What should I do when the wave of sorrow hits?
The wave of sorrow hits me out of nowhere. Numbness soon followed. I miss him. My buddy asked me why do I like him? He has nothing under his name. I didnt even see him physically. Not even once. It is all online. She couldnt understand. But I know what I have experienced. We share similar life experiences and spur each other on. It is so precious that we can share everything without being judged. I tell myself, he is not worth it. Not because he has no assets, but the attitude and thoughts behind his actions disappoint me tremendously. His words were like bullets piercing me whenever I ponder over it. There is no conclusive result over it. What can he do? What will he do? Nothing. Alhough my love language is words of affirmation, he indeed has filled my love tank full. But love is not sustainable without any actions.
Perhaps I have misunderstood his intentions. Perhaps. My buddy said the episodes that I share with her reminded me of her ex husband. She asked me, am I able to support him financially? Am I able to foot every single thing under tab? Her ex husband made her pay all of furniture, housing loan and literally everything and he simply shake his leg. He betrayed her and even had a son in the midst of painful separation and eventually divorce. She does not need to share with the details of her marriage but she knows I am one step closer and closer to become her no 2. She chose to share because she does not want me to follow her footsteps.
I cried over the phone just now. I am barely coming out of the traumas and now I have fell into a pit because of replying him in messages and talking over the phone. I long for his companionship and chat. But this is insufficient in the long run. I need a godly man who is financially stable. I dont need him to earn big bucks until he lost sight of God. But I need him to bring me for meals, even hawker food is good enough for me. When he said he can cook for me , as he is unemployed. My buddy asked me am I going to foot for the ingredients of the dish? I was silent. I lost it and cried bucket of tears. I just lost everything and all I want is someone who brings me out to beaches, parks, reservoirs and have a simple meal. I dont need bags, cosmetics or any luxury goods. All I want is the attitude and thoughts of a godly man, bringing me closer to God. I bawled as I shared with her. She knew how hard I was last year. I just want to be nicer to myself.
Prayers: Dear Heavenly Father, help me. I need sleep so badly I want days of continous sleep. I dont want to be plagued with love issues any more. Why is it so difficult to find a godly man who is financially stable and can connect with me? My heart hurts so much. God, heal my heart. I surrender that pain and him into Your hands. You take care of it. IN the most precious name of Jesus CHrist I pray