Talking about sex with your partner

For many people, sex was never discussed growing up, except as something to be embarrassed about. So even in long marriages, partners may never have said out loud what they like, what they do not, or what worries them. The silence can harden into distance. Talking does not have to be dramatic to help.

Start small and outside the bedroom

You do not need one big conversation. Short, low-pressure moments work better: on a walk, during a long drive, or while doing something side by side. Being side by side rather than face to face often makes it easier.

Some ways in:

• “I read something about couples talking more about intimacy. Is that something we could try?”
• “There is something I would like us to try. Can I tell you about it, and you can say no?”
• “I want to make sure you are enjoying things as much as I am. Is there anything you would like more of, or less of?”

Make it safe to be honest

• Thank them for telling you, even if what they say is hard to hear. If honesty is met with hurt or anger, they will stop being honest.
• Talk about your own experience, using “I” sentences: “I feel closest when…” rather than “you never…”
• Agree that either person can say no to any suggestion, without having to justify it, and without it being held against them.
• Laugh if it is awkward. It usually is, and that is fine.

If one of you freezes or shuts down

Some people find this topic genuinely frightening, sometimes because of shame learned early, sometimes because of past experiences that were unwanted or harmful. If your partner shuts down, slow right down. Let them know there is no pressure and you can come back to it. If you are the one who freezes, it is okay to say “I want to talk about this, but I need to go slowly.”

If past experiences make intimacy distressing, a counsellor who works with trauma can help, at your pace.

Consent is part of the conversation

Talking openly is also how both partners make sure everything that happens is wanted. Being married or in a relationship does not change that. Checking in during intimacy is not a mood-killer; done warmly, it is part of trust.

Write about it

What is one thing you have never told your partner about what you want or need? Write it here first.