Is it my fault?

It has been a long while since I pen my thoughts. I felt indignant. I just bought the new tingkat , washed and waiting for it to dry and use. It looks nice, shiny and beautiful. The next day I saw my mom chucking the tingkat in a corner, which I had not asked her to do so. To my horror, the lid to the 3rd one disappeared. She always do things halfway, if she had transferred all the tingkat pieces , perhaps the lid might not have disappeared. The tingkat pieces are scattered everywhere, up in the dishrack, on the shelf. Basically, she has only goldfish memory and I have to pick her pieces. I exploded at her and questioned her where she has misplaced it. As usual, she said she didnt keep. That infuriate me further. I released my anger by smashing everything in sight.There is only 1 person, which is me doing chores and my mom who tries to do chores but fail. I just left everything to dry on the dishrack, there is no way that the tingkat pieces could fly to the shelf. I did not ask her to do so as I know pieces of tingkat would be missing. I prayed, God, help me, I need to find it. But I could not find it. I was super upset. Hatred , bitterness and resentment arose in my heart. An insidious thought grew. Shall I stabbed myself and return my life to her? I couldnt take her nonsense any longer. I asked Joanne, am I utter mistake? Hot scalding tears flow down my face right now. My dad told me to find again. I lost it. I stayed outside until 11pm last night while chatting with Joanne. Mom, you do know I am alive because of prayers , right? Else I would be dead last year.

My dad tried to call and leave a message. I refused to pick up. 

Dear God, Help me. That is the only prayer I could utter right now.