Just to keep you up to date, I have a virtual appointment
with a psychiatrist on the 29th of this month. I
did well for 12 days and then on the 30th the anxiety returned. I
have some depression too, and still feel hopeless. Sill feel like I have
questions but never any answers and solutions. I still hope it’s just a matter
of getting used to the new medication dose and my lady hormones settling in, but
I don’t know what to think anymore. I just know that 8 years of going around in
circles with this is ridiculous so I made the appointment. I just don’t know if
I can be helped. While I’m at it, I have a question for you. Is it OK to take a
10MG CBD gummy before 4 hours after taking my levothyroxine? 

The above paragraph was my message to my docs earlier. I’d
been planning to check in with them and give them an update, but I didn’t want
to do so without making an appointment first and have them be like, we told
you to make the appointment, blah, blah blah. 

What I didn’t tell them was that I’m fed up. Honestly, I can’t
take this anymore.

Tom and I were talking about what might happen to us after we're gone and whether or not there’s an afterlife and all kinds of things like that.
Of all the different theories, I realized that none of us can know anything
until we’re gone. I still hope there’s no afterlife at all. 

Because it’s so hard for me to believe that Aly wouldn’t
send me a sign that she goes on somehow and have a positive influence on my emotional
state if she could, it makes me think that there is no afterlife, or she simply
can’t. Hell, even my parents would lend a helping hand if they could and wouldn’t
want me suffering like this. 

Tom brought up an interesting theory about those lights I
saw back in Phoenix. Maybe it wasn’t an alien craft but a glimpse into another
dimension and time. Maybe even the ghosts some people claim to see are from
another place and time. 

I sure wonder about those multi-dimensions, alright.
Especially with some of the dreams I’ve had. I recently had one where I was
thinking about how my parents were 72 and 73 and that I hadn’t contacted them
for a while. I thought it would be a good time to send them a letter. It wasn’t
so much what happened in the dream that makes me wonder, but how real it felt.
Like I was really in some other place and time.  

Virtual appointment.

 If only we could
wind back the hands of time and do this room up right. Actually, I should have
moved into the other bedroom. That way there would be less space to have to put
the soundproofing material on and only one window and one door rather than two
windows and three doors. Then, instead of trying to get wallboards or go over
the MLV with drywall or something, we should have gone over it with the thick,
textured tiles he stuck on his back wall. Then there would be the plugs, vent
baffle, solid core door, and the best window money could buy with thick glass.
We would probably have to do floors and ceilings as well.  

All this may
still be done if the storms allow me enough sleep that I can stay in Florida
and the horses are a bust. Well, I don’t know about the storms, but I know the
horses are just a dream. This is the second week in a row he lost. He says he
just has to “get better” at it, but I know and accept it’s just a fantasy. Just
like me hoping to break into the music business way back when. But this time it’s
not a devastating thought as it was years ago. We’re not cramped into a dumpy
rental in a shitty climate, and it’s not like I haven’t traveled, bought/done things.
If we never have extra money or move again, that will be OK as long as we’re
healthy and happy. We’ll just switch rooms so we can save money on the
soundproofing. The only pain in the ass will be having to come out to use the
bathroom when I wake up. But I don’t wanna do anything until I know if I can
even stay in the state. 

The thing is,
my sleep is so cursed that it’s just going to be something or another fucking
with it no matter where we go. However, there is a big difference between being
woken up a few times a month as opposed to a few times a week, as I learned
when we left Auburn. Today was a one-hour power failure. 

Although
tired, I managed to go to the store just to get out. Got a couple of single
caramel pieces that were $0.34 each and a 4-pack of White Merlot. Why not? It
doesn’t seem to make me more or less anxious, after all. It can mess with my
sleep, but so can everything else in the world. I swear, if it is in an outside
source, it’s my own damn body having a nightmare, having to get up to pee, waking
up too cold, waking up too hot, etc. 

On the way
out we saw a possum running along the fence at one end of the park. It was a
pretty good size too. I learned that they can get up to 9-13 pounds but they
won’t pounce if you run into them as long as they don’t feel cornered or
threatened. As with skunks, they’ll try to escape before they go on the attack.
They’re so adorably cute. 

Just like in
the last place, my vibes and my logic are at odds with each other. My logic
always said we would leave CH in 2024, but my vibes said otherwise. Because I
don’t believe the horses are going to amount to much, my logic says we’ll be
here for a long time, maybe even forever. But that’s not what my vibes say.
Knowing that my vibes are usually the winner, I wonder if that could be because
I’m not going to be able to get any sleep when it’s storming every day. 

I just hope DeSantis
doesn’t become president no matter where we live. He’d be another Trump for
sure. That’s part of why he’s doing all this crazy anti-gay shit. It scores
points and therefore votes from all the haters. Biden has turned out to be
completely worthless as a prez. He’s just too damn old. I keep hoping he’ll get
sick so Kamala can take over. I don’t know that she would be any better, but at
least we would have a chance. Really hope they make pot legal nationwide, but
when and if that happens, it will be years from now, unfortunately. Really want
to try it for my anxiety. If it worked, I wouldn’t give a fuck if I got
addicted and became the pothead from hell, nor would I care about the potential
side effects like how it fucks with memory and things like that. This is my
first calm day after three or four days of anxiety. I still think most of it is
on the medication adjustments, or at least I hope so. In a few weeks, I go to
the lab. I’m guessing I’m going to be an 11. Still hoping I’ll be able to get
under 10, although I still doubt I’ll ever be able to get between 1-4.  

Dreams

Forgot to mention yesterday that I finally beat him at golf. It was only by one stroke, but I never thought I’d see the day. Then again, the more you do something, the more you improve. Usually, that’s the case anyway. 

Andy’s back to annoying me with the celeb/black shit. I learned a couple of things a long time ago, though. You can’t change people’s minds just by sharing your own POV. Secondly, asking him to stop something does me no good most of the time. I’m learning more and more that it’s best to just ignore annoying people. If it was constantly in my face, that would be different. I don’t know if he just wants to annoy me and gets off on it or what, but I’ve told him enough times that I’m not into celebrities. Plus, he knows we have different opinions where blacks are concerned. It’s a no-brainer. There’s no real mystery here. So why he wants to keep sending me memes related to the Smith/Rock incident at the Oscars is beyond me. 

Having a blah night. Totally wish I could snap my fingers and have it be daytime and us on the beach. I have a feeling that would turn off this feeling pretty quickly. Wish I could at least go out and sit on a dock over some canal or something like what my parents had for a while. Part of me is still tempted to run to a shrink, but what could she do for me??? Give me drugs I couldn’t handle. I still have no reason not to believe this isn’t going to be an issue on and off for the rest of my life, so I really have to learn to live with it. 

I promised myself a long time ago that I would never give in to delusions and brainwash myself into believing there was a God that loved me and was looking out for me as a means of coping. None of that feel-good shit. Then again, if it would help me, why not? Even if I was kidding myself; if I could make myself believe that this story truly had an ending to it, why not? Why not give myself hope, no matter how false it may be? If I could just tell myself, it’s only until I get adjusted to the new dose and until my hormones fully settle in, and then everything will be fine, and make myself believe it while I was at it, why the hell not? 

I dropped the soundproof blanket down by the open side of the bed and covered most of it. Slept with the nature sound up a little louder and added an earplug and no thunder woke me up. Tom said on a scale of 1 to 10, the thunder was a 6 and there were several sessions of it too. 

Why not start kidding myself?

After long time(due to Covid lockdown), I started going to office.

Kanika made some Aloo-Poori in lunch. Kanika told me that Daksh asked curiously, Papa will not eat this? He showed his concern towards me.

I really liked it. Although, its a small thing. But, small things matters a lot! It made my day.

Little things matters - When Daksh asked Papa will not eat it?

I was looking for a design revamp of planndesign.com. Its been an old design in bootstrap, designed by me. This time, I was completely revamping the technology stack as well.

I decided to get the design in Tailwind-CSS by looking at its simplicity and its becoming famous.

First, I thought to give this work to my full-time hired developer Abdul. But, I realized that he will also not be able to justify it, as he is not a designer. I thought I will do it. But, I realize that it will take a lot of time. It's better to outsource this. I looked for freelancers.

Finally, I hired this energetic guy Meet on freelancer.com

We fixed the final delivery on 12th March 2022. But, he could not do it. 

He said bla-bla. I was involved in a personal emergency. He said, he is more serious in it than me. I was like, OK. I said OK. I again asked for a final date. he gave me 24th March 2022. And, he said: Chillax. I was getting annoyed by him. After delaying by almost double the fixed date, you are saying Chillax. I was like ok.

But, when he did not deliver it on 24th. I lost my mind. I warned him, that I will wait for him today only. Then, he asked for releasing the payment. I said, what is the meaning of milestone. When we decided. You did not even showed me anything. How can I release the payment.

I knew, that he did not complete it. I bluntly said, I know you did not complete it, but I will wait for today only. He had lot of excuses, I did cut the phone.

I mean, why did you take the work, when you can not do it. It wasted my 25 days.

Why did you take the work Freelancer - Fedup

So, I went to my brother's anniversary function. Everything went well. It was when he was opening all the gifts. Obviously, there are some gifts that are awesome, and some are not good. 

Next day, I came to know his reaction on my elder sister's gift to him. BTW, it was a pressure cooker (for kitchen purpose). My brother did call to her (such a dare-devil). He told her straight away that he was expecting more, some wealthy gift. Not this cheap one. He said, now your home condition is good, your husband is earning well, your son is now earning much. You should have given something bigger. If I would be at her place, I would have done something bigger!

I was shocked, I mean did anyone say like this. 

To give more context, my brother is the eldest of all. And, I'm the youngest.

Yesterday, I was talking to other elder sister. She told me other shocking info.

So, we have 3 sisters. One of them is in really poor condition. Lets call her sister-2. We usually give money to her. Well, I never seen my elder brother to do this, but he speaks a lot (kind of BC). 

So, he told my sister-3 that sister-2 won't be able to gift something nice. Why don't you both (sister-1/sister-3) gift something to me on behalf of sister-2. I was too shocked to hear this. OMG.

She also told me that its getting difficult to tell him anything about their kids success. As, they would jealous. I agree with that. My brother did never congratulate them about their son's recently earned job. Due to jealousy. She told me that they came to her house in November for Bhai-dooj (A brother-sister festival). Even then, he did not congratulate them. He straight away asked him (Son of sister-3), how much you earn. He told a figure. He straight away said, "Now you can gift anything to his daughter, now I will not stop you, its your first Bhai-dooj after-all". I mean, really! 

She said, her son took my brother's kids to outing. They had something to eat. On return, my brother asked, what did you eat. And, he said, ONLY! 

WHen I was there at the function. Next day, I went to meet son of my sister-1. I have some special bonding with him. We had dinner. I intentionally did not take my brother's kids with me. My brother has a wrong habit of putting his kids along with everybody who so ever is going outside. I mean, privacy is something. Sometimes, its ok. But, not always. And, I get to know that he yells at my father for this. That, why he (me) did not take my kids! Period!

Bhai is on a different level altogether - Lichadpan at max

Its been a complete season gone, and our work is not finishing. Its related to our new flat. We have done massive work here. Except from Electrician Jitender, everybody gave trouble. Its too difficult to handle labor. 

Now, these painter guys. They went to holidays without telling anything. Our shifting dates kept on shifting due to lot of people. First, the contractor Ramesh, then Carpenter Sudhir, now this painter.

I don't understand, these people don't want to work and earn. They have lot of attitude and ego. 

This painter used to come at site at 11:30 and leave by 5/5:30. And, holidays on weekend.

Today, I did my office from this flat to see when they are coming, but they did not come.

I did message to them, one last time. If they are not coming by tomorrow, no money no stuff, nothing. Enough is enough.

Completing House Work - Too Difficult a Task - Too difficult to handle Labors

I pick him from school when his classes finishes at around 12:30 PM. As I reach his school, I handed over the escort card to guards. I kept waiting for him, and kept rolling my eyes in school, searching for him. Sometimes, I started worried when he won't come in few minutes.

When I get a sight of his, I always smile saying there is our hero. I think every parent think of same, I'm just writing my emotion here.

I hold his heavy bag, and asked him the usual question: How was the day? Did you do fun?

Taking Daksh from School - Happy to see him

Schools are open after 2 years, due to Covid. Daksh was very excited to goto school. Since, its only 15 days of school in this month. I decided to drop him to school.

As we have to drop our kids at the school gate. I dropped him, and he went straight inside. I kept watching him untill I lose sight of him. I was afraid inside as I was leaving him. As a parent, where kids are living under your care and protection. When kids go outside, its a constant fear for their safety.

Inside, I felt proud about him. How kids adapt themself to face this world. 

Afraid to See Daksh Going Alone in School - Kids Growing

Today, Rishab also left. I wrote his farewell notes, if I get a chance to speak.

Soft spoken guy. Chhota sa lagta tha, but he is close to 30!!

very dedicated. He should keep learning new things.

Hubble was a completely different domain from Bast. I think he did pretty well.

Apart from work, we discussed about smart watches, kahan ghumna hai.

But, couldn't get a chance to speak as people were just talking randomly this time. This is another person from Suman's team left.

Rishabh also Left Suman's team

Instantly, one thing came to my mind that she got some offer or so.

I called her, and she started speaking like giving an official status. I laughed and congratulated her.

She gave her official resignation to Suman. She said, Suman did not like it, and was not expecting this.

The times are very challenging for management. Lot of people are leaving...

I think managers should be ready for this. They should make them feel happy and congratulate them on their progress.

I will write more about Shriya later. She was an intern, worked with me for most of her internship.

Shriya Leaving Adobe - Microsoft

 I was having so much fun sharing pics from my various trips
on VZfit but lately, they’re not transferring over. There always has to be a fucking
issue. I guess it’s no biggie, though, because I’m doing it to exercise and not
to share pics, but it was a nice bonus. I was getting sick of having to
transfer them one at a time too. You would think these things would be simpler,
but apparently not. Anyway, I’m only gonna do 10 miles a day on my trip so I
can do other trips in between for variety. There are a million miles of boring Nevada
desert with nothing much to see but the same old stuff. This is a very ugly-looking
desert compared to the Sonoran and Mojave deserts. 

I jump back and forth between Chicago Med and new Lifetime
movies and in the latest episode of Chicago Med, there was a young woman who didn’t
know that her own mother had her sterilized as a teen because she was
promiscuous and they were poor. The mother didn’t want the daughter to end up
in her shoes. Apparently, this was legal to do in some states up until 1973.
The daughter thought she had an appendectomy.  

The first thing that came to mind as I watched this was how
my mother would have jumped at the opportunity to have this done to me if she
could have, even though I wasn’t with anyone. She never wanted me to have kids.
I don’t think it was just that she believed I would be a bad mother. No, I
think it went beyond that. It was also about money and her not wanting the
burden that grandchildren bring.  

The only thing that didn’t make sense in the show was that
the woman was too poor to find out why she couldn’t conceive. Well, if she was
that poor, how would she afford a kid? I understood the reason this woman
sterilized her kid and why my mother would have gladly done it to me if she
could snap her fingers and have it done but it’s still wrong. It should always
be up to the woman to choose whether or not she does or doesn’t have kids. 

I fought all the fighters on the easy round and even beat
the champ on Thrill of the Fight. Tomorrow begins the next level up. Tom’s on
the endurance round and he’s been cremated by the champ a few times, LOL. He’s
going to keep trying. I’m sure it will get tougher and tougher for me as well,
even though I’m in better shape, lighter, and have more muscle. 

Another nightmare woke me up but I don’t remember what this
one was about. I did have a dream that he started a drug for his essential tremors
that began with an E. Funny name for it. Why is it “essential” that you tremor? 

Unfortunately, I’ve been hit with yet another round of
anxiety. I really think it is about the medication. I just can’t believe I’m
suddenly anxious about being on nights after I’ve spent nearly half my life on
nights. Nor can I believe my hormones are that powerful this late in the game.
So what do I do? I cut my waiting time down, of course. At least I’m not
skipping. I think I’m always going to have to adjust my waiting time based on
how I feel. I’ll get anxious as the stuff ramps up in my bloodstream and less
anxious as it drains a little when I wait only a half-hour instead of an hour before
having my coffee. It’s no wonder that I felt so good during the summer. It’s
also why I was so exhausted. I would still rather be tired than anxious. 

The Russian/Ukrainian war still rages on. It’s easy for me
to say that I don’t think it will spark a nuclear war, but what the hell do I
know anymore? People can be as unpredictable as they can be predictable. It
makes no sense for them to do so, but people don’t always exercise logic in
their actions. People do things all the time for no reason. Oh, I’m still sure
there will be one. I just think it will be after we’re gone. For now, I don’t
think Putin wants to destroy what he wants to take over. If he destroys
Ukraine, then it can’t become part of his territory.  

Russia and Ukraine

 The red sports car is still there, but they’ve been fairly
quiet. The motorcycle hasn’t gone out since the 20th. It seems
projects and company are mostly with keeps him off of the thing so I’m hoping
they stay awhile longer wherever they’re from. They’re a little too far to make
out the plate, but Tom thought it looked like an Ohio plate. Also, I don’t
think there are kids over there after all. I think what I initially heard was
just a teenager with a high-pitched voice. They were barbequing a little while
ago. It’s hard to believe they’re in for the night on a Saturday night but
maybe they are. It’s not late, but it’s not early either. 

With the way Darren is sometimes gone without Carrie for 9
hours at a time, I wonder if perhaps he’s working somewhere in the state at
least part-time. He strikes me as a construction kind of guy. 

Tom thought he would hear something today because there was
a scavenger hunt going on, but it was quiet. Someone was calling for their lost
pet yesterday and he thought it could be Toni’s cat. 

No, they weren’t in for the night. They both left at 7 for
an hour.   

Because we pay for it and there is so much space - a
terabyte to be exact - we decided to sync my pics to OneDrive. After I get used
to it, and if there are no problems, I’ll sync my docs as well. 

Tom had a full panel of labs done and everything came back
OK except that he’s pre-diabetic. He’s been that way for a few years now. He’s
been more active, but like me, he’s not willing to make dietary changes. We’re
more active, but we don’t want to give up treats forever, and I certainly don’t
want to half-starve myself to get to a healthier weight. 

According to Margaret, Dixie has been moved to a care
facility for “unruly” patients that are constantly under lockdown. She also has
seven figures in her account and said something about her leaving her money to
a couple she was friends with for years that would take Diane in sometimes for
a few days at a time. I remember them and that the friendship ended in one of
my last visits with Dixie. She said they were saying bad things about Diane or
something like that. Who knows? Dixie was/is so far out of her mind now that
you can’t understand or trust anything she says.  

I don’t know enough about the daughter who supposedly
married a wealthy man, but I feel bad for the son. I don’t know him either, but
I know I would be pissed if my mother was leaving millions to her friends and
not me. That’s got to hurt a lot worse than my parents leaving more to her
bratty grandkids.  

I can totally see Dixie as being unruly too, and I
doubt she’ll ever be going back home. It’s sad, but not surprising. Old or not,
Dixie did bring on a lot of her own problems with her stubbornness, selfishness,
and stupidity. 

This shit with Russia is a reminder that some people make
their own haters, and it isn’t always that people are racist or hateful or
anything like that. What’s scary is that it’s not just Putin (he has such ugly
Mona Lisa eyes) that is ordering this shit against Ukraine, but the thousands
and thousands of troops that are going along with his orders. How do you just
blow up and shoot innocent people like that and sleep at night?  

I know humanity – or most of it - will end because of a
nuclear war. I just don’t think it will happen while I’m still alive. However,
now I’m not so sure it will be the T-heads or North Korea to start it. Maybe it
will be Russia instead. They obviously don’t give a shit about the sanctions
being put on them by various countries, otherwise they wouldn’t be doing this.
I just don’t get it though. How much fucking space do you need when you’re
already the biggest country in the world space-wise? And is what they’re doing
going to encourage them to take over and invade other countries as well? 

I’ve been working on this entry on and off for hours. I
think it’s time to finish and post it. First, I was hearing the thumping of
bass earlier and it went on for more than just a minute. It wasn’t across the
street, though, but so much for not hearing that shit here. Doubt it was in the
park. I sure hope not anyway. More than likely it was a very loud car stereo
outside the park. The things people do for attention! 

We still play miniature golf on and off, sometimes by
ourselves and sometimes with each other. It’s not only fun playing, but it’s
also fun flying around the course and collecting lost balls even if most of
them are dull looking.  

Unruly patients

Since when Daksh started playing Chess. I also started playing, and I got so addicted to it that I play 20-40 games a day. That too, after so much control. These are live games, and take lot of time.

My ranking got all time high in 5 minutes Blitz.

Chess Ranking Update for 5 minute Blitz Rounds - My Addiction

 I got the art print that I won but didn’t win. The one where
I got a winning notification congratulating me just to open it and find it was
someone else that actually won the print that I complained about. It’s a lovely
panoramic view of Adobe-style homes. It looks like either Arizona or Southern
California. The only thing I don’t like about it is how orange the sky looks.
What is it with artists painting orangey skies and photographers making their
skies orangey, too? That’s just not natural. Especially when it’s a solid, even
color. I like everything else about it. The woman that painted it is definitely
talented, and I sent her a picture of it on my office wall. I taped it to the
wall. Oh, the artist just told me it was in Palm Springs. 

The project junkies across the street got rocks delivered
today. The bad news is that they didn’t get a pile dumped in the street for
them to spread out. They got them in large metal containers and it’s no doubt
going to make quite a racket when they dump batches into their wheelbarrow.
Then the truck has to return to pick up the containers. Ted said they were home
most of the morning, but since I got up at 11:30, the truck hasn’t been there.
Carly is, though, because she waved and said hello to me when we were on our
way out. 

The question is why are they doing this? Do they really care
about appearance? Is it just to have something to do? Or did the park get on
them about that area being so patchy? I still can’t believe they’re doing it to
sell the place although that would make me as happy as it would make me
worried. 

It’s too late in the day now for them to work, but I just
caught a glimpse of the white SUV pulling out that visits often. Looks like she
might have been in the passenger seat. I heard one bark from the big dog and a
few from what I’m guessing is the smaller one unless it was someone else’s dog
I was hearing. This was before I saw the SUV, though. 

I got to try another Chinese place earlier. I got $18 worth
of beef fried rice, beef and mushrooms, and fried wontons. It’ll last two or
three days. This place is better than the last place. 

We also stopped at CVS as well. I like how they’re selling
individual pieces of candy if you don’t want a whole candy bar. 

Tim has to go to the lab early tomorrow morning. He’s having
a full panel done.

2/23

Today, I got news that one more guy is leaving Adobe. Adhunik Gupta.

He was one of the guy with whom I'm impressed the most. When I first met him, he was almost 1 year experience. But, the way he talked, the way he solved problems, the way he explained something was something to learn from him. 

Over the years, he proved himself as one of the most reliable and most important team member. He is also one of stylish person. I liked the way he talks.

He is joining Google-london. Which suits his skill set and style. Anything lesser than Google will not suit him. I wish him all the best in life.

Adhunik Resigned - Google London

This year 2022, we have to get her admission finally to a school. As, she is turning 4 this year, and this is high time. Daksh is also studying in the same school.

The disadvantage in her case was that she has never went to some play-school. Due to Covid times, the schools were closed for full 2 years. We recently get her admitted to an online play-school footprints. Thanks to her mother, brother and youtube. She knew many things. She speaks english well. Sometimes, I even surprised how well she composed her sentences.

Let me tell you the story of her admission:

Bhavika is very very shy kid. Recently, I visited my maternal home. We stayed there for 5 days. But, she did not speak a single word to my brothers/bhabhi etc. Even, we did not get a chance to hear her clear voice. She spoke so slow there. Due to covid times as well, she never visited any physical school or any neighbours or parks. So, she has negligible social presence.

We filled her admission form online, and she got a call almost immediately for an interaction.

It was a google meet call. Where teacher asked so many things like drawing, name of animals, etc and etc. She responded so well. Maa'm gave a clean chit.

Second Interaction with the Principal Maam

So, first interaction was not enough. We had a second call and this time we parents, also had to sit with her. It was a call on mobile. Bhavika was excited. But, when the time came for her to speak. She did not speak a single word. The problem was that the principal madam was not speaking well according to kids. And, Bhavika got scared. I was so pissed-off with Bhavika that she did not speak anything. I tried to cover up for her. But her principal maam, said that there will be another round of interaction in school.

We were kind of angry to school that how many rounds you want from a 3 year old kid!

So, I took 2 hours off from office and we went to school. This time, we we made a plan. We took Daksh with us. And, I asked Daksh to let her engage in some activity and make her speak. We tried some combinations of tricks that Bhavika loves. 

Anyway, we reached school. There was rush of parents. Our turn came up fast. We all went in a room with a senior madam. She was very sweet, and the way she interacted with her was so cool. But, Bhavika was shy as usual. But, this time she was replying her. She learned some rhymes. But she did not sing that after so many requests. She interacted with Daksh as well. As he is from the same school. So, it was an advantage with us. She opened up an animal book, and asked names of many animals. Bhavika responded pretty well. She answered with the names which I was not even aware of, like Star-Fish, Crab :)

Anyway, she gave us a hint that its all ok. Her coordinator maam, Ritu told us to go back as principal madam was having a meeting. And, she straight away gave us the amount that we need to deposit if principal maam agrees. She said, 99.99% is done, but wait for principal maam.

We were sured of the admission. We had a Pizza Party that night. Daksh enjoyed it.

I got a call today (22 Feb 2022) that her admission is confirmed, and deposit the fee. She gave us a discount of 20% in the admission fee. 10% for sibling and 10% as girl child.

We had to deposit total of 119,500 Rs which includes one quarter fee. Its pretty expensive. I hate this about Noida.

But, I was very happy. Bhavika cleared her life's first exam. And, she joined the club of students.

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Bhavika finally got admission to Gyanshree School - Not an easy one!

 What a rude, inconsiderate little bastard across the street.
I loved yesterday and the day before because he was gone all day. They leave
the lanai windows open for the dogs, which miraculously don’t bark at
everything they see going by. They did squeal with delight, though, when they
returned because they were out for so long. They let them run around loose too,
but do stay confined to his property. Well, his and next door’s. He’s on the
corner. 

So after he washed and waxed both the car and the motorcycle,
he ran the motorcycle for about 20 seconds, maneuvering it up the driveway and
into place. Like he really couldn’t walk the damn thing into place? Tom says he
was checking the charger. Unfortunately, it’s not covered yet and I doubt it’s
because it’s still wet but more like that he plans to use it more often. Fucker
looks like a biker too. Stocky build, tats up the arms, etc. 

Anyway, I napped for a bit before this started because I again
woke up hot flashing two or three times in my sleep. 

No energy for going out for a walk today. We went out
yesterday morning and it was a very misty but pleasant walk. If I didn’t know
any better, I would think it just rained because there was so much dew all over
the place. 

I’m 4% through my trip and heading for the Nevada border. If
I can get the energy for at least that much, I’ll make it today. 

G called in my refill and also said that my hormones
could be at play, but it’s hard to say if they’re entirely to blame or not. Not
surprisingly, they asked if I tried a therapist and I told them I tried that, a
shrink, and psych meds to no avail. I swear something doesn’t want me treating
the things that I get for the most part. Can’t treat the anxiety, can’t fully
treat my thyroid, can’t treat my cholesterol. I’m still guessing the bulk of my
problem is on the medication, which really sucks because my need for it isn’t
going to change nearly as much as my hormones may. I think I’ll always have to
be hypo and adjust my waiting time. At least I haven’t been skipping though!  

Rude

 I'm a bit tired today and it's definitely more due to how I
slept than anything else. I kept waking up hot flashing. I definitely slept
better with the temperature under the 70s. I just don't want to drop the
temperature anymore and really jack up the electric bill. 

Very disappointing TSH results at 13. So I only dropped by
one point. The number 13 kept popping into mind before I got the results, but I
rejected it quickly. I just hated to think I could only be down one point. I
still didn't feel the greatest yesterday either. If only I could quit the med
for a year! That would definitely tell me one way or another if the medication
was involved. Eventually, I'll address the anxiety with my doc. I picked up my
lab results on the site. I haven't heard from them yet. I want to see what
my doc has to say first. Today and yesterday I decreased my waiting time to
1/2 hour. So we'll see if that and being back on days helps. 

Doc just acknowledged that I have anxiety on this
medication, so they wanted to know if I would be willing to increase my dose to
two 88s a week rather than jump to every day and if I needed refills. I told
them I needed refills on the 75s and that even though there has been an
increase in anxiety since adding one 88, I’ll be willing to give it a try and
hope for the best. I asked if I could still be affected by my hormones, even
though it’s been two years without a bleed as it's a coincidence that my
struggles with anxiety didn’t begin until after the medication. I still highly
doubt I’ll ever be able to stand to get my numbers normal. 

The 9 that I saw in my dream was in the lab results. It was
just in the wrong test. My T4 is 1.29. 

Chatted with Chris for a while. It was a nice chat. 

Downloaded a meditation app, but I'm sure it won't do me
much good. Again, I'm not stressed out because of things going on in my life. It’s
something going on in my body. Although, I will admit I felt calmer after
getting the results, as disappointing as they were. 

We went out yesterday looking for the waterbed place but
started to turn around when we saw it. At least now we know where it is. At
some point, I may get a waterbed because I think it may help me sleep better.
Then I also won't have to deal with sagging, lumpy mattresses and change them
every few years. I'm thinking that if I keep the heater turned off or down
really low. It will keep me from overheating in my sleep. 

We stopped at Burger King on the way back. 

Jessie should get her stuff in a day or two. Hopefully, she
won't wait on letting me know that she got it and if anything broke. I hope
nothing breaks and I hope she'll be kind enough to let me know if it does
because that's how I know if I can ship like this in the future.  

Not sure if she's reporting 100% of what she hears, though.
She told me she didn't hear any boom car stereos on the way to and from Tampa
and right away I knew that wasn't possible. We heard three or four of them just
seven or eight miles out. That and the loud engines from some motorcycles and
muscle vehicles were pretty obnoxious and noticeable. Tom says maybe she just
doesn't notice them because she's not bothered by these sounds. But how can you
not notice something so obvious? I notice subtle sounds that don't bother me
like chirping birds. I get that I'm more observant than most, but still. She's
either deaf or playing things down. I don't see why she would play things down
intentionally, though. Either way, I would be willing to bet she's hearing the
same things we hear. 

They're back to being out a lot across the street, which I
like because then that's less time to worry about the motorcycle. I expected it
to be taken out yesterday since it was taken out two days in a row, but it
wasn't. For a while, they seem to swap with next door. Next door was going out
more often while they were staying home more often. Next door doesn't matter,
but hopefully across the street will be out more often, like yesterday. 

I passed the 100-mile marker into my trip! I should make it
to the Nevada border today. Based on my calculations, if I continue to do 4% a
week I should complete the trip in early August. Right now I'm just south of
Lake Tahoe. I'm going by Caples Lake. I passed a place called Tragedy Springs
earlier and I looked it up to see why it was called that, figuring some people
drowned there. Instead, I learned that some campers were murdered in the 40s.  

100 Miles

Today was voting day in Noida. And, we went for casting our vote. To my surprise, my wife agreed to give vote to the party which I wanted.

She had to goto mall for some shopping. She dropped me at our society gate and went away. Few minutes after, I got a call from her. She was angry, the car key was with me :)

I tried my mind, and said perhaps it works from mobile phone. But, lets not take the risks. As, we never tried this trick. I asked her to come back. She also did not turned-off the engine. Cool mind she has :)

I forgot the Car Key in my Pocket

 Andy turned 60 yesterday. Andy, who wants to be called Mark.
He said it took his family a while to get used to the idea of it and it will
definitely take me a while too. I’ll call him that directly, but will refer to
him as Andy in my journal and when discussing him with Tom. 

I’m not sure who the hell it was, but I was hearing some kind
of power tool for a few days. It wasn’t a circular saw. If anything, it
reminded me of an electric drill. I first thought it was across the street
because of the way he moved his golf cart back into his driveway. Then for a
split second yesterday, I saw him with a blower. Maybe it was coming from
behind him. I saw an old guy stop at his place the other day. They chatted for
about 20 seconds and at one point the guy gestured behind his place. It wasn’t
nearly as maddening as when Bob and the guy that moved in across from him would
be at times. I could drown it out with the air cleaner on low, but couldn’t drown
out anything at the old place on high. 

While I was unwinding with my audiobook at 3:30 yesterday,
out went the motorcycle for an hour. I could hear it, but I could also
definitely see how I could sleep through it with the underwater sounds playing.
All I had on at the time were the air cleaner and fan. 

I saw him put the golf cart and back again as well. This was
while watching on the camera. 

Interestingly enough, as soon as I asked Jessie to text me
her address and she agreed to do so, so I could send her the gifts, I didn’t
hear from her for a couple of days. Tom suggested that maybe asking for the
address freaked her out, but I didn’t see why it would after all these years.
Instead, I figured she was busy even though she did check in on Facebook on and
off over the last couple of days.  

She just told me a little while ago that they got their
moving pod and have been busy unpacking and she’s working as well. It is a
weird coincidence, though, that does make me wonder. She had time to check in
on Facebook but not to text me her address? She said she’s not freaked out at
all and I would hope and I would think that she would say so if she didn’t want
to divulge it. Even though I shouldn’t let it get to me, I get tired of waiting
on people that claim they’re busy. We’re all busy. I’ve never been
busier. I can’t remember the last time I looked at the clock and realized I had
four or five hours left of my day to figure out what to do with. 

The AC guy came out yesterday, and all hopes of getting an
AC for 4K have been dashed with the ongoing inflation crisis. They did, however,
offer to sell the same AC for 6K that the first guy wanted to sell for 9K.
Still, that’s a lot of money we owe. He was kind enough to throw in a new grill
for us and also add smart features. It’ll be done by next Monday. 

I guess I misunderstood Tom when I said he’d given up on the
rest of the projects. He said he just doesn’t want anymore. Unless an emergency
comes up, I can’t imagine what more there is other than what we’ve already
talked about. They left some Round-Up here so he went out and used it up on the
weeds that were growing by the house. 

Today’s lab day. I’m just a little tired because I forced
myself to get up a little earlier, not wanting to sleep too late in case they
can’t get the AC in before Monday. It takes the better part of the day to do
it, so they’re going to be out at around 10:00. 

For once I had some unusual and interesting dreams, even if
they were still negative. It started off with me thinking of Andy traveling
alone and thinking how boring it would be if I was traveling alone. 

Then Tom and I were staying at a hotel. When I got up in the
morning, the coffee machine exploded. As I was cleaning up the mess, I realized
my medication was sitting there and I thought to myself, didn’t I already
take my med this morning? I was afraid to take it in case I was double
dosing, but then I was afraid not to because I didn’t want to mess up my lab
results. I opted not to and we left the hotel, which was a brief and quiet
stay. I don’t know where we were or where we were going. 

Then Tom and I were sitting in what looked like the center
of a mall. We weren’t sitting right next to each other although we could see
each other. 

I noticed a young girl who had been a part of a group of
girls that were wearing matching dresses and quickly singing something. One was
heavily pregnant. The girl who was in her 20s or 30s kept looking at me.
Finally, she approached me and told me how pretty I was and how she wanted to
get a picture of me. I thought it was odd that anyone would find me attractive
at this age but consented to having my picture taken. 

“I would have worn makeup had I known you were going to take
my picture,” I said. 

She said that was no problem and then another woman who was
a little older was smoothing back my hair to one side. A split second later I
was nodding to Tom as I was heading out of the mall with the women and sitting
between them in a car heading towards a place I assumed they were going to take
my picture in. But then I started getting suspicious about their vagueness and
what their true intentions were. I began to fear they were taking me to a strip
club. I told them I was open-minded and I had been a stripper way back when and
was bisexual and all that but had only agreed to have my picture taken and didn’t
want to be gone long. They said something about 15 minutes to three hours. I
didn’t have my phone with me, so I asked to use theirs so I could let Tom know
where I was. Although the woman did hold out her phone to me, I suddenly
realized I couldn’t remember Tom’s number. So the dream ended with me never
knowing for sure where I was going or with any way to reach Tom.  

Dreams and Such

If all goes well, Florida will feel like Florida starting tomorrow. So, 6 weeks of winter. It’s better than 6 months, but I was really hoping for 6 days. 

Speaking of 6, it seems the good doc only sleeps about 6 hours a night. She seems to go offline around midnight and get up at 6. I wonder if I’m the only former or current patients she’s got on her list. I asked Jessie and Andy’s opinion on the matter and whether or not they would be surprised if a former doctor accepted their friend request and Jessie said maybe she’s just friendly to everyone and only keeps in touch with those she’s close to. That’s what I’m thinking. 

Andy’s response was a little surprising. He said his current doc gave him her cell phone number and said to call anytime he wants to chat or has questions. He doesn’t contact her very often because he doesn’t want to bug her knowing how busy she is. But back when he was losing weight and was all excited about it, he called her for advice. 

Yesterday I didn’t have any anxiety and today I feel slightly borderline. We’re going to the store later, so I’m sure that will help. 

I finally finished Jessie’s diamond painting! It felt like it took me forever. Later on, we’ll spray it with the sealer outside on the grass. I asked for her address and she said she would text it to me. So yeah, she’s definitely afraid to do much on Facebook. I don’t know if it’s because she had a bad experience with it or something else, but she’s definitely paranoid about what she shares. She never appears to post anything and I’m guessing she has me excluded from being able to see her posts. That might kind of sting a bit depending on what it is and how often. I do understand wanting to stick to sharing with family and all that but I just would think good friends would be included. I can’t help but wonder out of curiosity what she posts, how often, and who sees it. I do remember a long time ago she mentioned something about being hesitant to post things for future employers to see. I understand her on that much because unfortunately, you can be fired for what you do outside of work. 

If you say “Hey Facebook” on the Oculus it does things for you like shut down the device, take pictures, and record videos. I recorded a quick clip of me boxing and also riding my board. I’ve taken snapshots as well for a photo album I created for my VZfit trips. 

I’m still in NorCal and 2% through the trip in a place called Sutter Creek. It’s going to be a while before I get out of Cali. 

I’m a little frustrated with Tom because he doesn’t seem to want to finish the rest of the home projects. He was supposed to make the living room shades smart, replace a couple of old blinds, and a few other things as well. At least the AC guy will be here tomorrow. The day after that is lab day. Who knows when he’ll get the guy out to look at the roof? I’ve pretty much given up hope of fixing up the lanai to use as an extra room. He really seems determined to keep that as a storeroom of sorts. 

Hey Facebook

 My weight definitely wants to go up. I’ve been seeing 163
more often at the end of my day, and I know how it works. Once I see a new high,
I’ll be seeing it more and more often until it becomes a regular thing, and
then eventually a thing of the past as I continue on up the scale.  

We went bike riding again. The weather was gorgeous and
breezy. However, I was a bit lightheaded today for a while. Not quite as much
energy as yesterday but more than I thought I would have. 

He and I got to talking about how hypo I’ve been and the
waiting time between taking my meds and having my coffee. He says he swore
Doc O told me to wait an hour. So I did a basic Google search and one hour
is recommended more than a half-hour. Also, caffeine can interfere with the
absorption of the medication so I decided I would start waiting an hour. I’m
also going to make sure I don’t take my magnesium until four hours after taking
it. Doc A told me not to take vitamin C or calcium before 4 hours, but iron
and magnesium also came up on the list of things to wait on. 

I don’t think I can ever get back into the single digits on
this dose, even with waiting. I think my thyroid really has died off some more.
But I may have been adding to my problems without realizing it. I just hope the
magnesium can keep working its magic whenever I do manage to get my TSH lower
and keep the anxiety away. So I’m gonna drop the plan to take 88s and try
waiting an hour on just the 75s for starters. Tomorrow he’ll be able to make
some calls and start getting some answers as to when I can see who and where
and how. I’m thinking an Endo will want to start off seeing me in person, but I
don’t know for sure. 

We’ve been getting some apps, but they haven’t been all that
impressive. He got a car racing app that sucks. I got a language practice app
that is kind of confusing. Plus I got a Cirque du Soleil app that has about a
half dozen acts. I’ve always loved them, but this isn’t very impressive for
Cirque du Soleil. It’s just OK. 

For what was at least the third time since we’ve been here,
an ambulance showed up at the house next to Toni’s. Because there were two cop
cars and other vehicles, including golf carts in the area, we thought maybe
someone died. I stepped out at one point and asked the officers if everything
was OK and they said it was all good. Did “all good” mean that it was all good in
that there was nothing dangerous going on in the hood or that it was all good
because no one died? 

I couldn’t help but notice how young the cops looked, which
is a reminder that I’m getting up there in age. LOL, I swear they looked more
like boys than men. The type one could picture at a party getting drunk and
acting all immature and silly.  

Increasing my waiting time

My name is .... actually my name is not important. I can be anyone.  Your sister, your brother, your son or daughter. I can be your friend, your co-worker. I can be your boss or your employee or even someone you see on the street or your teacher or your student.

It's really not important. What is important is that for a little over 2 years I'm battling with depression, anxiety disorders and B.E.D which is an eating disorder.

The reason I want to share my story is because I'm still trying to understand how I got here. Up until the time my world fell apart I thought that I was in control of everything.  To be honest I had some panic attacks but I didn't think any of it and I was trying to control the short of breathing the heart pumping hard. Actually I didn't even know that those were panic attacks!

But what really drove me to start writing is that video .

The first time I saw that video I thought " awo it's a pity that people with depression go through that but it can't be that bad....I mean it's a dog, and dogs are good, companion, Right?"