After you lose your temper with your child

You shouted, or said something you wish you had not, and now there is a small person looking at you differently and a heavy feeling in your chest. Every parent has been here. What matters most for your child is not that it never happens. It is what you do afterwards.

Repair is more important than perfection

Children learn a great deal from watching a parent make a mistake and put it right. When you repair, you show them that strong feelings can be survived, that relationships can be mended, and that grown-ups take responsibility.

How to repair

1. Calm down first. Repair does not work while you are still angry. Take a few minutes.
2. Go to them. Get down to their level.
3. Name what you did, without excuses. “I shouted at you. That was not okay, and it must have felt scary.”
4. Separate the behaviour from the shouting. “It is still not okay to hit your sister. And it was not okay for me to shout. Both things are true.”
5. Reconnect. A hug if they want one, a shared activity, something ordinary together.

Avoid “I shouted because you…” It turns the apology into blame.

Notice the build-up

Losing your temper rarely comes out of nowhere. It usually builds through tiredness, hunger, work stress, a bad night’s sleep, or the same small thing happening for the tenth time. Over a week or two, notice:

• What time of day it tends to happen.
• What you were feeling just before: rushed, ignored, embarrassed in front of others?
• What your body does first: tight jaw, raised voice, hot face.

These are your early warnings. When you notice them, that is the moment to pause: step into another room for a minute, put your hand on your chest and breathe out slowly, or say “I need a minute before I talk.”

Look at what is underneath

Constant short temper is often a sign that a parent is stretched too thin. Sleep, support, time for yourself, help with the load: these are not luxuries. If you find you are angry most days, or frightened by how angry you get, talking to a counsellor can help, and it is a strong thing to do for your family.

If you ever feel you might hurt your child, put them somewhere safe, step away, and call someone now, a friend, a relative or one of the numbers below.

Write about it

Think of the last time you lost your temper. What was happening for you in the hour before it?