Self defeating thought crept in and it must be dealt immediately

anonymous
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The devil knows when it is the opportune time to strike. When I feel lonely, tired and empty. When I feel restless and bored. Past memories surfaced. My innocence was taken away by a relief teacher. Step by step, he gained my trust, destroyed my self esteem and emotionally blackmail to gain control of me emotionally and physically. I didnt know that whatever he did was absolutely wrong. 

I had no moral compass as my childhood was in total abandonment and neglect mode. My mom suffered severe depression, constant bickering and fights permeated the entire house. My dad was the culprit. He was rich and had multiple affairs , including the helper. It was a horrible childhood where my mom took it out on me and destroyed my shred of self esteem. Yet at the same time, she was the one constantly fed me. Reminicising it brought me immense pain and anger. This needs to be dealt with as well. Now I know, this is known as CPTSD. I need God to walk through the memory lane and cover in prayers. 

That was the entry point where the devil gain access and sucidial thoughts entered in. I felt life is really meaningless. My mom hates me for I look exactly like her. I felt like a discarded toy. I was struggling so badly and different personalities arise. My grandma shared that I was preconceived out of wedlock. That explains why their marriage was on rocks. I was shell shocked. Asian cultures back then were conservative. I have paid 25 years of my life, struggling singlehood and felt marriage was elusive. I questioned that does it pay to follow God? Should I have chosen a prebeliever and marry for the sake of marrying?

I paused. Pain hits me as I tries to sort out my thoughts. My mind starts to fog and I stared blankly at the window. The devil whispered and planted such devious thoughts : " My life is over. I have nothing left. Innocence gone. Life savings gone. Emotions gone. 3 men have robbed at different stages of my life robbed me completely. This is victim mentality. " These are the devil's thoughts, not mine. 

Prayers: Dear Heavenly Father, help me. I know You are listening to my prayers now. Eradicate all these self defeating and victimised mentality. I draw the blood of Jesus in my life. No more victim mentality. No more "poor me" mentality. God, may You send forth Holy Spirit to minister to me , walk me through the memory lane, show me that You are there in every stage of my life. Teach me how to pray at every stage, rebuild my self esteem through Your words. Help me, God. Flood my mind with Your love, grace and mercy and I bind the sucidial thoughts in my mind right now and cast it to You, silence the devil, O God. In the most precious name of Jesus Christ I pray.

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anonymous