Telling your children about a separation

Few conversations feel heavier than this one. Children cannot be protected from a separation, but they can be protected from the worst of it: confusion, blame, and feeling that they have to choose. How you tell them matters a great deal, and it is something you can plan.

Before the conversation

• Tell them together, if it is safe to. Seeing both parents agree on the message is reassuring in itself.
• Agree on the words beforehand. A simple, honest explanation that does not blame either parent. For example: “We have decided we will be happier living in different homes. This is a grown-up decision, and it is not because of anything you did.”
• Know the practical answers. Where they will live, where they will sleep, when they will see each parent, whether school changes. Children usually care most about these.
• Choose the time. Not before school, an exam or bedtime. A weekend morning, with time afterwards to be together, is better.

What children of different ages need

Under six: short, concrete sentences, repeated often. “Papa will live in a new flat. You will sleep there on Saturdays. We both love you.” Expect the same questions many times.

Six to twelve: more explanation, and more worry about fairness and blame. They may secretly believe they could fix it. Say clearly that they did not cause it and cannot change it.

Teenagers: honesty without adult details. They may be angry, act like they do not care, or take sides. Give them some say in practical things like schedules, and respect their need for space.

Things to avoid

• Sharing adult reasons, like an affair or money problems, with children.
• Speaking badly about the other parent, or asking a child to carry messages.
• Asking a child where they want to live, as if it were their decision to make.
• Promising things you are not sure of, like “nothing will change.”

In the weeks after

Changes in sleep, appetite, school work, clinginess or anger are common and usually ease as routines settle. Keep routines as steady as you can across both homes. Tell their teacher, briefly, so they can be understood at school. If difficulties last for months, or a child talks about hurting themselves, speak to a doctor or a child counsellor.

Look after yourself too. Children cope best when at least one adult around them is coping. Writing privately about your own grief and anger keeps it from spilling into the time you have with them.

Write about it

Write a letter to your child, ten years from now, about how you hope they will remember this time. You never have to send it.