I have been thinking to journal since long , but the procrastinator that I am, always managed to distract myself into something else, be it social media dopamine dose or work that appear as urgent but not really important ! But I guess we always reach the limit when the dopamine does not give any more kick but a taste of guilt or a subtle taste of self loathing for being out of control !So finally here I am, starting to write my journal.I am forty six, working and earning reasonably to support my self and my family.&nbsp;But the question that often haunts &nbsp;“is that all ?” what is the purpose of this life ?I don't know its purpose but I know for sure that its not going up in the ladder of money, position, name or fame. May be its a good thing to know this, may be its a good starting point to look for something that has real meaning, but it also comes with its downside as there is no drive to achieve anything. The lure of the world does not work any more. The going becomes harder as there is no carrot hanging.The choices I am left with either to dig deep for that REAL or waste the opportunity by self-sabotage. I am aware that finding That REAL will not be easy, it will take a lot of everything. But that is the only path forward for me (or at least I am consciously not willing to choose self sabotage !)The starting point of that path for sure is discipline and consistency of effort which I have always struggled with. So the effort to journal my thoughts is also an effort for discipline and consistency. Is it very late ? Will find out.&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;

The beginning of penning 

Hi,This is my first sharing about my thoughts online. I don't know how to express myself clearly. Right now my thoughts are scattered.. don't know if my perspective is right or wrong.It's been few years of our marriage.. he is sweet loving caring husband. But he is very practical. Sometime I feel he is bit ahead of time in the way he perceive the things. May be this thought process might not be ideal &amp; suitable in all the circumstances. I am practical but emotional at the same time. Depending on the situation I will handle it in either way. As a result, if we both have different point of views in any situation (like one is logical other is emotional), I will be compromising in most of the situations. But is that correct ?For example, when any 2 people meet they will have shyness, bit of awkwardness, excitement, interest everything. As time passes, they become more comfortable with each other as their relationship grows. But if one person shares some thoughts which they are not comfortable or dislike and if the partner does the same even after knowing that. Does that mean the partner have respect towards the other. My wife point of view is I like it so I am doing it, but I love u and can't hurt u so don't probe or don't know these things. Even if u knew something don't share with me until I do as I need the space and not comfortable in discussing those topics.&nbsp;Initially I felt sad bad bit betrayed as I have heard so many lies but later understood her point of view and I thought I should respect that and accepted whatever has happened. But only requested not to repeat the same as I am not at all comfortable with that. However, she couldn't give her word as she is not sure abut herself and she want the freedom to commit the mistake … it doesn't mean she is gonna do that again but she wants that comfort and freedom. Honestly, I love her so much and I wanna give the same to her but I can't do that if she is being discreet and not honest with me.I just don't like if the one person I am gonna share my entire life is lying to me or couldn't respect my thoughts. Don't know what's the right mindset to maintain in this situation… so I have decided to ignore and not to give much importance on whether I am hearing is truth or lie. Decided to give the space and concentrate more on myself, my career.&nbsp;The problem is I am being disturbed whenever I am realizing what I heard earlier is a lie. Feeling sad that even though I am allowing &amp; giving space still my partner is not being honest, trusting me enough to share with me. May be she might share in future but until then what's the best way to deal with this ???&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;

Confusion Confusion

Just getting used to this. Thinking of where I am going to share and compile some personal things. Considering how much I type a day, no matter how long it is, it will be a blip in comparison. I am processing the things in my life. I feel there was a lot of psychological abuse that was never acknowledged. Physical abuse as well, but I feel like the psycholgical abuse is inherent in them. They are both mentally ill, but they spent my life projecting and inverting everything, arguing with me on everything, critiquing and saying i was crazy and belonged in hospital… only i was right about everything. So it is kind of a tragic story, subjected to the will of two insane people that were portraying me as insane and bad in general when i was nothing of the sort. And now Im almost 40 years old and they are in their 70s. But i was recently reminded, as I hadnt spoken to my mother in 6 years, I gave it a try again, but it just proved my instincts correct again. She is very selfish, and weak, and I believe weakness leads to negative aspects of human nature reigning supreme. My mother would rather live in denial at my expense, and continue to spread lies about what actually happened to me, blame me for things she and my father are responsible for… etc. There is no acknowledgement, remorse, nothing.&nbsp;

Testing...

This will be my first writing in this site.Communication has always been a problem to me. It is not that I'm not good with words; it's just that it's hard for me to express my emotions. My parents, siblings, and friends doesnt think good of me. They often misunderstand me, but just thinking of how i can clarify myself stresses me too much. Consequently, I am not able to do it. Yet, no matter what happens I always smile in front of people. I know that as an adolescent, I might be experiencing the identity vs. role confusion. However, I feel like maybe I'm just too fake of a person. I judge people as soon as I talk to them, after that I set how I act to them. I have never shown these emotions or thoughts, so people think of me as just someone soft ( like how I want to be portrayed). My emotions piled up for all these years and I never really vented it out. I started acting irritable, I direct my anger to objects ( I'm not the type to take anger out on people). Now, my family thinks that I have behavioral problems. I fucked up, my image might now be changed…&nbsp;&nbsp;ps. i might just be too egocentric…