I dont want to live anymore.

I am done. 

I have broken a heart. I eat,sleep,masturbate, and repeat. And do nothing more. I am a disappointment for everyone. It's just that I have a good mind for academics and excel in it due to which my mom and dad are somewhat happy with me otherwise it was a lot better for them if i didn't exist. I am their firstborn. My mother has confessed that she wanted a girl because a girl could have done all the house chores for her just as she had to do for her mom. My father has confessed that as soon as i came into existence, my mother directed all the love towards me due to which slowly and steadily my parents started fighting a lot to the point that now they can divorce each other any time if a big fight occurs.

I broke the heart of my love. I loved her and still do. I love her a lot. But… it's my foolish behaviour which resulted in miscommunications and misunderstandings by my mom who eventually (for the safety of my future) thought that the girl isn't good.

I might not fully deny what my mom says. It is maybe the teenage foolish behaviour which makes me and her this way or maybe something else. But I love her. I am unable to accept a reality in which i am in love with someone else. I have had a theory that i create chaos and disturbance in every person's life who is associated with me and with time this theory has been proved correct. Today, all i have is a good academic, good parents( as in parental relationship, which is declining with the increase of my mother's anger levels), and some spiritual knowledge(which i have keen interest in ).

I am.. finished. I might be able to get over my feelings for her and maybe in future accept someone else as my love. Maybe I would be able to recover from the childhood trauma I have gotten from the fights of my parents. But I am tired. I am fucking tired pls stop. It's too difficult to write this .