TRAIN OF THOUGHTS THAT NEVER STOP.

All my life, up until this point, I have always thought or done things that are based on some outcome. For example, I'd say I will work on myself if I get a well-paying job. 

Why was I so stupid? I am still stupid as I write this, maybe insert a superlative of stupid, because even when I know that I cannot control everything in my life or have everything planned out perfectly and expect that it works well, I still link things up. This is bringing me down. I do have good friends. I am super open and I share my thoughts with them, but at this point, I do not want to share my thoughts with anyone in person. I am not depressed. It is just that I am trying to figure out what my purpose in life is. Will I ever know? Do you think it doesn't matter?

I think it matters. I think we all have something to do in this life. The meaning of life or our purpose transcends beyond our understanding. Sometimes I see people and envy them for having the life they do. But, I started to believe that every life has its ups and downs. No matter the person. 

Dear Lord/Universe/Krishna, if you are reading this, please know that I might've said multiple times that I have the worst battles to fight and asked you for help a gazillion times. You showed up every time. I am asking you to help me again. Please take a look at my mental state and pull me out of this rut. I feel good about writing this here more than praying to you every morning. This gives me some kind of relief that you are reading this. Maybe you are! If you are, please take me to a place where I can relax my mind. You know what I am talking about. I have been manifesting for it for more than a year now. I have been working hard. You saw it too. I believe it is time I reap my rewards. I am asking you to be just. 

I am at a crossroads. Some say it is our hard work that gets us rewards. But sometimes we fail. We fail no matter the hard work we do. How is it fair? Some say it is I who's planned out my life that way based on the choices I made so far. Some say the universe gives its worst battles to its best knights. It is really hard and I am at a stage where I feel this feeling is invalid and that I haven't worked hard (enough). I don't know why I am gaslighting myself. 

I just want you to give me the thing I have been asking you for for so long because:

1. It is not selfish. I am not asking for anything that shouldn't be asked.
2. I am not being greedy. I have done my part sincerely, I just do not want it to go in vain.
3. I deserve it. You know I deserve it. 
4. You are the one who put me on the path of it and helped me understand and get more interested in it.
5. Now, I am completely immersed in it and I feel at ease.
6. You might argue that you will give me something better. But I do not want that better thing. At least not now. You know why I am this desperate about it. Time is passing (more like flying by) and you know it is going to get harder with each second passing by. 

Please do not think that I am being insane or rude to ask you things this way. I am your disciple. I love you and I know you are supporting me. I know you love me too. Which is why I am taking advantage of our friendship and asking you for things(in a good way). I hope you forgive me for things I have done to hurt others or even myself. Release me from my karmic debts.

Give me a sign today if you read this. Thank you! I will wait for you!