tu hoti to kya baat hotitu hoti to zindagi kitni haseen hotitujh bin sab khali khali sa lagta haitu nahi to kuch nahi &nbsp;aisa nahi ke kuch nahi hai mere passab hai magar kuch khaas nahi haizindagi hai, magar jine ka swad nahi haitu hoti to kya baat hoti &nbsp;tujhe pal pal yaad karta hun maintu dil ke paas hai magar paas nahi haitu hoti to aisa hota, tu hoti to waisa hotatu hoti to ye hota, tu hoti to wo hotatu hoti ti kya baat hoti &nbsp;zindagi jita hun main, magar sab adhura sa lagta haipehle paisa nahi tha, khwab thayab paisa bahut hai, magar swad nahi haitu hoti to kya baat hoti &nbsp;tu hoti to kya baat hotitu hoti to kya hi baat hotitu hoti to kya ghazab baat hoti &nbsp;

Tu hoti to

Wht do u call thisYou are sitting in a loud place, you close your eyes, thinking at them, and tears are abt to cme, u doesnt listen anything, suddenly u open u eyes&nbsp; If you are walking on silent road by escaping through hall full of people celebrating... Trying to escape talking to anyone.... Doesn't feel like belong here.... When u keep missing the one who is not here... When u dialled their number 20 times but cut the call... People are dancing in front of you, but u r sitting in corner trying to hide.... You are constantly thinking of someone close to ur heart... You are dying to see them or talking to them...&nbsp;

Wht wud u call this

Why life is so complicated.Life is only one. What's the purpose of life, if we are not happy. I have seen my parents fighting, they were not happy with each other. That made us, as their children, unhappy.&nbsp;If you are living with a person with whom you are not feeling good, what is the purpose then. Why on earth you are living with them.If that person has harmed you for 10-12 years. Made you feel bad all the time, dominated you al the time, did not respect you at all. Will you forget their past, would you move on.Very difficult for me. I'm not able to digest. I'm not able to live like this.I don't want to die like this.&nbsp;The questions are:<ul><li>why this life</li><li>why not break-up</li><li>wht would happen to kids</li><li>will this end on happy note</li><li>will i live happy after that</li><li>should i care about my parents now, who will feel bad about our breakup. Afterall, its my life. Why people live someone else's life.</li></ul>&nbsp;I always think, the day, I will by dying. I will be thinking, I could change my life. I did not take harsh decisions. Now, I'm dying. I had no happy life. I did not live with the people I loved. I lived with someone, who didn't like me, I didn't like her. And, we lived because “What people will think of us”, “How would parents feel”.All this is bull-shit, societal pressure.&nbsp;The stress is too much. We easily switch jobs when we do not like it. Why not partners? Why this is made so complicated.Yesterday she asked, why you are not talking to me. And she was like, when I talk to people that you sleep in separate room, their reaction is like WHAT! I said, I'm sleeping like this from past few years. You are thinking this now as what others think? She was in mood of amending things. But, there is something dead from inside. I have no feelings for her, absolutely zero. I have told her this many times ago. I did not say it this time.A relation builds up in initial days. She screwed it every single day. I have mentioned this before as well. When you think of some person, you have some picture in your mind, or some attribute. If I have to think about her, it's her angry face, egoistic voice, dominating nature. Nothing else.&nbsp;I don't know when was the last time, I did talk to her what I'm feeling. She did make fun of my failures, she insulted me in my initial poor days, she never motivated me, she never stood with me in my low times. She betrayed me, she abused my parents, always made me guilty of small things that she does. She is happy till the time, I'm spending on her.&nbsp;Now, I have become an irritated person. I become easily irritated.&nbsp;&nbsp;

I cried while commuting today

Firstly, I want to thank God , I was in a much better place compared to last year's April. Always start with thanksgiving.&nbsp;Secondly, God has been speaking to me through the pastor's sermon. I am loved by God and I am not a mistake. I was deeply touched by God last Sunday's sermon. The reason was that I was very vulnerable last Saturday and shared openly with Joanne that I was a mistake to begin with and I made very serious mistakes. I felt like an utter failure in life. I am like one foot step in God's world and other foot in the secular world, fighting off suicidal tendencies and negativity. Depression made me feel all is hopeless and grey. I saw no way out.&nbsp;Then God spoke very clearly the very next day. The pastor said “ There is someone who felt very hopeless. God wants to change your name. You may feel like you have made so many mistakes but I can help you ” Then in the middle of the sermon, he stopped and asked everyone to sing this song.&nbsp;<h3><a href="https://www.invubu.com/music/show/song/D.J.-Butler/I-Will-Change-Your-Name.html">I Will Change Your Name</a></h3>&nbsp;I will change your name You shall no longer be called Wounded, outcast Lonely or afraid I will change your name Your new name shall be Confidence, joyfulness Overcoming one Faithfulness, friend of God One who seeks my face.As we sang, in my vision, I saw the younger me holding His hands. I felt the raw wounds were applied by His balm via this song. I felt I was in a better mental state. Yup.&nbsp;

Reflection

Have been working late non stop for the past 3 nights for 2 close students. So when I woke up, the pressure starts to mount. Their school teacher is unreasonable , testing them way beyond they are supposed to bear and they are cracking up, especially Chloe. So I had to be the feisty cheerleader to cheer and coach them. But I am cracking up as well. The sleep quality has not been good. I forced myself to go to NTUC to do some groceries and walked a bit to absorb a bit of sunshine. Plugging into worship songs does help. I saw a mom with an infant. Tears were brimming in my eyes. I tune in back into worship songs. Past memories began creeping at the door, trying to remind my fatal mistakes. I cannot afford to ruminate else depression will deepen. &nbsp;When mom asked how am I , I was hesitant. Where to start? How to start? God , help me.&nbsp;

Feeling vulnerable

The students' sharing of the timetable kinda of shook me yesterday. I was caught unprepared. The school teacher decided to drive the students up to the wall by testing 5 topics at one shot. Ridiculous. &nbsp;Anxiety immediately surged and I started to work for today's curriculum last night, ended up sleeping poorly. I woke up a couple of times, having patches of sleep once again. I looked bloated. I simply threw everything in a rice cooker for my dinner. Too tired to do anything.Dear Heavenly Father, I surrender my anxieties and stress to You. I cannot hold any longer. Take this burden, O Lord. Help me how to plan the lessons to help the students to pass and excel so that I can bear good testimony. Also, I ask for Your favour for the renwal of the contract with the landlord in May. &nbsp;IN Jesus name I pray

Anxiety and stress starts to mount

Dear inner child, are you wounded? If so, submit yourself to God. Are you in great pain, guilt, shame and condemnation just pervades in your life? Let God hold your hand and surrender all these negative pervasive thoughts to God. Does the devil whisper, you are absolutely hopeless, total failure and end your life? If so, shut his mouth in the name of Jesus. Healing comes in layers, is not a linear journey. When you accept the pain, surrender them to God, and cry out in humility for Him, God will work wonders. So, dear child, come to Jesus.&nbsp;&nbsp;Dear Heavenly Father, help me. That is all I could utter . I surrender this wounded and bashed child within me to YOU. Heal me and restore and redeem me according to Your purpose. IN the most almighty name of Jesus Christ I pray

Tu hoti to

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