Making friends as an adult

At school and college, friendship mostly happened to us. We saw the same people every day and had time to spare. As adults, especially after moving cities, changing jobs, getting married, having children or going through a separation, that stops. Many people quietly realise they have nobody to call. If that is you, you are far from alone, and it can change.

What makes friendships form

Friendships tend to grow from three things:

• Seeing the same people again and again, without having to arrange it.
• Time that is not rushed.
• Slowly sharing a bit more than you would with a stranger.

Adult life rarely gives us those by accident, so we have to build them in.

Choose repeated, not one-off

A single event is pleasant, but it rarely produces a friend. A weekly class, a regular game of badminton, a running group, a volunteering shift or a community you join and keep returning to gives you the repetition friendship needs. Pick one thing you would enjoy anyway, and commit to it for three months.

Make the small invitation

After you have seen someone a few times, suggest something small and specific: “A few of us are getting chai after this, want to come?” or “I am going to the bookshop on Sunday if you want to come along.” Specific is easier to say yes to than “we should hang out sometime.”

Most people are waiting for someone else to make the first move. Being the one who does is not needy. It is a kindness.

Reconnect, too

Old friends and former colleagues are often the easiest place to start. A message like “I was thinking about you, how have you been?” is almost always welcome, even after years. The awkwardness is usually much bigger in your head than in theirs.

Expect some to fade

Not every connection will become a friendship, and that is fine. If you invite someone a few times and it never quite happens, let it go without taking it as a verdict on you. Friendship is partly a numbers game, and every try makes the next one easier.

Write about it

What is one thing you used to love doing with other people that you have stopped? What would it take to try it again?