Udon Noodles

I’ve been struck with the realization recently that I like udon noodles more than ramen. Its funny though, I doubt I will order my food with udon noodles instead of ramen next time I go out and eat. Its easier to stay the same. I believe thats the definition of insanity, or maybe thats just what Einstein said. I don’t know why we all seem to agree with him, I don’t think its insane to do something after failing. I think thats just what humans do. It’s what I do. I might not be the best point of reference though, I learned that a few months ago. I learned a lot of things in these past few months, one of them sticks out to me though. I can’t seem to learn my lesson. When I was younger, I hated cleaning my room. I’m not sure why, but I did. Every time, my parents would take my stuff. I knew they would. Yet, I still didn’t clean. The only way that I did begin cleaning my room was because I wanted to. And now, I’m sitting in a clean room that my parents didnt tell me to clean. I dont mind cleaning it actually, not now. But I used to. I’m very mean to my father, I am not sure why but I am. I dont know if this is my fault or his, considering, everyone is mean to my father. I have yet to learn my lesson of being mean to him, I get punished, but I dont stop. I dont know why this cause and effect has taken to everyone but me. I think that to be nice to my father I’ll have to want it, I’m not sure if I do. My dad has the same problem. He cant seem to learn his lesson either. No matter how much I yell or cry at him, he never listens. The other day, he asked my a serious of questions about my friend. I answered, I wasn’t even rude. I was nice and caring, I answered thoughtfully. I tried. Two days later, he asked me the exact same questions after seeing her. They were simples ones too, he shouldnt have any problem remembering how old she was or how I met her. But he did. I haven’t tried again since. Sometimes when I write I feel performative, which is why I’m making this entry public. It makes it better for me. Not many things make it better for me. One thing I can think of though is the color pink. I went through multiple online diary options and I couldn’t find one that let me customize it pink without paying. I dont feel like getting my card out though, so I guess I will bite the bullet. I feel like journals are for writing about your day, but I find that futile. I can’t remember my day. Well I can kind of, but not enough to where I find any point in jotting it down. I can try though. Today, I woke up and read my books. After a while, I ate something. I can’t remember what. After that, I read more of my book. Hours later, I ate again. This time, I had a mango and udon noodles. I went back to reading after that. I guess this is why I dont write my activities. And theres no point in talking about what I read, because I dont remember. Isn’t that weird? I remember what I ate, for lunch. The thing I forgot. It was fries, with chick fil a sauce. I like that sauce, I like a lot of sauces actually. Like Sonic groovy sauce. And honey mustard. Haha, remembering things is actually taking the longest out of writing. I guess thats why I dont try, it takes too long. I could be doing other things, like reading, and forgetting that too. I dont even remember what I wrote. I think I’d like to keep it that way. If I cant remember anything, then it cant affect me. I wonder what I would feel like if this spell was lifted. I hope I never know. I hope a lot. Another thing I’ve been hoping for is to see the sunset. Not just in general, but a specific one. This must have been a month or two ago, actually longer. It was last year I think. I’m not sure why this is the memory that made it past the fog. I almost wrote down that it was a few weeks ago. Time flies huh. But anyways, I saw this sunset. I was on my way to get ramen, not udon. And there was this beautiful sunset, I stared at it until I couldn’t. There were little things in my eyes I think. They yellow of the sun was so pretty. I didn’t even pay attention to the surrounding skies. I dont know if they were pink, or blue, or orange. But the sun was yellow, so yellow. It was like if you took the sunset and concentrated it into one burning point. The closest I’ve been to seeing this sunset was a few weeks ago. It was about to storm and I went on a walk. I’m not exactly sure why. I think I wanted to prove I still had a sense of will, so I went outside. There was this streetlamp, I started into it again. It was so similar to the sun. Not exact, but the closest I’ve found. During that walk I also said hi to the frogs and my own shadow. I also ended the walk running back into my house because I was convinced I could hear someone in the bushes. Looking back now, I dont think there was someone in the bushes. But, that was also the most alive I had felt in a while, so I dont regret the fear. This must be getting long, I have a whole tangent about fear and anxiety. I guess that can be the topic of my next journal entry, if I remember at least. Sayonara, good friend.