I noticed that the pic I included in my last post appeared to be squashed. So now I'm testing a landscape pic instead of a portrait pic and seeing if it looks better.

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Just to keep you up to date, I have a virtual appointment
with a psychiatrist on the 29th of this month. I
did well for 12 days and then on the 30th the anxiety returned. I
have some depression too, and still feel hopeless. Sill feel like I have
questions but never any answers and solutions. I still hope it’s just a matter
of getting used to the new medication dose and my lady hormones settling in, but
I don’t know what to think anymore. I just know that 8 years of going around in
circles with this is ridiculous so I made the appointment. I just don’t know if
I can be helped. While I’m at it, I have a question for you. Is it OK to take a
10MG CBD gummy before 4 hours after taking my levothyroxine? 

The above paragraph was my message to my docs earlier. I’d
been planning to check in with them and give them an update, but I didn’t want
to do so without making an appointment first and have them be like, we told
you to make the appointment, blah, blah blah. 

What I didn’t tell them was that I’m fed up. Honestly, I can’t
take this anymore.

Tom and I were talking about what might happen to us after we're gone and whether or not there’s an afterlife and all kinds of things like that.
Of all the different theories, I realized that none of us can know anything
until we’re gone. I still hope there’s no afterlife at all. 

Because it’s so hard for me to believe that Aly wouldn’t
send me a sign that she goes on somehow and have a positive influence on my emotional
state if she could, it makes me think that there is no afterlife, or she simply
can’t. Hell, even my parents would lend a helping hand if they could and wouldn’t
want me suffering like this. 

Tom brought up an interesting theory about those lights I
saw back in Phoenix. Maybe it wasn’t an alien craft but a glimpse into another
dimension and time. Maybe even the ghosts some people claim to see are from
another place and time. 

I sure wonder about those multi-dimensions, alright.
Especially with some of the dreams I’ve had. I recently had one where I was
thinking about how my parents were 72 and 73 and that I hadn’t contacted them
for a while. I thought it would be a good time to send them a letter. It wasn’t
so much what happened in the dream that makes me wonder, but how real it felt.
Like I was really in some other place and time.  

Virtual appointment.

 I was having so much fun sharing pics from my various trips
on VZfit but lately, they’re not transferring over. There always has to be a fucking
issue. I guess it’s no biggie, though, because I’m doing it to exercise and not
to share pics, but it was a nice bonus. I was getting sick of having to
transfer them one at a time too. You would think these things would be simpler,
but apparently not. Anyway, I’m only gonna do 10 miles a day on my trip so I
can do other trips in between for variety. There are a million miles of boring Nevada
desert with nothing much to see but the same old stuff. This is a very ugly-looking
desert compared to the Sonoran and Mojave deserts. 

I jump back and forth between Chicago Med and new Lifetime
movies and in the latest episode of Chicago Med, there was a young woman who didn’t
know that her own mother had her sterilized as a teen because she was
promiscuous and they were poor. The mother didn’t want the daughter to end up
in her shoes. Apparently, this was legal to do in some states up until 1973.
The daughter thought she had an appendectomy.  

The first thing that came to mind as I watched this was how
my mother would have jumped at the opportunity to have this done to me if she
could have, even though I wasn’t with anyone. She never wanted me to have kids.
I don’t think it was just that she believed I would be a bad mother. No, I
think it went beyond that. It was also about money and her not wanting the
burden that grandchildren bring.  

The only thing that didn’t make sense in the show was that
the woman was too poor to find out why she couldn’t conceive. Well, if she was
that poor, how would she afford a kid? I understood the reason this woman
sterilized her kid and why my mother would have gladly done it to me if she
could snap her fingers and have it done but it’s still wrong. It should always
be up to the woman to choose whether or not she does or doesn’t have kids. 

I fought all the fighters on the easy round and even beat
the champ on Thrill of the Fight. Tomorrow begins the next level up. Tom’s on
the endurance round and he’s been cremated by the champ a few times, LOL. He’s
going to keep trying. I’m sure it will get tougher and tougher for me as well,
even though I’m in better shape, lighter, and have more muscle. 

Another nightmare woke me up but I don’t remember what this
one was about. I did have a dream that he started a drug for his essential tremors
that began with an E. Funny name for it. Why is it “essential” that you tremor? 

Unfortunately, I’ve been hit with yet another round of
anxiety. I really think it is about the medication. I just can’t believe I’m
suddenly anxious about being on nights after I’ve spent nearly half my life on
nights. Nor can I believe my hormones are that powerful this late in the game.
So what do I do? I cut my waiting time down, of course. At least I’m not
skipping. I think I’m always going to have to adjust my waiting time based on
how I feel. I’ll get anxious as the stuff ramps up in my bloodstream and less
anxious as it drains a little when I wait only a half-hour instead of an hour before
having my coffee. It’s no wonder that I felt so good during the summer. It’s
also why I was so exhausted. I would still rather be tired than anxious. 

The Russian/Ukrainian war still rages on. It’s easy for me
to say that I don’t think it will spark a nuclear war, but what the hell do I
know anymore? People can be as unpredictable as they can be predictable. It
makes no sense for them to do so, but people don’t always exercise logic in
their actions. People do things all the time for no reason. Oh, I’m still sure
there will be one. I just think it will be after we’re gone. For now, I don’t
think Putin wants to destroy what he wants to take over. If he destroys
Ukraine, then it can’t become part of his territory.  

Russia and Ukraine

 The red sports car is still there, but they’ve been fairly
quiet. The motorcycle hasn’t gone out since the 20th. It seems
projects and company are mostly with keeps him off of the thing so I’m hoping
they stay awhile longer wherever they’re from. They’re a little too far to make
out the plate, but Tom thought it looked like an Ohio plate. Also, I don’t
think there are kids over there after all. I think what I initially heard was
just a teenager with a high-pitched voice. They were barbequing a little while
ago. It’s hard to believe they’re in for the night on a Saturday night but
maybe they are. It’s not late, but it’s not early either. 

With the way Darren is sometimes gone without Carrie for 9
hours at a time, I wonder if perhaps he’s working somewhere in the state at
least part-time. He strikes me as a construction kind of guy. 

Tom thought he would hear something today because there was
a scavenger hunt going on, but it was quiet. Someone was calling for their lost
pet yesterday and he thought it could be Toni’s cat. 

No, they weren’t in for the night. They both left at 7 for
an hour.   

Because we pay for it and there is so much space - a
terabyte to be exact - we decided to sync my pics to OneDrive. After I get used
to it, and if there are no problems, I’ll sync my docs as well. 

Tom had a full panel of labs done and everything came back
OK except that he’s pre-diabetic. He’s been that way for a few years now. He’s
been more active, but like me, he’s not willing to make dietary changes. We’re
more active, but we don’t want to give up treats forever, and I certainly don’t
want to half-starve myself to get to a healthier weight. 

According to Margaret, Dixie has been moved to a care
facility for “unruly” patients that are constantly under lockdown. She also has
seven figures in her account and said something about her leaving her money to
a couple she was friends with for years that would take Diane in sometimes for
a few days at a time. I remember them and that the friendship ended in one of
my last visits with Dixie. She said they were saying bad things about Diane or
something like that. Who knows? Dixie was/is so far out of her mind now that
you can’t understand or trust anything she says.  

I don’t know enough about the daughter who supposedly
married a wealthy man, but I feel bad for the son. I don’t know him either, but
I know I would be pissed if my mother was leaving millions to her friends and
not me. That’s got to hurt a lot worse than my parents leaving more to her
bratty grandkids.  

I can totally see Dixie as being unruly too, and I
doubt she’ll ever be going back home. It’s sad, but not surprising. Old or not,
Dixie did bring on a lot of her own problems with her stubbornness, selfishness,
and stupidity. 

This shit with Russia is a reminder that some people make
their own haters, and it isn’t always that people are racist or hateful or
anything like that. What’s scary is that it’s not just Putin (he has such ugly
Mona Lisa eyes) that is ordering this shit against Ukraine, but the thousands
and thousands of troops that are going along with his orders. How do you just
blow up and shoot innocent people like that and sleep at night?  

I know humanity – or most of it - will end because of a
nuclear war. I just don’t think it will happen while I’m still alive. However,
now I’m not so sure it will be the T-heads or North Korea to start it. Maybe it
will be Russia instead. They obviously don’t give a shit about the sanctions
being put on them by various countries, otherwise they wouldn’t be doing this.
I just don’t get it though. How much fucking space do you need when you’re
already the biggest country in the world space-wise? And is what they’re doing
going to encourage them to take over and invade other countries as well? 

I’ve been working on this entry on and off for hours. I
think it’s time to finish and post it. First, I was hearing the thumping of
bass earlier and it went on for more than just a minute. It wasn’t across the
street, though, but so much for not hearing that shit here. Doubt it was in the
park. I sure hope not anyway. More than likely it was a very loud car stereo
outside the park. The things people do for attention! 

We still play miniature golf on and off, sometimes by
ourselves and sometimes with each other. It’s not only fun playing, but it’s
also fun flying around the course and collecting lost balls even if most of
them are dull looking.  

Unruly patients

HiIt's 19th September. Life has been changed so much, but I never knew this much. My CPU has been stuck for the last 17 days, and I have felt so, so, so helpless. I have millions of questions in my mind. I am not even asking anyone because I know no one can really answer it. Or maybe I don't want an answer.&nbsp;Why?&nbsp;Why do I fall in love too soon? As soon as someone understands a bit of me, I feel emotional attraction towards them. I do everything for that person, but on the other hand, they don't really know what I am feeling for them. Why is it always like they are in friendship and I am in love? I don't want this; I don't want to fall; I don't want my life forever as a giver of everything. Just for once, I also want to become a poem rather than a poet, but I know I can't. All I am asking in this life from everyone is that they “be who they are around me,” and still I don't know. Why people can't be who they are around me? I know I am not loved, but don't worry, pretty soul; I never want you to feel this. I feel so strange and worthless when people act different around me. Like, am I that wrong or unsafe a person?Finally, after 20 years of my life, I have accepted and believed that I can never be truly loved by anyone. Everyone is here to heal themselves; no one is going to be willing to do everything for me.&nbsp;I give up on love. I give up on finding love because that doesn't really exist for me. I was here, am here, and will be here just to heal, listen, and support but never to feel loved. Maybe I am here to fight, to earn, to be famous, or to create.&nbsp;If you are reading this, I hope you never feel this way and soon find your person. I wish God would heal you from everything that you are even afraid to tell anyone.- Devangi

Forever unloved

i can't help but wonder what others see when they look at me. do they see someone confidant or scared? happy or sad? crumbling or strong? both or neither or all at once? is my fear noticable? are my worries and stress written on my face? can they see how much i crave the social contact but shy away from it at the same time? do they pity me?&nbsp;&nbsp;i don't want something to grow from pity. i want a real connection but i fear that their fondness toward me is like a wet cat or a stray dog, not a genuine human connection.

june 3rd, 2025

Today, I got this table from my landlord. Earlier, he gave me his chair too.&nbsp;I've been craving for a bigger table for my laptop, where i can stretch my both hands. But, I had a very small table with me. Whose depth was very small, just enough to cover laptop.&nbsp;I've been saving money on smaller things. I earned a lot, but struggling for these basic things.&nbsp;

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Got  bigger table | Happiness in small items | Hardship

i want to try journaling again; i haven't written a diary since i was a kid.my life is like walking through a dense forest lately. every time i walk around a tree, everything looks the same but different. everything is new and scary and exciting and good and bad, all at the same time.i want to write fanfics. i want to write journal entries. i want to learn how to write essays for a ged i'll probably fail. i want to eat. i want to sleep. i want to read books and manga and light novels. i want to kiss some guy i've only seen through a youtube video, but not in a romantic way, just in an appreciation because he's talented way. like how people kissed the hands of kings of old.i want i want i want i wanti crave companionship and money and things most normal people want. i just don't know how to get those things yet.

april 23rd, 2025

It's the 1st of February. Yesterday I decided that from tomorrow I will start writing on this website and publish it online. Some days will be great, some will be sad, some will be anxious, some will be full of lessons, some will just be a letter to my past to future self, while some will be the comfort for a stranger.&nbsp;&nbsp;I write because I love it. Writing is something that I never want to stop. I hope my writing will help someone someday. I always want to understand people, how they are feeling, what is bothering them, and the things they can't express to anyone and question themselves; I don't want that.&nbsp;Because they don't deserve that. Don't worry; you will be fine, and I will post an article on this website every day :)&nbsp;

Commit to Myself 

Yesterday was my birthday. I'm 41 now.Im feeling as if I'm starting my life exactly 17 years ago. Searching for work, living a bachelor life, struggling for daily chores.&nbsp;

Im 41

I've been ahead of myself lately. I'm not always the best at things or picking the right words at the right moments and It feels like there's always an empty space and when that empty space is gone life shifts and feels better but eventually the room becomes empty again. Actually i'm use to the room being empty its been empty most my life in fact its been so empty i forgot what it felt like to not be the only one in the room anymore. Well anyways I encourage strength be strong focus make the best out of life.

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