targeted at my stepdad,

i fucking hate you and the only reason i tolerate you is because my brothers are too young to not had you in their lives, the only good you do is taking care of them because mum doesn’t make enough money to support all of us and i don’t have my id yet so i can’t work, i hate you, i fucking hate you so much you poor excuse of a man, after grandma died, you just went to shit, she was the only reason you had acted right, because you know that she would beat your ass if she was alive to know the things you did to me and mum, all the verbal and mental abuse, the reason why i can’t even hug you without wanting to scrub my body raw, the way my heart and mind panic whenever you pick up the boys, the reason why i hold so much anger and rage, yet i only take it out on myself because i know the guilt that follows when lashing out on people, i dont know how you did it, i felt sick the very few times i lashed out on mum and nana, but i was still in sophomore and junior year the few times it happened, i held so much anger that YOU gave me, and i am trying to be better, but now i’m stuck believing that the only way i can be loved is for my body, i feel so gross and disgusting, but the only way i can keep people close is if i let them use me, sounds familiar doesn’t it? you said we were bonding, i knew better, but i wanted so desperately to have a father, i didn’t fight back, i don’t even know if it was actually real, but it was repeated, and it feels real every time i try to remember it, like my body remembers what my mind cant, i remember when i would claw at my own skin with anything i could find, even my own nails, just to get the feelings of your hands off of me, but it never does, i was a kid, and i hate that tj shares the same name as you, i can only call him tj because saying your name makes me sick, and i hate how i can see you in them, but i’ll always love my brothers, no matter how much you hurt me, i won’t ever take my anger for you out on them