What do I do with this love I had for him?
I went through a breakup over a week ago now. Well, 10 days ago to be exact, because anyone who has been broken up with; who was still in love with the person - always remembers these things.
A three year relationship, of which we lived together for 2 years and a month before it happened - disapparated and gone just like that.
It would not have been such a shock and betrayal, if he would have just said that we weren't right for each other/he didn't love me enough to try/he thought I deserved better and that he couldn't be that for me. But no, he had to go and do the right thing according to him and be HONEST… He had to go and say that he had known this whole past year that he wanted to end things; he knew I was not the right person for him and vice versa; that if he told me before he thought I would “self-harm” and “not be able to take the breakup well”; that he pretended to go along with things to let me realize on my own so I would break up and not feel as bad; that he didn't see me as the mother of his child/children, even though he wants a loving family; that he avoided spending any time with me this past year which is why he was hardly around. That he would be so loving and give the next person, his future wife and children, everything and show up for them. That he will treat the next person so much better. That he would “still love me”, but he had fallen out of love with me a long time ago.
For me, it was such a bolt out of the blue, because just until a day ago he had looked me in the eye, kissed me on the lips and said he loved me. It was the fact that he had never brought up anything of this sort before. That he questioned our relationship because we never “went in deep”. Well, we probably could if he was around, if he would speak to me, if he wasn't hungover, or occupied/stressed from work all the time as he told me. And here I was being supportive, being there for him, not pushing him as I saw he was already down and feeling low. But to hear these words from the man I layed next to, whose eyes I looked into and believed every word he said - I now feel so stupid. I feel… punished for being hopeful, for believing he meant it when he said he wanted to be better for me, be the man I deserve - while I patiently waited, and would have until he was ready.
He had already moved on many many months back as he goes on to tell me of this new life he envisions with his new person - ready to go back into it. While I had noticed the changes in him, but never thought to end things truly because you try when you love someone. But I can see now that he never wanted to with me. And as far as being immature as he called me for reacting to everything he said, I don't think I will apologize for being in love and being hurt so much by the person I thought I would end up with; I cannot apologize for loving him and having it end this way; I cannot for having feelings that were true and real all this time.
I have tears streaming down my face as I go over his harsh words again, which he maintained he said to be honest with me. I am not as ready as him to jump back out there again, but I know now that I would not have truly been happy with him. That I need to work on the blind love and faith I put onto others, despite them constantly showing me their true selves.
I also realized I have a victim mindset, and I have to work on the fact that I let him walk all over me; I was the one who never called him out; I never set boundaries and let myself down to receive the breadcrumbs he gave me. I was the one who chose to find happiness when he would share himself with me, when all the other times I barely existed for him. I made him my top priority, when he I wasn't even one in his. I did all this because I thought “Love and patience wins above all". My unwavering belief in making things work, because breaking up or ending things is never even a consideration when you wholeheartedly love someone. It's sweet to think this way, but such a double edged sword in real life.
As I am going through the motions, trying to find a new place and have a fresh start, I want to heal my relationship and my self-worth. I want to find happiness in myself. I also don't want to forget about the last 3 years with him, like I said to my friends for there to be pill and I would gladly take it, because until this last year and the very end - it was not all bad. And also because, I stood true to myself, my feelings for him and the love I had for him - I can't forget the relationship just because he chose to see this version of me that made me so unlikable and unlovable for him. That's his distorted reality and probably helped him move on so quickly. But that does not make it my truth, or who I am. I am bits of it, but not all. I also will not let his trauma, his… image of me, alter my personality and what makes me tick. I hope whenever I go into a relationship next, I remember these lessons, and hope the other person also gives it their all and shares the same views of love as I do. I don't want the easy/similarities full of love he wants - I just want to love someone, and be able to be myself and have them understand & accept me, as I will wholeheartedly them. I hope he backs up his words. I hope he can see through my hyper-independence that I am just a girl who never had anyone to rely on, who wants someone to do things for her without having to ask, a girl who loves surprises and all the cheesy things that she has scoffed at because she knew deep down that's what she wants, but thought she does not deserve. I hope we fight and argue, but can still talk and get through to each other - or at least try to understand how to navigate it. I hope he fights for me.
It's like the little nugget my ex managed to slip in amongst all the horrible things he said:
“Imagine if you loved me this much, how much you will love the right person.” And because of the sum of all my experiences, appreciate the person and the world more.