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Only surrender my raw emotions to God - Healing begins

HiIt's 19th September. Life has been changed so much, but I never knew this much. My CPU has been stuck for the last 17 days, and I have felt so, so, so helpless. I have millions of questions in my mind. I am not even asking anyone because I know no one can really answer it. Or maybe I don't want an answer.&nbsp;Why?&nbsp;Why do I fall in love too soon? As soon as someone understands a bit of me, I feel emotional attraction towards them. I do everything for that person, but on the other hand, they don't really know what I am feeling for them. Why is it always like they are in friendship and I am in love? I don't want this; I don't want to fall; I don't want my life forever as a giver of everything. Just for once, I also want to become a poem rather than a poet, but I know I can't. All I am asking in this life from everyone is that they “be who they are around me,” and still I don't know. Why people can't be who they are around me? I know I am not loved, but don't worry, pretty soul; I never want you to feel this. I feel so strange and worthless when people act different around me. Like, am I that wrong or unsafe a person?Finally, after 20 years of my life, I have accepted and believed that I can never be truly loved by anyone. Everyone is here to heal themselves; no one is going to be willing to do everything for me.&nbsp;I give up on love. I give up on finding love because that doesn't really exist for me. I was here, am here, and will be here just to heal, listen, and support but never to feel loved. Maybe I am here to fight, to earn, to be famous, or to create.&nbsp;If you are reading this, I hope you never feel this way and soon find your person. I wish God would heal you from everything that you are even afraid to tell anyone.- Devangi

Forever unloved

i can't help but wonder what others see when they look at me. do they see someone confidant or scared? happy or sad? crumbling or strong? both or neither or all at once? is my fear noticable? are my worries and stress written on my face? can they see how much i crave the social contact but shy away from it at the same time? do they pity me?&nbsp;&nbsp;i don't want something to grow from pity. i want a real connection but i fear that their fondness toward me is like a wet cat or a stray dog, not a genuine human connection.

june 3rd, 2025

Today, I got this table from my landlord. Earlier, he gave me his chair too.&nbsp;I've been craving for a bigger table for my laptop, where i can stretch my both hands. But, I had a very small table with me. Whose depth was very small, just enough to cover laptop.&nbsp;I've been saving money on smaller things. I earned a lot, but struggling for these basic things.&nbsp;

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Got  bigger table | Happiness in small items | Hardship

i want to try journaling again; i haven't written a diary since i was a kid.my life is like walking through a dense forest lately. every time i walk around a tree, everything looks the same but different. everything is new and scary and exciting and good and bad, all at the same time.i want to write fanfics. i want to write journal entries. i want to learn how to write essays for a ged i'll probably fail. i want to eat. i want to sleep. i want to read books and manga and light novels. i want to kiss some guy i've only seen through a youtube video, but not in a romantic way, just in an appreciation because he's talented way. like how people kissed the hands of kings of old.i want i want i want i wanti crave companionship and money and things most normal people want. i just don't know how to get those things yet.

april 23rd, 2025

It's the 1st of February. Yesterday I decided that from tomorrow I will start writing on this website and publish it online. Some days will be great, some will be sad, some will be anxious, some will be full of lessons, some will just be a letter to my past to future self, while some will be the comfort for a stranger.&nbsp;&nbsp;I write because I love it. Writing is something that I never want to stop. I hope my writing will help someone someday. I always want to understand people, how they are feeling, what is bothering them, and the things they can't express to anyone and question themselves; I don't want that.&nbsp;Because they don't deserve that. Don't worry; you will be fine, and I will post an article on this website every day :)&nbsp;

Commit to Myself 

Yesterday was my birthday. I'm 41 now.Im feeling as if I'm starting my life exactly 17 years ago. Searching for work, living a bachelor life, struggling for daily chores.&nbsp;

Im 41

I've been ahead of myself lately. I'm not always the best at things or picking the right words at the right moments and It feels like there's always an empty space and when that empty space is gone life shifts and feels better but eventually the room becomes empty again. Actually i'm use to the room being empty its been empty most my life in fact its been so empty i forgot what it felt like to not be the only one in the room anymore. Well anyways I encourage strength be strong focus make the best out of life.

Only surrender my raw emotions to God - Healing begins

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