Dealing with a boss who belittles you

A demanding boss and a belittling boss are not the same thing. A demanding boss is hard on the work. A belittling boss is hard on you: sarcasm in front of others, comments about your intelligence, praise withheld from you and given to others for the same work. Over time it can make you doubt things you used to be sure of.

Name what is happening

It helps to be specific, even just to yourself. Belittling often looks like:

• Criticism delivered in public that could have been private.
• Comments about you as a person (“you never get it”) rather than about the work.
• Moving goalposts: what was right last week is wrong this week.
• Being left out of meetings or emails you need to do your job.

If several of these are regular, it is not you being sensitive.

Protect yourself day to day

• Keep a private log. Date, what was said, who was there, and what the work actually was. Write it the same day, in plain words. It steadies you, and if you ever need to raise it, it is what makes you credible.
• Get instructions in writing. After a verbal briefing, send a short email: “To confirm, you would like X by Thursday.” It reduces moving goalposts.
• Respond to the work, not the tone. In the moment, “Understood, I will fix the numbers in section two” ends the exchange without giving the jab anything to hold on to.
• Find allies. A senior colleague, a mentor in another team. Someone who sees your work and can tell you honestly how it really is.

Raising it

If you decide to raise it, pick the route that is safest for you: a direct conversation if you think your boss can hear it, a skip-level manager, or HR. Bring dated facts and keep the focus on the effect on your work. Some workplaces handle this well and some do not, so it is worth understanding how complaints are treated there before you start.

Knowing when to leave

You are allowed to leave a job because of how you are treated. Signs it is time to start looking: dreading Sunday evenings every week, physical symptoms like headaches or poor sleep tied to work, or noticing you have stopped believing you are good at what you do. Starting a quiet search is not giving up. It gives you options, and options make the days easier to bear.

Write about it

Write down three things you know you are good at, with one real example of each. Read it the next time a comment gets under your skin.