Maybe Something Hopefully Nothing

I take comfort in the fact that I can go through the days alone. I know that I don't need many people in my life and I am fine with the great people I have met even if there are just a few.

My first day of college felt like I was going blind. Its not easy having to navigate it in an online set up while the pandemic was still happening. I did not know anyone in my degree program, and I did not have the best interpersonal skills. Talking, socializing, was too much. Every time I had to do it I felt all the blood in my body rushing to my face, and that any moment I was going to have a fever. But I got through it. I made 1 or 2 friends, but it was fleeting. That's why I decided to join an organization. Too make friends. Which, SPOILER, I did not make a lot (but not so little as well). 

I am now a senior in college. The past years I have seen myself grow. I tried to do activities on my own; I handled it without company, without friends to go with. The old me would never do this and would just follow along what her friends would do. I became part of new communities/groups on my own. A separate life. Something different. It was a great feeling, I felt accomplished.

But then this day happened. Nothing particular, other than a though that suddenly crossed my mind. For the past few days I've been feeling so alone. I did not want to think about it too much because it may be one of those days. But then it never leaves, it lingers throughout the whole day. So why not think about it. 

Its as if I am only a person passing through their lives. Not someone permanent, but someone who is relevant at this point, at this phase. I can't express it clearly enough without sounding to depressing. But I genuinely feel like no one cares about me. Not even my closest and longest friends. I've noticed that every time I speak in different friend groups, all of them everyone is the same, they only wait for me to finish my sentences. They don't listen. I know because I see it. I always see it in their eyes. I can tell from their body language. By everyone, I mean EVERYONE. Every person you could think of, yes they do that. When I speak, someone will talk over me and I would gradually lower my tone to pretend that I wasn't speaking in the first place. Sometimes when this happens and they notice, they will turn their attention to me, but then I'll pretend that I have already forgotten what I was saying because it's not relevant anymore. I don't know how to articulate it anymore other than saying that it hurts so much. It hurts so much that every part of my body is in pain. So much that I just want to rot.

I do acknowledge my fault in this. I wanted to be by myself so much, that maybe I pushed them away.