was that her father could move only his head. She didn't remember him healthy. So she was living her life normally, as she thought. And only on her 30th when her best friend insisted on visiting a psychologist, she understood her childhood was not normal at all.&nbsp;

Beginning

Spriha is very sad today. She was very sad yesterday also. She feels nobody likes her. She feels lonely. I think she feels lonely even when she is with me. She likes the company of other people. I believe I might get too boring for her, or even, she does not like too much of me. I won't say I get her, because I can never have enough of her. Its like, even if I spend 24 hours with her, I'd think, why didn't I spend 25. But I know people who want to socialize and be friends with other people, and that, I believe is actually normal. I am the weird one, and I had accepted that long time back. But there are a bunch of girls in our class with whom Spriha wants to be friends with, but she feels excluded from that group most of the time. She always seems sad now and more than often breaks into tears. Here is the thing: I do not know how to comfort people. She talks to her roommate, and I guess she calms her down pretty well, but it should be me right who is always taking care of her? But I never know what to say. I always end up saying that I will always be with her, and that I am always available and that I will always lover her no matter what, but I feel its not enough. Its not comforting enough. And I believe I am losing my edge in making her laugh. Only if I could do that constantly, she'd always be happy. I really really feel helpless right now. She is very sad. I have bring my bubbly smiley girl back. I hope rest of today will be better. I will try my best.

Why can't I comfort people?

Idk what's gonna happen today. But I just had the best day of my life. I have Spriha, she's a blessing. We are both in IIT Delhi. Every night after dinner, we take a walk and I drop her to her hostel. We went to the field near her hostel, and just laid on the grass, while playing Yellow. It is the best moment of my life. I have never felt this happy ever. It was difficult for me to accept new change, but moments like this give me hope to look forward to the next day.

Starting my journal: Best Day of my Life

Time has come to say good bye to Adobe.Team mates wrote some really nice words…<a href="https://www.kudoboard.com/boards/Znw9woaZ#view">https://www.kudoboard.com/boards/Znw9woaZ#view</a>&nbsp;Yesterday was my farewell… Will update more…

Bye Bye Adobe - Finally After 14 years - Farewell

&nbsp;I don't know what to do and I've asked for some kind of DIRECT sign what to do but nothing is happening for me.&nbsp;On the thoughts of religion and stuff. Well..I have always questioned if I should commit to a faith of some kind. As if I believe it will fix whatever is broken inside of me, both literally and metaphorically. I don't want to be one of those people that only turns to a religion or a deity because they're in distress, done something bad or just feeling sorry for themselves. If I'm going to do it then I want to do it right.&nbsp;&nbsp;

June 22nd 2024

I'm quickly starting to realise that nothing can really save me.&nbsp;I'm still in the same mindset as I have been for however long I've been in the mindset of not wanting to be here.&nbsp;I'm incredibly drained in a lot of aspects of life, I don't even feel like I can be a mother at this point. It's like my body is just here, doing what I have to do, answering questions, listening to what's been said but I feel like I'm so empty but it's not just with being a parent. It's interacting with everyone. It's like playing pretend except you aren't getting any joy out of it. But what is happy really? I don't know, I don't think I'll ever know.&nbsp;

June 16th 2024

I'm incredibly sad and lonely. I feel like my heart hurts and my soul hurts and that I just want to die. I'm so hurt by so much.. I feel like I'm not even here like I'm so distant from whoever or whatever I am. My mind isn't clear it feels so heavy and burdened. It's clogged up and I just want to sleep. I don't even want to eat and that's the one thing I usually do when I'm depressed but this is not my usual or normal depression, it's so much worse than that. I hate everything so much.&nbsp;

8th June 2024

Love doesn't exist outside of fiction, not for people like me. I wouldn't say I've done anything inherently bad, but I'm no saint either. I used to be a bit of a slut, when I was just a young girl, fourteen maybe. After I was raped at twelve I really didn't give two fucks about myself. I once left the front screen door unlocked a two year old I was looking after escaped her cot and went walking down the road in just a nappy. I've ghosted countless of people because I didn't want to get attached to them but also didn't have the guts to tell them I couldn't be close to them or break up with them.&nbsp;I've lied about a lot of things to people because it's made me sound interesting. Because if people knew the real me they'd realise I'm just nothing but a boring bag of trauma. I don't have hobbies, I don't have a social life, I don't have money, fame or anything else another may want in someone. I don't have family or the need for sex. Basically, I'm not particularly the ideal candidate for anyone, not to mention I'm obese and so mentally ill that I can't stand my own company.&nbsp;I spend most of my time questioning if I'm too far gone to be forgiven by a God that I'm not sure I even believe in since I'm more drawn to things like paganism or Buddhism but not enough that I can commit to either.&nbsp;Love doesn't exist outside of fiction.. especially not for people like me, because I can't even learn to love myself.&nbsp;I didn't exactly come from loving roots. A father who abandoned me, an alcoholic drug addict mother that constantly had abusive boyfriends living with us. It was always rough growing up when your mother would have food for the cats and money from drugs, alcohol and cigarettes but never enough to feed me more than boiled cabbage and whatever bottom of the barrel meat that she could get.&nbsp;She wasn't a good mother. When I made my first suicide attempt she called me stupid and smacked my head but that was all. I had been sexually abused only a few months before at aged twelve and she hadn't been there for any kind of comfort.&nbsp;Before, I mentioned that I was a liar, but my childhood and the abuse that happened as I got older too was something I never lied about, most of the time I've tried to hide it in fact because it only further concretes how fucked up I am. It's not exactly things you want to tell people because you know that they'll just look at you like some damaged "hell no" person.&nbsp;Either that or they'll use it to their advantage and manipulate you and hurt you further, as two exes of mine did. One of them took everything I had and sold it for drugs and the other was an alcoholic abusive asshole who knew just what to do and say to keep me in that situation for as long as I was useful.&nbsp;I've been misdiagnosed with different mental illnesses pretty much since I was sixteen, I am now thirty-seven and it's been confirmed between psychiatrist, therapists, counsellors and social worker that I am chronically depressed, &nbsp;have borderline personality disorder and extreme anxiety.&nbsp;I hate the term borderline personality disorder. It's just one of those things that people misinterpret. They think you're a psycho or out to intentionally hurt people. What most ignorant people don't know is that there's different types of BPD and I am the self sabotager. I'll care immensely for anyone I do have around me, love, care, respect and want to help them but myself? I wish I could kill myself. I want to hurt myself, I want to cut myself, I want the absolute worst for myself because that's what I believe I deserve.&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;

5th June 2024

When you become a parent you lose sense of everything that you were and are. You become this shell of a human that can't remember what your favourite movie was, boxes of hobbies you used to have remain stacked somewhere gathering dust and you can't remember the last time you even showered without being bombarded with every question known to man as soon as you open the door.&nbsp;Unless you can afford help or have a person that's taking half the load, this is the fate of a parent. You are no longer anyone, just your child's parent and that's all. As time goes on and your child become a teenager and then an adult and suddenly you are no longer a full time parent or responsible for everything they do, say, want and need, you find yourself questioning now what? You have to rediscover yourself all over again but for people like me, for those that have decided that there is no future, you count down the days until your child can go travelling, or has their own home and family so that you can end it all. Of course it doesn't help that I'm incredibly mentally ill and have been since I was 16. As grateful as I am for my children, as much as I love them and would protect them with my last dying breath, being a parent has drained my soul. Being alone has drained my heart. Having no help, having no one has broken me and I can no longer see a future.&nbsp;

April 10 2024

now, as stupid as this question might sound.. i can't help with it.&nbsp;you know how the world is now, "overstimulated". i don't think i have to explain what overstimulation means. with all this content here and there, more then just the needs, it quite easy to get lost on them. when was the last time you enjoyed silence? or even sitting alone, not doing anything. can't remember? obviously you can't. because we all are "too busy" to even feel our heart beating.&nbsp;i think, in this overstimulated world, we are losing ourselves. now, you probably know about the hype of "self improvement". i mean, nothing bad with that but the online gurus. i don't think that in order to improve yourself you have to wake up at like 5am, spend 2 hours in the gym and all the hustle culture. it's rubbish if you ask me. because is something works for you doesn't mean that it will work the same for other person. if waking up at 5am and hitting the gym for 2 hours works for you, it might not work for me but waking up at 7am, and half an hour of yoga might do. same with everything else. if you think that mint choco is the best icecream flavour out there.... well, i do not think so, it taste like toothpaste.so coming back to the question, who are you? the one who is consistently being influenced? by media, social media, family, friends, etc. if you were to be alone somewhere where no one is but you, for like an year.. what will you do? how will you think and act. will you care about how you are looking, or what time is it or your other responsibilities as person.&nbsp;try sitting alone, into the boredom rathen them mindless scrolling. who knows if it might open more things to you that even you don't know about..&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;--the thumbnail is from a music video "spinning globe" by kenshi yonezu (give this song a try if you want)

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who are you? 

Growing up I always felt this burden of being perfect. My parents were perfectionists and everytime we don't do things right, we get called (negative) names. I am the third child in our family, I have two older sisters and a younger sister. The eldest and I have 4-year age gap; my older sister and i have 11 months gap; and the youngest and I have 8 year gap. Just by this, I think you get the gist of how my life is. Starting at a young age, I developed this so thing which I called “mask”, it is how I do things accordingly to haw people expect me, but then this became such a burden that I can no longer do it. I stopped pretending, suddenly everything fell apart. My friends were kinda draining, so i started distancing myself. My family was no better, they give negative feedbacks to everything. Then, pandemic came. I shut myself from the world. I felt relieved, it was soothing, I felt like a new person. But then, my family started calling me a black sheep, some who's full of misfortune, miserable, and everything else. I started getting low grades, although i did not fail they were disappointed simply because i was no longer the top of the class. Everything just stopped making sense, I started to fight back. I talked back to my family, I don't let my sister degrade me, my friends think that I'm unapproachable and everytime we have to form a grouping I am left out. I transfered schools, due to financial instability. From private school I was transfered to a public school. New people, new environment. I became too conscious of everyone and everything that I never talked at school except for recitations. it took me 2 whole months to gain new friends and it was cool they were accepting although the high expectations were still there as I became the top of the class. my parents were proud again as they could post my acccomplishment, I still feel not comfortable around them. I can talk comfortably only to my little sister because she likes me a lot, both of our parents were working so since then we were always left together we were partners in crime despite our 8-year gap. I got too immersed in writing this that I forgot what i was typing about…. upon this day I am still finding myself and I want to tell everyone that it surely takes time so be patient and try to find things you do for yourself not for others. Love yourself as nobody could ever do that better. Take care!

do you feel like you're just pretending too?

<h2>Company: Happiest Health</h2><h4>Minutes of the meeting</h4>04-08-2023, 14.00 – 15.00<h3>Feedback on the productivity of July</h3><ul><li>In July, the writers were successful in achieving their goals. To know the metrics, please refer to Mayank's Excel sheet that was presented in the meeting.</li><li>The team received positive feedback from Amazon and IT Madras, as well as Dinakaran, so kudos to us!</li><li>Congratulations to the team for their excellent work and design! In all aspects, including online copies, magazines, social media posts, newsletters, and reels, the team has been hitting the mark since June. Let's continue to maintain this high standard.</li></ul><h3>Writer metrics</h3><ul><li>Writers will be evaluated based on the number of page views their articles receive.</li><li>We understand that it can be challenging to attract views, so we are committed to identifying and addressing any pain points.</li><li>Writers are expected to produce a minimum of eight stories per month.</li><li>Writers are encouraged to start focusing on creating engaging reels.</li></ul><h4>Raghu’s new motto: DON’T ASSUME, DON’T SULK, ASK!</h4>&nbsp;<h3>Feedback from Raghu: This has already been conveyed numerous times.</h3><ul><li>Plan ahead.</li><li>A lot of times, writers fail to conduct sufficient research, which can lead to unclear visions for their stories.</li><li>The story that comes later should align with the initial brief.</li><li>Starting from September 1st, it is required for everyone to have a bank of stories ready for two weeks.</li><li>Team Leaders (TLs) will not follow up for any overdue stories.</li><li>If any member goes on holiday, TLs should not be expected to cover their work. It is important to be mindful of this.</li><li>Whenever there’s feedback given by TLs or desk please don’t sulk, critical feedback will always help you improve.</li><li>Kindly reach out to Raghu or TLs if there’s any issue instead of discussing it amongst yourselves.</li><li>Please help TLs reduce their burden, we’re all in this together.</li><li>Do not delay revising stories for too long. Be patient, learn, and collaborate.</li></ul><h3>Other updates:</h3><ul><li>Anirudh is being moved to Alnoor’s team</li><li>THIS IS THE BEST ORGANISATION TO WORK WITH.</li><li>Please refer to the email from Veena regarding the timelines for the magazine, and make sure to follow them strictly.</li><li>If you wish to view your organic views (online stories), please contact Alnoor for assistance.</li><li>For all the writers, please start following the recent social media protocol by Varsha.</li></ul>&nbsp;I hope I have covered everything; Happy weekend :)&nbsp;Best fishes,Zainab Anjum,Meow for now&nbsp;

Subject: Minutes of the Meeting: Understanding workflow better

sometimes, i wish we could restart the life. from ground zero. i know,it probably not be as 'fun' as it is now but at least you won't have the worry of the future. as a kid,i never had brother about my appearance,i used to be quite bold honestly. but as I'm grow, a part of me just wants to hide itself. ever since we got this COVID pendamic..wearing a mask now is a habit of mine. i never go out without mask. it's a part of me now. i still regret not getting my face done after the accident when I had the chance... now I feel like throwing all the mirror out of the house. even my reflection on my phone screen.. i hate it. i hate the way my thighs look, i hate how wide and chubby my back is.. i hate how my face look when I smile and on the top of that, i hate my personality. it's not the first time I'm feeling this way, but will be the last.&nbsp;

i just don't like being me

I’m not sure why I allow myself to be hurt by you. You have this invisible power over me and I fucking hate it, why do I allow myself to succumb to this pain. I don’t wanna cry over you anymore. You’ll apologize and then do it again. I know at some point I have to gain some self respect and self worth but when it comes to you I don’t know how. I don’t know how to detach from you…I don’t know how to quit you and I want too. I finally realized that you didn’t love me like I loved you. You didn’t love me at all, you liked the power I gave you and how I made you feel. It’s like you look back to see if I’m still chasing you. I hate that I love you&nbsp;

Never ending cycle 

I miss being in love…I miss being loved by you. I don’t know if you genuinely loved me, I doubt it but I like to believe you did. I was so madly in love with you; one might say I was hopelessly devoted to you. I’m not sure why I’m yearning for what once was, I guess I like living in delusion&nbsp;