Turning my page of regret to a new page of release and moving on

Privacy: anonymous

I regret that I contacted him on New Year's day. I lost sleep that very night. I had a rollercoaster of emotions today as well. I wrote an email in the morning to pray for him and wished him all the best. I specifically stated, friend. I dont want to be his sister anymore. I started to miss contacting him. I started to miss sharing my little daily grind to him. I miss him so so much. But this is known as sticky. Men needed personal space. I hate the way I feel. It is like I position myself in the shorter end of the stick. He also drew the line. I dont want to have anything to do with him anymore. Simply put, I was so hurt. I question myself, why do I meet undesirable relationships? 

 I began ruminating what he has written. It sucks. I am so glad that I have deleted it. I dont want to hold on any evidence to prove anything. Perhaps he is just concerned as a friend. Perhaps. God, I am hurting so so badly. I tried to walk around the supermarket to forget about him and to distract myself after work. Numbness invaded me. Sorrow followed me like a shadow. I kept on telling myself , if I ever contacted him, I will be a dog. Haha. Why is love so elusive? Why do I envy people holding hands and walking on the street? How I long for that.. How I long for companion and company. When the lessons ended, loneliness and fatigue crept in.

Prayers: Dear Heavenly Father, I am so sorry. Help me. I want to surrender any possible feelings that I have towards him and pray for holy forgetfulness to forget him and move on in life. I need to heal and recover. I cannot afford any self inflicted wounds anymore. I still need to focus on recovering from CPTSD and 2 traumas. I cannot afford any hurts and new wounds. Stop him from contacting me anymore, close the door between me and him. I dont even want to be his friend anymore simply I dont know how to be a friend for him without developing any feelings. I dont want to feel so humbled , humiliated and embarrased anymore. Heal my heart, O Lord. I choose to bless him and I wish him all the best. Never let our paths crossed again, God. I dont want to go through this rollercoaster emotions. It is so painful and tormenting. I surrender and help me God, in the most precious name of Jesus Christ I pray


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