what is my life?

well, i watched penthouse and i feel like having an online will be helpful by the time i die. 

so i will write under the pseudonym of min seol ah. so that in case anybody finds this while i am alive,  they won't realize it is me. still i will be puttng a lil bit of hints here and there. 

so…. my life started in 2002 and since it has been a misrable story of always being compared to my elder sis and my younger bro always having more value. 

after being born, my mother left me with my grandmother. why? bcoz her next child was a lot more important. as you will see he will always be. 

4 years, i stayed there without her. while she prepared for next son. 

if someone ever finds this please know i died out of want. everyday i wanted to die more than anything. i have lost the want to live. i have lost the want to be loved or to love someone else. my family does not need an extra child like me. it won't be a wonder if i am adopted or was just born in case their other children have any disease. you know what, i might want to do it myself, give my organs to someone else so that they can live on in a better place. bcoz any place would be better than here.

so, fast forward to grade 10th when i actually realized i am an extra child. You see i was bullied then. i was delibedeliberately cut off from my whole class by someone i used to consider a friend. i know this does not seem much tbh. i would not bat an eye if this happened now but i was child back then and it affected me. idk why it did but it just did. and i became suicidal. i could not kill myself to be exact bcoz i used to think death is a pain, so i took to drawing. i drew death so that i could get it off mind. i drew myself doing things i wanted to. i drew myself hanging and slitting my wrists bcoz i could not do that irl. and my mum found the drawings. If i was a mother who found that, i would be worried. i would worry as to why the child is doing that. but this mother did not. she did not worry. she just told her child that she is overreacting. 

idk what else screams a more neglecting mother. why did she neglect me? was her elder daughter that much more important? that was when i realized i will always come after her. she will always be loved more by her than me. 

i hope whosoever reads this sheds atleast one tear if not more.

i shall be back to write this again until i am alive.

thank you