Well it’s officially birthday and I couldn’t be more sad. I only have myself to celebrate with. I have no contact with my family and it’s not like they would reach out. Idk why but I feel extremely empty inside and I just want everything to go away.&nbsp;

Heres to 22

I still remember when I was a child I always thought about growing up. Now, I am 21, a young, lazy, or seemingly useless girl who is frequently in a bad mood. I don't smile often.&nbsp;I don't know how I ended up like this. When I was a child, I used to be smart and creative, but now it feels like my brain isn't working properly. I've grown to dislike my family and friends. Instead of solving problems, everything seems to be getting more complicated. I really want to be alone, but I don't know how to handle it. It feels like my life has come to a stop. It's as if someone started a car and sent me on a journey, but the roads are really hard, and even though the instructions are there, I just don't feel like using them. I'm just going through the motions, dealing with difficulties.&nbsp;I don't know why growing up feels so difficult. Why do we forget how to laugh? Small things start to irritate us. I feel like doing everything alone, but I can't handle anything. Even my family leaves me alone. It's like turning into a living corpse. I wish I had never grown up. This life journey feels so tough at this age, and I don't know what else I'll have to endure in the future. I don't even know if I'll be able to survive.

Adulthood sucks

I was reading Dostoevsky and he is right in saying that utopia is bad. What we, as humans are moving towards is not what we would like. Like, we have made our life easy but it has also made it dull. We ache for some fun, some feeling. Anything, hell, we even ache for suffering. We have made our life too easy. There will come a time, or maybe it is right now that we ache for some sort of suffering that breaks this numb dullness.&nbsp;I myself haven't had any problem in this last ond year and that is what people should hope for, right? But instead I keep hoping for someone to make me feel, instead of this dull nothing. I'll be honest, I don't know how to entertain myself. Maybe it's the depression but I don't feel like doing anything I used to like. My interactions with other are minimal. I just stay on my own thinking all this nonsense.&nbsp;

Reading Dostoevsky 

My teacher showed me so much today and we played a game that let me pump my butt so much with my brush. It was really hard but so much fun and it felt really really good. Seeing so many cocks always makes my butt so tingly and I want to pump it lots. I am always trying my best because I think cocks are so cool and I just want to have lots of them one day. I never pumped my butt this much before and I want to do it lots more but then he had to go and I got sad but I could not stop thinking about the cocks. I got really tired though and fell asleep on my bed without my clothes on.

Anal Game

It’s been 25 days since we last spoke. I know my last message to you said pretend I don’t exist and that you were my biggest heartbreak which is true, but maybe I could’ve worded it differently. I was hurt and still am but I miss you and wish we could talk but I also despise you; it’s a thin line between love and hate. I honestly just want closure. I still cry randomly during the day and confide in my best friend about my heartbreak. I love him so much for being my rock during this but I just wish I could move on. My heart hurts more at night, I start to think about everything and questioning what’s wrong with me and why I wasn’t enough. I’m tired of crying and being miserable. I’m tired of hurting and hating myself and tearing myself apart, questioning why I’m not worthy enough to be loved; only used for temporary entertainment and lust. I bared my heart and soul to you, let you into my mind. I thought you were my safe space but I couldn’t be more wrong. You are a user and horrible person yet I love you and hate you at the same time. H you broke me irrevocably and I just want to let all the pain and memories of you to go away&nbsp;

Day 25

Everyday I tell myself I’ll be okay and that I don’t miss you but the more I lie to myself the more it hurts. The love I had for you burned brighter than a thousand suns. I know it’s cliche but I never realized I found love before you, you were my twin flame. When I think about you my heart pangs and my eyes well up with tears. I truly believe that in another universe, in another timeline, in a different world, we were meant to be… I just wish you felt the same. I guess once upon a time you did but maybe it was just temporary lust for you. I think what hurts more is that I’m emotionally broken from this and I probably don’t even cross your mind and you’re just living life per usual with whoever the next lucky girl is; just the thought of you sharing the passion and love I thought we had with someone else makes me physically sick to my stomach and I just want to curl up and cry. You’ll move onto the next while I’m just reminiscing in pain and delusion about what I thought we had

I miss you 

You broke me completely but yet I still long for you. I can be doing random activities and my mind would drift to memories of you or how you made me feel and then a wave of sadness would hit me, most times followed by tears. This isn’t fair that I’m affected so deeply by you leaving and you can care less. It sucks being an afterthought in someone’s mind, you’ve probably moved on while I’m just wallowing in self pity. I loved you with every fiber of my being and I thought you loved me too. Well atleast you said you did but I truly find that hard to believe; I think you just loved that I loved you. I was just pure entertainment that you discarded when you got bored and that hurts because I expressed to you how others treated me that way and you promised not too. I don’t understand how you can love someone and leave so easily…did I really mean so little to you? My heart aches because I miss you so much. I hate feeling this way and I hate missing you; how can I miss someone who’s hurt me over and over. The sick part about all of this is you abandoned and broke my heart 3 times and yet I still wanted you…even now I feel like I need you and I truly hate this for me. I want to let you go but I don’t know how. It’s been almost three weeks since we last spoke and even after all the pain I still think of you everyday when I know you haven’t thought of me once since. It’s kinda crazy how you lovebombed me, said we were twin flames, said you loved and worshipped me, and then decided I wasn’t enough; you completely washed your hands of me. Despite all of your flaws I accepted you and I thought you accepted me as I was… I guess I was wrong. I want to let you and all the pain go but the sad part about this is if you came back I would still welcome you with open arms because the love I have for you burns brighter than a thousand suns. I miss someone who doesn’t care whether I’m alive or dead right now

My greatest heartbreak

I’m not really sure what to say or how to even start but I guess I’ll just go for it. I’ve been struggling recently with how my life has been and what I’ve become. I’ve been having a lot of highs and lows but mainly lows. To be completely honest I’m just lost and I don’t know what to do with my life; I’m 21 and I wasn’t expecting to make it this far so each day is just a battle. There’s so many thoughts that run through my mind and &nbsp;trying to cipher through them all feels like I’m drowning. I feel like each day I wake up I’m sinking and at this point I’m kinda tired of trying to make it to shore… I just want to descend to the bottom in peace. Idk, maybe things will change for me one day but right now as I lay in bed and type this my heart is heavy and I’m tired

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My inner turmoil 

Stretched like a mountainGalloping wild like a horseBeware of the shadowsThey lurk in the darkThe promise beheld in their fatesWho shall win the raceCalmer than the quietAnd enchanted like the magicThe one who wears the mark&nbsp;Their touch will bring the sparks&nbsp;

whispers

flowers blooming in my garden&nbsp;but spring is still not here

spring

The wind was painfully blowing, making sounds like someone's sorrow is being chanted. Low mourns were coming from the animals making the sorroundings more disturbing and ruptured. A body was taking its last breadth and remembering its wonderful days of youth and loving memories “In the next life I must live well”.

Next Life

how are you okay? im falling apart.&nbsp;

messages unsent to my ex

i dont think i can do this. i cant think of a future without you. i dont want a future without you. i can wait. i can wait for you to feel like you are a good partner. you are a good partner, its just hard. last august you told me that distance meant nothing when somebody meant everything. please dont tell me this is the end. im shaking. i dont want to tell anyone, i cant. please. we still loved each other through study abroad - a &nbsp;6hr difference, a 6 hr plane ride where we could literally never see each other. this is only a 2 hr drive. why can't i be everything.&nbsp;

messages i would send to you but no contact for now

my therapy session just ended and i feel good. my (ex)girlfriend just recently broke up with me because she felt like she could not have a long distance relationship (2 hr drive) as she finishes her summer work and begins her new job and be a good partner at the same time. while that obviously hurt and had me questioning whether she loved me or not, after the session, i am feeling a little better. while i obviously am hoping that we can work it out and be together because i would move if she could promise her love to me, this session has helped me realize some things about myself. i have anxious attachment after difficult moments rather than my typical secure attachment. i have more giving energy, go with the flow energy. i like being motherly and taking care of people. i dont like when things are left unsaid or undecided because then i feel like i have to decide. i dont like not knowing. don't get me wrong, i am strong and independent, but i also like following. while i do not know what awaits between me and her, i know i will be okay. as much as i want me and her to be forever, i know that whatever happens will be okay. i am figuring myself out, figuring out how to respond, how to take care of myself and truly love myself more. thats what matters at the end of the day.&nbsp;

after relationship therapy

An American black who defied all odds and was the only one graduated from Navy Seal School and the other armies departments which I cannot recall. I broke down. I could relate how he feel and he relied on himself through the messy process of dropping half of his size, surpassed the glass ceiling and finally becoming a motivational speaking.I paused as I wanted to call Joanne and tell her how I am feeling right now. I decided to turn it into P.R.A.Y.E.R.S instead.Dear Heavenly Father,Help me. I cannot even utter what and how I am feeling right now. I am battling fatigue and it is freaking real and I need Your strength and grace to pull through today. Anxiety hits me all time high right before I wake up. 45% of Yujie's slots will be emptied by end of September. I can only fix my eyes on You. I dont know what to do liao. Even my side, 3/10 classes have graduated. Should I fold the business? I was weary battling all these insecurities for years of running the business. Worrying this and that.&nbsp;I am so drained. Perhaps recovering from the recent bout of cold makes me down and out. Lift me up, Oh Lord. Jesus, help me. I am so unwell and cannot think or process. But only to plough through the day grind. I am in so much pain, mentally. Death spirit seems to whisper, “ You have nothing to hope for. Why dont you just end it all?”What if I cannot cry out ? Can you listen to my inner cry ? time to work..&nbsp;&nbsp;

A video that brought me to tears

I was listening to youtube podcasts on living life simply. Certain people's lives sharing stirred up the deepest feelings within me. Pain, guilt, shame, hatred and more pain.&nbsp;I just shared with a HK friend last night about my family and especially my strained relationship with my mom. She showed me a perspective which I have never seen before. Yes, life dealt me a deck of cards, but I played the cards with humour. She said this is innate and it is a talnt which I have never seen it before. She asked me, can humour be created? Nope.&nbsp;When I was feeling physically weak from the period, cooking for myself, my parents and my student, I listened to people from all walks of life, around the world. Pain is not a stranger to anyone.Somehow, I felt super angry. Why must I suffer in silence? God, why cant I take the matter into my hands. Can I go to Cantonment police station and report the matter that was hidden for 25 years? I already knew what to do. A wave of pain hits me and hot scalding tears flow down. My vision is blurred. I know exactly what he did to me and I know I am very different after that. The #Metoo movement is affecting me a lot. The victims in Taiwan stepped up and report to the police. They are fully aware of the consequences but they dont want to be silenced anymore. God, why cant I do it as well?I am shaking now. Time to work.

Vengeance is mine , says the Lord

Dear Heavenly Father,&nbsp;I surrender my hatred, anger, frustrations and bitterness towards my mom to You. I dont want to have any part with my mom. I cut all ungodly soul ties with her and return to her whatever belongs to her and take back whatever belongs to her.Help me to remove the thinking of why is she so abnormal? Why she cannot do simple household chores? Why she cannot even cook? Just because she has mental illlness that has been plaguing her for years? Why must I always be the one clearing her mess? Be it in the fridge or the kitchen? Why must the roles be reversed? She has lost the one and only spectacle cloth that I have. I dumped it in to the washing machine and she claims she didnt see it. PLease, the rest of the clothes are bigger in size so she cannot lose it.&nbsp;Now , I dont have time to work on my lessons and do administrative duties. I want to snap and roar her so much. I want to slam the door. I want to scream at her. WHY are you so weird? WHY are you my mom?&nbsp;Help me to remove these deep seated hatred towards her?&nbsp;Renew my mindset towards her. Change my perspective towards her.&nbsp;Flood and infill my heart with Your love and grace. &nbsp;I really dont know how else to pray. I dont even know how to talk to her without that anger simmering in me. Help me, God. In Jesus name.

Release the anger, hatred and bitterness to You

Dear Heavenly Father,I thank You in advance for period to come in July as I have missed June. I pray that the hormones in my body is stabilised and will not trigger back pain, especially after I have slept. I speak to my back, be healed completely in Jesus' name. I pray that I will sleep well throughout the night and clock 8 hours of solid sleep.&nbsp;I thank You and praise You that You are Jehovah Jireh, my provider. Help me to shift my perspective in terms of finances. I am just a steward in the business that You have called me to steward. May the creator of Heaven and Earth, create business opportunities for Yujie and me. We thank You in advance for Yujie's classes and my classes will be filled up in 2024. We declare that new and willing students will enrol this year and Yujie and I are able to pay ourselves salaries and pay the rent , above and beyond. We speak that 2024 will be a year of harvest &nbsp;of students enrolling for Chinese , Maths, English and Science. We also pray for good results for the PSLE and O level students this year. We also pray for favour for the landlord to renew our lease, end of the year. We speak shalom to my restless and worried heart and may the love of God flood my anxious soul.I surrender my parents and their business into Your hands. I speak shalom to their hearts. Truly, indeed, only You can bring in the business for them. I lay them on the altar.&nbsp;I repent for the dark and negativity thoughts that I have when they were quarreling in the lorry just now. Forgive me Lord, for wishing I was never born so that I dont need to face all these. Forgive me Lord, for thinking of jumping off the Lorry when they were quarreling. Forgive me Lord for doubting You , why I pray and speak shalom , my dad is still screaming and shouting. Forgive me Lord, for hating my parents. I need help. I really do. Help Lord, in the most precious name of the Lord Jesus Christ I pray.

Heartfelt prayers

This is around 3 years later from my original date of last writing(last successful writing if i say so). Back then I started to write and doodle in my books because of lack of friends hence I needed to say but had no one to talk to (the few friends i did have were busy , so i didn't want to annoy them a lot)Fast forward 3 years I am now completely done with my college and i needed to speak , though having plenty of ears to listen this time around , just writing and speaking to myself is now my favourite way .A couple of pointers before i start ,&nbsp;a)i am terrible in writing and will make grammatical and spelling mistakes as we go on , I am aware &nbsp;b)And i like to draw , so I might add an image or two in each exert to give better visuals&nbsp;c) i had something but I forgot&nbsp;d) a lot of u , might not know me , and i don't like reintroductions so i wont be doing that , my original 3 journals had good intro of characters/environments/events , I'll be giving those here again as time comes, but not of myself :)&nbsp;&nbsp;HERE WE GOOOOO:&nbsp;(immediatly after writing the above line i realised what i'll be missing while i write digitally , i love the feel of pen on paper, the roughness of my drawings , i dont need it to be good/final, cause it compliments my shitty handwriting and presentation, it is the only time , where i am truely free.)Sooooo, after i write this page . i'll buy a book and print this out and stick it , i might not have said this already , i am pretty lazy and focused. so if I don't write about what i am thinking rn , i will never.&nbsp;&nbsp;Here we GOOOOOOOOO (for real this time):10:47 pm Sat June 17th&nbsp;&nbsp;i just entered my flat alone after seeing Av-nosh(Flatmate) off (all names will be different from the real ones, not for privateness but for my fun's sake), he left with Vadnan and his friends for Tosh via Hydrabad . Bz and Suyush (our friends ) had left for Himachal on college trip this morning. Gooda (my other flat mate, left a month ago , but we met him last 3 days ago since he came to city to party{on 13th I think}) . [Nazi Gang shoutout]&nbsp;Vadnan also left as stated before , Chidori left on 15-16th i think , Prey his Ex, left 2 weeks ago, Kuchu is still here and we are supposed to meet tomorrow.&nbsp;In juniors , Aran left for his house in navi mumbai, AssDeep (super jurnior left for Chhattisgarh &nbsp;a week ago , we had to push our dnd sesh online because of him). Yamin and I-shan went for the college trip too. Fruit lives near my house , i need to get his gift ready for him , from our batch to him , we're giving him a foosball tabel a small one , Av-nosh, Gooda and i found it (from our neighbors) .enough with the introductions , all u need to know is that i am alone rn , all my friends have left for different adventures , and we all said the same thing , we will KIT and meet again , but &nbsp;the same had been said to me by my school friends, and in all fairness a lot of them did , but now we all have new adventures , jobs / internships / masters (for a few) , so we might not , and i am okay with that , life happens , it won't be the worst thing if my friends are living it to the fullest , i myself don't reply too often to my old friends &nbsp;group texts, via text, idk why but I don't, i give my presence and i try to KIT every now and then , but not to much extent.&nbsp;Idk why i started to write again to be fair , all i recall is Av-nosh saying before leaving the apartment , “ college khatam nahi hua hai , convocation baki hai , september me bhi milenge tab bhi&nbsp; (cause we have to trade our ID for alumni card) ” This really stuck with me. i was getting teary and i think Av-nosh got that hence he said it. i went to see him off till he got an auto , &nbsp;cause i wanted this moment of me with a friend to last longer. after he left i slowly walked back . (i felt the same feeling 3 years ago , when my parents left me in mumbai and i had to go up to mantri Serene {our old flat})&nbsp;I went to the gujrati store under my building to get a familiarity of my college life , and when i walked inside my flat i felt so alone for a few moments. i decided to write again to have have someone with me (even a text version of myself)Fortunately Dangi (Silica friend{design institute}) my Best friend , called me up and we have been talking , and i have been writing side by side , we are sharing college stories . and chilling.&nbsp;Tomorrow I am going to a ramen restruent with kuchu and that might be my last offline contact with someone from college&nbsp;&nbsp;I want to cry a little to let it out , but my body isn't allowing it , probably because , it's so bittersweet since i remember all the good times.~end for today&nbsp;P.S. after writing this I liked the experience, whether I liked the structure of article over books , or it was just writing in general&nbsp;This is VR000M signing off. &nbsp;

10:30 ,June 17th,  Saturday , 2023

Hey x,In recent months, I've developed a habit of reading the newspaper as a change of pace in my daily routine as well as to learn something new. In retrospect, it seemed helpful at the time, but as time passed, I realized I had a pessimistic outlook on life in general. My approach to doing things and communicating with people is based on whether there is anything in it for me.&nbsp;Whether I was checking the headlines about local events or observing general headlines, I always sought the most abhorrent and emotionally provoking stories. Whether it was murder cases and accident victims, assault cases, or corrupt politicians, I left no stone unturned.&nbsp;Overexposing the brain to unmounted levels of similar news every day, I slowly started becoming desensitized to it. People die every day, so why bother trying for the limited time you'll live? I felt myself losing hope and inspiration.Even now, I recall flipping through the pages of TOI, as my heart sank deeper reading about the 23 people who succumbed to death. 9 of them passed away due to a road accident, and 7 more crashed head-first into a bus. 6 more died while conducting repair work on the railway electrical lines, they were charred to death. In just the last few days, a 16-year-old girl, barely my age, met her untimely demise at the hands of a monster, who stabbed her over 20 times while repeatedly smashing her face with a brick.She was robbed of her life. I can't fathom the pain and terror she must have experienced in her last moments. It's heartbreaking and I can't help but think her life really mattered to those around her, who were living witnesses to the ongoing homicide. At our cores, we're just wired to put ourselves, our well-being, and our gains before anybody else.&nbsp;Delhi sure has become the hotspot for all freak accidents and other reported killings. It just proves that we're living behind a façade. Our houses which are supposed to be our ‘safe haven’, as well as the town and locality that bustles with daily life, none of that really matters. We're just deluding ourselves to think that it's going to be another bright sunny day.Having a pessimistic mentality has taken a toll on my relationship with my parents, my friends, and all my close peers about me. Despite all that even though it might take years to grow out of this mentality, it'll still be more fruitful than the efforts that our country has been putting in for the welfare and security of its citizens.1:30 PM, 1th May 23'Yours trulyRJK&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;

1 May 23'

A thought came to my mind today that i havent watched a movie for a long time, i should watch one. But then i thought i havent got time for a movie, got a thesis to submit for now and some things to be read. Then i remembered my daily life and thought anyways every day is a movie for me. Its a movie where im not the protagonist or the star. Each day i get to see a new story from my patients, each day is a continuing story of a follow up patient, so many things happening in their lives, seeing so many emotions in a day. Nah i dont need to watch movies.&nbsp;Goodnight folksBe inspired and stay hungry.

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Life is a movie

I am done.&nbsp;I have broken a heart. I eat,sleep,masturbate, and repeat. And do nothing more. I am a disappointment for everyone. It's just that I have a good mind for academics and excel in it due to which my mom and dad are somewhat happy with me otherwise it was a lot better for them if i didn't exist. I am their firstborn. My mother has confessed that she wanted a girl because a girl could have done all the house chores for her just as she had to do for her mom. My father has confessed that as soon as i came into existence, my mother directed all the love towards me due to which slowly and steadily my parents started fighting a lot to the point that now they can divorce each other any time if a big fight occurs.&nbsp;I broke the heart of my love. I loved her and still do. I love her a lot. But… it's my foolish behaviour which resulted in miscommunications and misunderstandings by my mom who eventually (for the safety of my future) thought that the girl isn't good.&nbsp;I might not fully deny what my mom says. It is maybe the teenage foolish behaviour which makes me and her this way or maybe something else. But I love her. I am unable to accept a reality in which i am in love with someone else. I have had a theory that i create chaos and disturbance in every person's life who is associated with me and with time this theory has been proved correct. Today, all i have is a good academic, good parents( as in parental relationship, which is declining with the increase of my mother's anger levels), and some spiritual knowledge(which i have keen interest in ).I am.. finished. I might be able to get over my feelings for her and maybe in future accept someone else as my love. Maybe I would be able to recover from the childhood trauma I have gotten from the fights of my parents. But I am tired. I am fucking tired pls stop. It's too difficult to write this .&nbsp;

I dont want to live anymore.

Have you ever regretted having being passionate for the diagnosis even though you knew it carries a dismal prognosis for the patient. We have all felt it at some point in our medical journey. But you should remember that it is the passion for human diseases that has motivated us to learn and grow in this field. Without this passion you wouldnt have been able to acquire the knowledge that you did during this period, and thus being able to treat patients better now !

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Medicine

Knowing how to handle and manage your feelings is very important in life. I have been fortunate at this because i am able to manage my feelings with an altruistic thought process. Books like Man's Search For Meaning and growing up admiring the purity and philosophy of Ramayana has helped me immensely in this. I just want to make sense of my feelings first and that is the most difficult part &nbsp;for me- "Making sense of feelings". Once you have done that then we need to realise that Life is a learning process and we want to Make lives of others around us better. Then whatever bad happens will be a learning event and we will find contention in realising that whatever you will do will be for the greater good of people. Things get sorted out as soon as this is done.Some would argue why bother to learn as life is finite and will end one day and In the End It doesnt even matter! But my response would be whatever i do in my lifetime would make some peoples' &nbsp;lives better and before i die i will write books so that someone might find an answer they were always searching for through my answer.&nbsp;Thats all folksHave a good dayStay inspired.