Staying close to your children after a separation

For many fathers, the hardest part of a separation is the empty house on the days the children are elsewhere. Seeing your children less does not have to mean being less of a father. What children remember is not the number of days. It is whether you were there, steady and interested, when you were together.

Make the time you have count

• Be predictable. Turn up when you say you will, every time. For a child moving between homes, reliability is a form of love they can see.
• Keep it ordinary. Weekends do not need to be outings and treats. Cooking together, homework, walks and bedtime routines build more closeness than a mall trip.
• Give them a place. A bed, a drawer, a toothbrush, a few of their things at your home, however small it is. It tells them they belong there, not that they are visiting.
• Stay in touch between visits, in ways that suit their age: a short call, a voice note, a photo of something that made you think of them. Keep it light and do not ask about the other home.

Talking about the other parent

Children do best when they do not have to choose. Speak about their mother respectfully, or not at all. Do not ask them what happens at the other home, and do not use them as messengers. If they say something difficult about the other home, listen calmly and, if you are worried about their safety, act through the proper channels rather than through them.

When access is being blocked or reduced

This is painful and can make you feel powerless. Some steps that help:

• Get proper legal advice from a family lawyer about your options. Do not rely on what friends say happened in their case.
• Keep a calm record: agreed times, missed visits, messages, payments you have made. Dates and facts, without commentary.
• Keep meeting your responsibilities, including any maintenance. It is right for your children, and it matters to how your case is seen.
• Never take matters into your own hands, like keeping a child longer than agreed. It hurts the children and your case.

Look after the father, too

Missing your children can bring up grief that comes in waves, especially on birthdays and festivals. Plan those days in advance so you are not alone. Writing a private letter to your child, about what you hope for them, is something many fathers find helps.

Write about it

What do you want your children to know about you, when they are grown?