When the cracks of the past suddenly appear, raw emotions seeps through my heart

anonymous
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My head hurts, so does my heart. Why is there such a heart wrenching feeling that I am experiencing now? Soon, numbness invades gradually. Fatigue seems to be like waves crashing onto me as well. My mind begins to fog. God, help me.

Is it the childhood hurts and past that haunts me? Or the old and new traumas surfaced together as well? I want to to turn to my coping mechanism, food. Or should I turn to alcohol instead? I cannot cry. 

Every event seems to be like a thread weaving into the ball of memories. I wished I wasnt born. I question the existence of my being. Why? I didnt choose to be born into this world. It was my parents' selfish , lustful desires that brought my existence. I am a mistake, am I? Premarital sex lead to halfhearted marriage, lead to mutiple affairs, lead to endless quarrels, lead to neglience of my brother and I and suddenly I stop short to expand any more. Simply put, it is a hot mess, isnt so?

I tugged gently this first thread, my existence and eventually holding it tightly. Gingerly, I pass this thread to God. 

Prayers:

Dear God, help me. I release the messy feelings of bitterness, anger, disappointment to You. With regards to my birthright, my existence, my appearance in this world, I can choose to fix on You. Renew my mind and thoughts.with Your words.Romans 8:28 And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. 

You send forth angels to draw a hedge of protection over me when I was in my mom's womb. I almost died as she fainted forward and she managed grab hold of a street post. I am not a mistake. You have allowed me to born and to be created for a purpose. Help me to discard that feeling of worthlessness, shame and guilt. Fill me with Your love. Show me O Lord, the grand scheme of Yours in my life. Scalding hot tears began to swell in my eyes. Perhaps the worship instrumental song? Perhaps that first thread was handed over to God. Perhaps the surrender. Tears clouded my vision. 

The infant me teared. Perhaps I wanted affirmation. I dont want to feel abandoned. I dont want to feel neglect. Perhaps all of the above. Heal my infant heart, O Lord. I long for Your embrace and tell me that everything will be fine. Help me. Flood my heart with Your love. IN the most precious name of Jesus Christ I pray 

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