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Only surrender my raw emotions to God - Healing begins

Is it okay to tell you that I miss our deep conversations, even if you're no longer mine? What we had was not only romantic relationship, but we created an amazing friendship together. All the emotions that we shared, the laughters and the tears. We supported each other in our lowest point in life. I miss how we talk about everything tirelessly that we couldn't notice the time. It always amazed me how you could listen to all my rants about things around us and still gave a calm and beautiful advise and opinion. I miss everything about you. I can still remember exactly the details of you. Your eyes when you smile, your eyebrows when you're mad, the way you laugh, the way you sway your arms. I remember everything. We could talk about almost everything you know, from stars to religion to political and even all the nonsense. You used to tell your feelings to me when you're sad. I was your comforter and you're mine. But sadly all these things ended, and right now it's my arms you're leaning on. It's not my heart you're sharing with you thoughts and feelings. It ended, and it made me sad.&nbsp;

Miss you

I am 27, but I feel like I'm looking older.I am supposed to go to the office today. I already put on my makeup (just a little bit cos I just started to do makeup in this past few days), dressed up, then lied to call in sick because I didn't feel like going out at the last moment. So I stayed in my apartment, put on more makeup to my eyes and wore the reddest lipstick. I decided to take my phone to take a picture of what I've done to my face, excited to see if the makeup makes me prettier, but just got disappointed cos I looked old. It was a little bit because of the makeup and the stressed eye in the camera. Disappointed. I turned off my camera. Worked from home for a while. Went to my partner's room for a hug and a rant. “I am getting old”, “I don't wanna get old”, “I'm scared, my skin is gonna get saggy”, these were the rants I made. He told me that it's okay, you are still pretty. Kind words, but I still felt sad. Went back to my room to work. Watched the remaining scenes of 2521 kdrama. Made me even feel sadder cos it's about getting older and changing. So I decided to write my own diary just to write whatever, whenever, however.&nbsp;I still feel old.&nbsp;

I feel older today... again

Either you don't invite people to your functions, or if you are inviting people, then invite them well.

I have encountered many situations where its kind of problematic situation whether to go or not. The other person has not invited well.

So, the person is Raman, a distant relative. I don't even has his mobile number in my phone. There is a marriage function of his son. He invited my brother well, who lives in other city. Now, he is coming in Noida, and asked if he invited you. 

That person sent me a whatsapp message, which contains only a pdf. No Hi/hello, No other message. The person has not even his profile photo in whatsapp. I generally ignored these kind of messages. And, I ignored it.

My brother asked, whether you got the card. I said no. I checked, that. invitation was his. I also did not even reply, as if I would reply he might put a message to come. 

But, this is very bad practice of inviting people like this.

A well invited invitation means, at least you call the invitee, and asked him/her to come. What do you mean by a whatsapp message. You are completing your duty, so that when someone asked you did not invite, you will say I have invited. WTF.

I got a call few days back in evening. It was not hearable at all. I could recognise him, and said Namastay. I said repeatedly, your voice is not coming. He simply cut the call, and did not call. I waited for his call.

OK, next morning, I called him back at around 11. He said, bete ki saai hai. I said, Many congrats. And, he again cut the call.

He never said a single time, that you are invited or you have to come. How can someone go like this. 

An Uninvited Invitation

Although, this is my hobby project, and I'm thinking of going ahead in this.

Today, I bought another name: lifeinreel.com

I have some ideas in this space. Lets see.

Lifeintext Next - Life in Pics/Videos

When I see most people around me I feel that they are much better than me. I am not being self deprecating here. I have started an online diary hoping that it would give me a reprieve from reality and I don't care how sick this sounds anymore.

Its funny how you care about others, want to show them that you care but since you suck at that its no use and they believe that you feel nothing. devoid. no care not an inkling of consideration for them.

I wish I could change myself. Really I wouldn't mind it at all! But life's the way it is. I have so many things to do. A truckload of things really. But sometimes its tough to go on. I can't stop myself from quitting though. Its probably because of my need for perfection. I am not bragging or anything like that. Its just that I always have this pressure to be the good girl, good daughter and I fail in all those things. So the only thing left is good grades.

13 Jan 2023- Stifled

I need help. I need affirmations from my parents, godparents and my close friends. I just need tender loving care. I am thankful for great O level successes yesterday. But I am experiencing extreme fatigue. God, help.

Prayers: Dear Heavenly Father, be with me. In the most precious name of Jesus Christ I pray

I need help

I was drawn to the korean drama starred by Sung Hye Kyo. She took 20 years to exact revenge on the people who bullied her. This is secular way of handling people who hurt. The counterintuitive Christian way of handling such matter is release, let go and let God handle. To be honest, I am a human being. I also want every single who, especially the secondary school teacher, the scammer and syndicate to be tormented, tortured, go to hell for eternity. But having said that, I have spoken the human , carnal and fleshy thought. That is definitely not what God wants. Why should my quality of life be destroyed due to these people for 24 years! 24 years of my life gone. These are the 2 major events that totally destroyed me, rip my heart, smashed into smithereens. I became so disgruntled and bitter about life , depression and suicidal soon followed. That is why I like the drama, it showcased the deepest thoughts that I have towards those who have hurt me and I can do something about it. 

Having said that, I want to move on in life. I dont want unforgiveness to chain me. I dont have anger, bitterness and resentment to hold me down any longer. God, where are you? 

Prayers: Dear Heavenly Father, help me. I surrender all these carnal, fleshy thoughts about those people who hurt me into Your hands. Rewire my mind through Your words, heal my smithereen heart with Your love. I choose to forgive them for You have forgiven me with Your grace and mercy. I want to let go anger, bitterness, resentment, hatred, guilt and shame. Be with me today, especially in tender moments of loneliness, pain and guilt. In the most precious name of Jesus Christ I pray 

Only surrender my raw emotions to God - Healing begins

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