Once again, I allowed myself to be hurt on New Year's Day

I didnt sleep much after chatting with him. It is like a scab that was recovering so so well and out of weakness and out of loneliness, I opened his email on New Year's day. I decided to download the Hello Talk app. Gingerly, I looked through the messages that were displayed for almost a month. My heart was stirred. The last straw was that he had covid. I decided to chat and find if he is ok. Huge mistake. I shouldnt have. I soon spiralled into a state of sorrow. I emailed him to express how I feel. It was quite idiot proof that I had feelings for him and I was trying to restrain myself. I told him I cannot download the app and need to settle down my emotions. I dont want to use him as an emotional crutch and rely him so much. I received huge disappointment when I dont receive his messages and I was already straight to the point. Can you come to my country and we try to work it out? I long for his physical company but it sounds so pathetic.

At night, I decided to download the app again and I saw his single message: "I didnt know that I have caused so much stress in you." I am speechless. I call him again. He was firm and used the very words that I have penned in the email. He stated very clearly, pure friendship. Yet, if you look at the words that he has expressed for the past month, it was clear that he had feelings for me. Could I interpret his words wrongly? But tell me, why would a guy write freaking daily and express his longing and missing towards me? He is sending so confusing and misleading signals. Once again, I am hurt. Not a good start for the new year. He was asking me to put aside all the feelings and focus on healing and our so called emotions are friendship. Focus on healing. Pure friendship. He dont want to be stress out and spoils this so called pure friendship. Wow. I remained silent and soon knives of pain, confusion and anger pierced into my heart. Flashes of his longing messages tried to justify this meaningless situation. Anger soon ignited. He kept on speaking his mother tongue as if he lost it as well and want to bring the point across that I need to focus on healing and not other stuff and stress him as well.Should I have taken pictures of what he has written and ask my friends? But then again i think this action would have hurt me even deeper as I have the evidence. Anyway, I didnt do it in the end.

I told God, never will I approach him again. Even though he might email, I will not open the mail anymore. I will not make the initiative to call him via hellotalk. He cannot commit and gave his terms. 

1. Equal splittling of expense

2. Cohabitation is ok? 

3. Even if marriage, it is just for company. He has past the stage of sexual desires. He just want mental connection

Our last conversation seem to revolve around marriage and last night conversations as well. It is like we are playing a deck of poker cards, trying to understand each other's limits and boundaries. He also expressed that he didnt like the way I teased him and said I should not do that in front of friends. Need to give him face. But the point is how the hell can it even take place? We are in different countries, different social standings, huge income gap and there is a gulf of problems between us. He has been unemployed for 1 year and based on the environment, he is facing a huge national crisis that basically has 20% unemployment. 

He was still trying to give me emotional support, encouraging me to move on from the traumas and tragedies that I have experienced. Perhaps God has used him to speak to me. Perhaps. But at the same token, I have fallen for him and I am shutting down. I dont want to listen to his logical reasonings any more. After the call, I tried to drown myself with social media and anxiety hit me so hard that I simply cannot sleep. Once again, I have landed myself into unnecessary pain. So much pain. I hated this fuzz. I told God , help me. I dont want this messy, so called brother like relationship. So he cares for me from a brother perspective and I have mistaken his intentions? Come on, then why talk about marriage? I am so hurt. 

Dear Heavenly Father, I am so sorry. I have opened a door that should not have open. A door that has inflicted me so much pain. A door that caused me to lose sleep. I need a regular habit of sleeping well. I pray for holy forgetfulness to forget my conversations with him last night, the messages that he has written to me. Help me to focus on You and You alone. Why God, is it so hard to find a godly man that I can simply connect? I lost hope and I rather bank my hope on You. You never fail me. I surrender this matter into Your hands. God, help me to put this matter behind my back and move on in 2023 with Your grace and mercy. I just want to heal and recover and no longer be trapped in this love stuff anymore. Help me God. IN the most precious name of Jesus Christ I pray