Anger coupled with pride - cocktail of depression
Flashback hits me like a matchstick striking the matchbox of memories. It soon ignited the initial memory of how the scammer try to build the trust and soon a matchstick was ignited. Followed by another a matchstick. I find myself burning in past memory. When I tried to distract myself by doing household chores, the smoke lingered. Just when I took a quick break, I opened up my mom's Xmas gift. I cried. $50 NTUC vouchers. They wrote a love message and showed the practicality of their love. I lost it. Pride was embedded within me. Their gift extracted it out. I couldnt understand why they want to give it to me. I felt ashamed, embarrased and guilty. It is like I shouldnt or couldnt accept the gift. I called my close friend and bawling it out. She asked, is it so hard to receive love and gift from others? Yes. It is a humbling homework that I need to learn for all these years. I am still learning it. She explained, "No wonder your dad said that you have so much pride in you. You didnt open up when the matter happened." I hate the scammer and syndicate so much. They have robbed me. They capitalised my trust, my naive and hard earned money and turned me into a person who was so tormented. I hated myself for falling such devious scheme. I couldnt forgive myself. But if God has forgiven me, why cant I? I want to end my life for countless times, but the truth of hell lingers. My mind is like a mesh of raw emotions. I dont want to feel like a victim but I was. Why? Why me? I wish the scammers will go to hell, I wish the syndicate dead. These are honest human feelings. But I know, I have to forgive them. I have to release them back to God. It sucks. It hurts like hell. I tried social media numbing. I tried food numbing. Pain is real. It is very real.
Dear Heavenly Father, please help me. I surrender my anger, hatred, bitterness, resentment, sorrow, regret and guilt to You. I dont want to be held captive anymore. Enough is enough. Vindicate for us, the victims, the pain and anguish that we have been going through every single moment. Why should the perpertrators be getting away scot free while we are so tormented with the raw emotions? I choose to forgive them but only with Your grace. I choose to let it go and You help me. Justice needs to be rendered , O Lord. Heal my heart. Fill me with the joy of the Lord. I dont know what else to pray O Lord. Help. In the most precious name of Jesus Christ I pray