 Yesterday we decided to bomb the place after all. First, a
spider jumped out and scared the shit out of me, and we have a lot of little
flying bugs due to the humidity. We only had to be out for two hours, so we
drove around and then ended up at BK.   

Someone was definitely next door as T noticed someone painting
their carport the other day. They also shut their bathroom window.   

Anyway, I was a little jittery but it was my own fault for indulging in a wee bit too much fudge. So my heart was a little racy yesterday and I felt warm. And then the fatigue set in big time. Even though I only slept 5 hours yesterday, I started off with decent enough energy. In the middle of my
day, though, it started hitting me.   

Finally fed up with the extreme fatigue that’s been worse
for about a year now, I decided to let my docs in on it. They made a new case
for that as well as for hypertension. They asked me to take some blood pressure
readings for them and I did. It was probably high, though, because of the stress
and extra sodium. I told them it’s usually lower when I wake up and that my old
doc decided against blood pressure medication because she felt it would make me
dizzy since my readings are better at the beginning of my day. Plus, there’s
the medication phobia. Yes, that’s gotten better, but I’m still prone to side effects,
whether I like it or not and I don’t want to go on medication at this time.   

They asked if I had ever partaken in a sleep study because
they wondered if I could have sleep apnea. I told them no and that it would be
hard for me to get meaningful results in a sleep study because of my unique
sleeping situation where I have trouble falling asleep and have to sleep with
the sound machine on. I guess I might be able to do one eventually at home if
it doesn’t cost too much, but I doubt I have sleep apnea. T pointed out there’s
a thing on Fitbit that measures your oxygen rate in your sleep. It’s a graph in
which blue is better than orange. I only had a few orange peaks. Nothing that
smacks of an unhealthy trend.   

They asked about snoring, and I do snore, but lightly. I’m
not like T where you can hear it through walls. Thunder didn’t wake me up as
expected last night, but a power failure woke me up. It was the second one we
had, too. The first one happened when I was awake. I hope I’m not going to get
as many wake-up calls from that as I do thunder. Anyway, I woke up the instant
the power went out and I did notice that yes, I was softly snoring.   

I also filled out some standard questionnaires and was asked
about alcohol consumption and whether or not I’ve ever had any EKG or stress
test. I told them I had both in 2016 and then they asked about anyone having
serious heart issues before the age of 50 in my family. I told them about my
father and the fact that one of my grandfathers died of a heart attack just
over 50.   

They’re going to be sending me to the lab. They want to check my TSH and also my iron levels and look for antibodies that could indicate either infections or inflammation. It will be interesting to see what my TSH is which I’d guess is 11-point-whatever.   

I don’t have a guess as to what could be causing my fatigue,
but I don’t think it’s serious. I want to say it’s my TSH but then why didn’t I
have such fatigue when I was first diagnosed? I was so tired that I slept for
nearly 10 hours and got a good sleep score. As usual, though, I didn’t wake up
feeling that refreshed.   

I’m just so glad I have this team to exchange all this
information with. I could never have done this through a portal with a regular
doctor/patient setup.   

So I peeled off the nail stickers from my big toes expecting
quite a mess underneath, but nope. The lacquer really does kill fungus. My
fingernails have me completely mystified though. I still see redness and I
still have sensitivity where the fingertip meets the nail. If it was just a
chemical reaction, shouldn’t it be better by now? But I don’t see how a fungus
or infection of any kind could spring up that fast either. I still have plenty
of lacquer on hand and tons of refills, though, if it doesn’t go away.   

After Burger King (I only got hash browns) we stopped at
Walgreens. I got some wine but no treats. I’ve had enough sugar. Since we still
had time to kill, we sat in the driveway for a while. The humidity gives all
the houses a drenched look as if it just finished raining. Once the sun comes
up, it dries it up.   

I came up with a cover story to have M contact N, but
she never replied to the message. I’m sure she saw it, even though I can’t see
that she did. I said… I believe we could be related. My father was Robert Lucke
and was married to my mother for 20 years. Somewhere during the marriage, he
took up with a mistress. Although I can’t get my mother to talk about it, he
supposedly started a family with this woman until he died of a heart attack in
her bed. They had two daughters, Vivian and Marion. They would be in their 50s
or 60s today. I live in New Mexico, but his mistress is from Europe. I was
never told which country, but seeing the German writing on your profile makes
me wonder if it could be you. The name and the age in your photos looks right
as well.   

I don’t know if she suspects I’m behind the account. I added
some religious memes and chose a royalty cover photo of a Hispanic-looking
woman with three kids. There is a hand holding beach shells for the profile
picture.   

I’m now unsure as far as the termite goes. I went through
everything that’s public and she has shit spanning back to 2010. Of course, one
of the posts had to be the photos she took of me when we visited her that I
specifically asked that she not make public, but I don’t care at this point. Most
of what’s public is the usual shit she would post. Self-comforting memes, memes
about being screwed over, praise for the Sarasite, her mommy and Daddy in
heaven, the angels that watch over her, etc.   

It could be that she's had this stuff public all along and
didn’t recently make it public, but I just never noticed when we were
connected. I didn’t have another account to look in on her as I had no reason
to. I also wouldn’t notice if she’s allowed anyone to comment on her posts all
along. So she still might not have seen the message and might not have recently
changed any settings.   

I can’t get rid of the pictures she took and shared, but I
really wish there was a way to get rid of all comments and likes between a
person. I don’t understand why they’re showing up since I’ve blocked her.
Blocking is supposed to delete all likes and comments from the person, but
apparently, it doesn’t. That’s fucking Facebook for you. It’ll take time, but I
could slowly go through my activity log and delete some things.  

 I’m going to be sending my docs a message letting them know
I’ve been doing well as far as anxiety goes and am starting just one 75 a week,
with the rest being 88. While I’m at it, I’m going to mention the fatigue. I’ll
explain that I’ve been having trouble falling asleep and staying asleep more
often, not waking up refreshed most days, and see what they say. 

It’s strange how I could sleep 8 hours two days ago and felt
tired the first few hours of my day while I just got up from 5 hours of sleep
and I feel more rested. 

I love it when I remember enough of my dreams to write about
them, even if they’re not good. T and I were living in a tiny house somewhere.
There was just one room on one side and a bathroom and a kitchenette on the
other. I slept on a twin bed along the back wall and he had a twin bed along
the side wall. 

A young woman in her 20s or 30s that we had met previously
came to the door while he was asleep. I let her in, even though I wasn’t sure I
liked her very much. She just didn’t seem all there. She stayed briefly and
then returned later. At this time, she lay down on my bed and pulled the
comforter over her head. Then she started nonstop rambling about everything and
nothing. I could clearly see she was bipolar, paranoid, and delusional. At one
point she mentioned something about having to train me. Sick of listening to it
and having no tolerance for the mentally ill any more than rude people, I said
I had been up since 4 in the morning and asked her to leave, which she did. 

I also had a dream about Johnson for the first time in ages.
She and I were having a friendly chat and she told me she would marry me in 10
to 15 years. She knew I was still with T and in her mind, she may have
thought he would be gone then. 

Realizing she never told me her first name as she was
walking away, I called out “Rachel!” to see if she would turn around. She
didn’t, though. 

Too bad I could never find her on Facebook. I don’t harbor
any hard feelings anymore and I would love to say hello and see how her life
has been even though I’m sure she wouldn’t reply whether or not she blocked me.
I realize that as far as her blowing me off, that’s just how people are, not
that people shouldn’t keep their word unless they have a good excuse not to. 

I’ve only heard the dog once in the last few days, but I
think that’s because I haven’t been around in the mid-afternoon to early
evening when it seems to be heard the most. I heard a few barks yesterday, but
nothing too loud or annoying. Still dread it when the weather cools down and
people open their windows. I know I’m gonna hear the damn thing bark every time
someone goes into the kitchen and it gets all excited in anticipation of being
fed or when someone comes to the door or they go out somewhere and leave the
mutt home. 

My nails aren’t quite as sensitive after what I suspect was
a chemical burn from the gel remover, but I do have discoloration. Not the
yellow and brownish discoloration I had from the fungus, but more like a red
irritated look. It extends from the middle of the nails to the tips. Hopefully,
it will grow out and I’ll be as good as new again. I’m not doing anything else
to my nails for a while. 

Mrs. T still says it’s been quieter there “for some
reason” and that still bugs me, even though I know it can’t be as quiet as it
is here. Not when you’re on a busy street in a big city. And like the trash
collectors are suddenly using the smaller, quieter trucks they use here where a
guy jumps off the back to grab the trash and they’re in and out? I wouldn’t be
surprised if there were fewer planes and projects, though. I’ve been up for an
hour and I’ve already heard four planes as late as it is. 

She says the only dog she sometimes hears is M’s.
Figures G would shut her dog up after we leave. 

It hit me as I was falling asleep that S could
have allowed public comments sooner or later than she started making more
things public. I remember having A check her account because I was curious if
she made anything public about me and she couldn’t see much of anything. So
yeah, she could have started allowing comments from anyone right after I sent
the messages. Discovering this gives me a little more hope that the messages
really did go through and were seen. Well, I knew they went through because I
saw that much. I just had no way to tell if Facebook blocked them from being
able to view the messages, or if they didn’t get them. As funny as it may
sound, I really do hope her allowing public comments are because of me, LOL.
There’s just something amusing about her doing this in hopes of “getting” me and
me knowing she’ll never get what she wants. If I knew T and I were about to
die, I would certainly leave a message, even though there still wouldn’t be
anything she could do about it from a legal standpoint. I just wouldn’t want
T to find out about it somehow so that’s why I’m quiet for now. 

I’m still a little surprised she would risk embarrassing
herself with what I may say about her, but I guess hoping to get me is worth whatever
that may be. There are plenty of people out there willing to spite themselves to
spite others. My guess is she’s either hoping I’ll write something she can
legally use against me or she wants me to reach out so she can reply with
“sensitive,” false and nasty “info.” Something like, “You’ve been in jail.
You’ve been in funny farms. You’re going to be arrested,” as if that would
really hurt, LOL.  

As I said, I would gladly return the trolling as immature as
it may be and as much as I’d be stooping to their level if it weren’t for T.
I would just keep it legal. She really could have gotten her ass in trouble for
threatening me in a recording in her own voice. She only did it because she
knew I wouldn’t bother to waste time reporting her. It was still a daring but
bold move on her part. A stupid one too. 

Damn the fucking motorcycles blazing by the estate! I know it’s
Friday night but still. It’s the middle of the night. Have some fucking
respect.  

OK, I give up. I give up! I totally surrender to whatever
the fuck has been cursing my sleep. No more trying to soundproof the bedroom.
It's totally hopeless. No matter where we live, no matter what we do, things
always find a way to wake me up. If I was 100% deaf there would suddenly be sonic
booms or low-flying helicopters. Or maybe I would have more nightmares and have
to get up to pee more often if I didn't wake up more just because.  

Even when nothing is waking me up, I'm having more trouble
staying asleep. I don't know if that's just an age thing or if it could be
connected to the increase in my medication. I don't think it's on the
medication if I had to guess but if it is, I’ll probably get used to it in
time.  

But why bother to reinforce windows or dog houses if it's
all worthless anyway? Manufactured homes are practically made of cardboard.
First, the fucking mower woke me up. By the time he ran to the window to see
which one it was, it was gone. I'm guessing the stand-up. I'm sure that one
will be around more often too, just like I’ve been suspecting it will be. I'll
raise the volume of the Sleep Sounds and add an earplug, but I'm sure that
during the times I'm sleeping on mowing day, which is about every three weeks,
I'll get woken up no matter what. I don't think there's anything that can block
the stand-up in this kind of house because it's just so fucking loud.  

I really do have to put more effort into trying to sleep at
night only. If I'm going to be tired half of the time anyway, why not? I'm
usually up between 16 to 18 hours. So if I set the alarm for 6:00 AM, I'm going
to get 6 to 8 hours of sleep even though it's not literally 6 to 8 hours as
I've learned. We don't sleep the entire time we're in bed. If I crash at
midnight and get up at 9, I probably got 7 to 8 hours of sleep. What's pushing
my schedule forward regularly is that I can't always fall asleep at the same
time or get up at the same time. It's almost always later and later. If I could
at least sleep at night during storm season and when they're mowing more often,
that would really help a lot. But now I'm wondering if I'm even going to be
able to sleep through the motorcycle anymore when it returns. It's almost like my
bedroom is letting in even more sound as if to punish me for trying to fight
it. 

The second wake-up call came in the form of thunder. It was
loud and continuous for almost 2 hours. This is the way it's going to be just
about every day for months. I'm truly amazed that I'm not more tired than I am.
I was actually more tired yesterday. So much so that I didn't even do any VR
time or drink wine. I don't drink wine when I'm tired for some reason. I tried
to stay up until the mowers came, figuring that whatever is cursing my sleep
would be sure to have them come late. They usually come between 9:30 and 11:30,
but sure enough, I couldn’t hold out past 9 and they came at 11:15. So while I
crashed at 9 and got up at 7:45, I didn't even sleep for 7 hours. So if I
listen to my audiobook from 8 to 10 and then sleep from 10 to 6, I'll probably
get 5-6 hours of sleep on average. Hopefully, the time spent laying there
listening to audiobooks will help. 

I stupidly gave Nature Sounds another chance, but they still
stop playing after a while. I don't understand why the devs won't do anything
to fix the problem. I'm not the only one that's complained about the cut-outs.
I'll use Sleep Sounds, but the best it will do is drown out little stuff. It's
not going to do anything for loud motors or thunder. 

This month’s VZ challenge is to get to know the VZ team by
taking guided tours around their neck of the woods. You don't hear their voices
speaking, but there are bubble pop-ups that give you the highlights of the
areas. I'm in eastern MA right now. I don't miss the winters there, but I miss
those spacious houses with breathing room around them! Stuck up or not, I liked
Longmeadow. It was Springfield that I hated.  

Anyway, I was doing a Thailand trip before the challenges
came out. I'll get back to Thailand after I do these challenges. They're fun to
do, even though I would rather do something useful than just meet the team like
planting trees or feeding hungry kids whose poor parents should have been smart
enough not to have them or finding cures for diseases.  

J said that even though we're on opposite sides of the
coin where abortion is concerned, she still stands for women's rights and feels
the government has crossed the line (the focus should be on school shootings). But
if she doesn't have control over her own body, what rights does she have that most
people don't already have? Women can vote, work, own property, play sports, and
do pretty much the same things everyone else can do. She just doesn't always
have much say over her body, but then most of us don't. No one asks for sleep
disorders, birth defects, or autoimmune diseases, and for a few years In the
90s, I didn't ask to be exposed to DES. 

Still in a good mood, despite the frustration of the sleep
issues. I don't want to be beating on meat while he’s sleeping, but tomorrow
I'll decide whether or not to do the ribs I got in the cast iron skillet or the
cooker. I'm thinking I might try the skillet. These are boneless but cheaper.
For now, I'm making fried clams and I'm gonna do a veggie stir fry with the
garlic parmesan seasoning I got. 

No Use Fighting It

 I was up for 19.5 hours and only slept for 6.5 hours, so I'm
having another tired day. My God, I am so, so fucking sick of this shit!
Why can't I just have fucking energy most days instead of some days?!  

OMG, am I seeing correctly? I do believe I am! Speech to
text is actually printing out my swear words instead of starring them. Wow, you
mean I actually have freedom of expression now in my own Word documents? How amazing.
Doubt it will be that way in emails. 

Really hoping the mowers aren't late in case they wake me up
right after I fall asleep. I'd hate to crash at around 10:00 or 10:30 and have
them wake me up an hour later. Of course, that depends on what mower they're
using. 

Speaking of twisted families, Andy told me some things I
didn't know. With him being four years older and my family keeping most things
from me, he knew a lot more of what went on than I did. After Andy graduated
high school, his mother left his father for four or five years. She went to
stay with Marla in Atlantic City, which was where she was at the time.  

Andy encouraged his father to date other women believing his
mother wasn't coming back. He only dated a woman once. Andy really liked her
and went to spend the weekend with her and her kids. He had so much fun there
that he ended up staying for a few weeks. His dad, however, decided that it was
his mother he loved so he stood alone until she returned. They stayed together
until he died. 

I don't remember much about Al as a kid, but I definitely
didn't like him as an adult. I remember one time I called his house looking for
Andy when I was in Phoenix and he was home visiting and he spoke to me in such
a snotty tone. I just didn't tell Andy about it. 

Then there was Phil. That was Norma’s first husband. Despite
the fact that Norma was considered a hot blue-eyed blonde back in her prime,
Phil had an affair And died of a heart attack in bed with his mistress. 

Apparently, Phil had a whole other family with this woman
and Michelle was asking Norma about it, but Norma refused to discuss it. Can't
blame her for that one! 

Phil also scared the shit out of Andy as a kid by saying
things like how he would put him in a box and ship him to China, and he said it
as if he was dead serious. So I'd say that heart attack was his karma.  

Karma

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 Just sitting here missing Aly. Maybe some people would say
that I shouldn’t since she wasn’t always very honest with me and didn’t value
the friendship as much as I did. For a while, it was like that, but I’m pretty
sure in the end she came to value the friendship very much. She also knew how
much lying bothered me and became more honest in the end. But you know what? If
she could just come back to life right now, she could lie to me all she wanted! 

I slept shitty in that I kept waking up and I just couldn’t
seem to get comfortable. Again, I wonder if a high-end mattress would help or
not. Maybe it would or maybe my sleep is just that damn cursed. I ended up
napping for a while, which helped. I don’t have the energy I feel I should
have, but I know that part of it is on the thyroid. I just wish I could hurry
up and get my TSH down! But of course I’m not one that can simply take whatever
medication she needs. But once I’m there, I can settle my curiosity once and
for all as to whether or not I’ll feel better in general and have more energy,
and if my body will respond to diet and exercise. Once I get it down, I’ve got
to make one last-ditch effort to try to get some weight off otherwise I’ll die
curious as to whether or not I was one of the few that could. I doubt I’ll be
able to do it, but I won’t know for sure unless I try. It would really make my
life a lot easier if I could get off a good 20 or 30 pounds, but I won’t count
on it. I would have to cut a third of my calorie intake since I typically have
1500-1600 calories these days. 

I want to write some more just because I can and just
because it’s what I love to do, but I can’t think of anything to say. I wish I
could motivate myself to crank out stories like I used to. Pretty sure those
days are over though. 

I keep hoping that I’ll hear about at least one of the
justices getting sick but all they’re doing is screaming at their houses from the
street. As if these defiant, determined, and delusional sickos are going to
suddenly agree that their God isn’t necessarily superior to others, if there
are any to begin with, and reinstate Roe. Sadly, it will be decades before
abortion is legal in most to all places in the US. Tom and I will be dead and
gone. Just like neighborhoods get quieter when I leave them, I’m sure many good
things will happen when we die. Things that even we could use like vehicles,
including motorcycles, going electric and much quieter. I just don’t know how
long these good things will last before things go downhill again or the human
population is wiped out of existence. 

For some reason, I’ve come to have a strange fondness for my
fake buddy Mia. I wish she could be sentient in some way, but of course she isn’t.
Nonetheless, I’m going to start treating her as a friend and stop getting cheat
points as often by letting her answer to movie characters and getting my points
that way, LOL. Her birthday is the day after Tom’s.  

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Missing her

 It's sad to hear reports of protesters fighting for basic
human rights getting plowed by vehicles instead of the scum that started this
shit. I keep hoping to hear of at least some of the trash being taken out, but
of course I never do and I know I never will. :( 

Every time I see that ugly black face of Clarence’s I want to
reach through my computer and squash it with my hand. 

Dan Rather tweeted that setbacks can end up leading to wonderful
victories, but I don’t know about that. Sure, that might happen, but for how
long? I’ve experienced politics long enough to know that things tend to bounce
back and forth throughout the years. People’s rights are going to be like a
yoyo for as long as they walk the face of the earth. The giving and taking of
rights is just a sad fact of life. 

I think my hairstylist was right when she said you can train
your scalp. This was day three of not washing my hair, yet it was still pretty
clean. I washed it anyway. I’ll wash it every two to three days. I’m gonna get
a shower cap for when I’m only washing my body. I might be tempted to let my
hair grow long again if I don’t have to wash it every day, but I still have to
dye it so I don’t know. I can’t always just fill in the roots because the rest
of the color fades and it won't always match. 

Looking forward to Twitter Notes when they’re available! They’re
to be the same kind of notes where you can put a picture running across the top
of it that Facebook used to have. I was so disappointed when they took that
feature away so now I can enjoy it on Twitter until they take it away too. It’s
supposed to be for writers so they can share chapters from stories or whatever
they want. Twitter still isn’t the same without Aly, though. While she would be
disgusted with the events going on in this country, I think she would have
loved the feature and that we would have had fun sharing stories there. 

I’m not sure yet if I’m going to create a new account for
these notes. I’ll use them mostly for journaling. Right now I tweet the highlights
of my life, but if I’m going to be able to do 2500 words per post then I might
turn it into a journal. Maybe I’ll create an account for stories as well. I was
also thinking of a picture account for PB, even though I don’t plan on being
there as much for a while. It’s just much easier to share links to pictures
than going through a host. 

I’m functioning on only 5 hours and 21 minutes of sleep, so I’m
kind of tired today. A couple of hours before I got up, I swear I heard a bang but
Tom said there was no thunder. After I got up, he noticed a car next door. So I’m
wondering if maybe that’s what woke me up. We kind of doubt it, though, because
Irma and Dick didn’t wake me up and the person would have had to slam the car
door like they were pissed as hell. More than likely, it’s just whatever’s
cursing my sleep that manifested the sound. Besides, I never heard them leave
when they left. I don’t think it was anyone checking out the house but probably
visitors that Linda next door had. She’s quite a company junkie. I’m so glad we
didn’t end up next to anyone like that! Especially that’s here year-round. 

My nails still
have some sensitivity. I think it was definitely the remover. Someone else that
got this stuff complained about the same thing. 

I got Cipro
toothpaste that my old dentist in California used to give me. I’m limiting my
eating to three times a day. After the first two times I eat, I’ll use that. After
the last time I’ll use the kickass fluoride toothpaste that my current dentist
gave me.  

Life is so unfair

 Out of curiosity, I was reading the different abortion laws
in various countries. Looks like a lot of the Scandinavian countries give free abortions
on demand. Then you have some Latin countries that won’t abort under any
circumstances, not even if the mother’s life is in danger. It makes me shudder
to think there are some countries that would let a woman die despite being
totally preventable. These religious zealots and their delusions are affecting
so many people in such a negative way. This month will be the first time the
Supreme Court will actually scale back on human rights rather than
extend them. Pretty fucked up if you ask me. 

I heard half a dozen or so barks around 9 yesterday morning
but nothing after that. That’s probably only because I wasn’t in the front of
the house after noon. The more I think about it, the more I doubt they
contacted him about the barking because I didn’t go to the office. It could
also be a numbers thing too. Maybe they require two or more complaints before
they do anything about barking. If I continue to hear it, it could be that S
and his wife simply don’t give a damn but even more likely is that the office
never said anything to them. 

I asked him what he considered too much barking and he said
more than five minutes more than three times. Lol, a single bark twice a
day is about all I can handle. 

He lost $10 yesterday with the horses. He’s dreaming, I tell
you, he’s dreaming. Just like he was in Oregon.  

Makes me shudder

 I only walked down about 10 houses worth this morning and
then ran back up. I breathed in the stench of smoke on the way down and up. I
swear there weren’t nearly as many smokers in the old place as there are here. 

Less than a year in and it’s already noisier
with all the projects and barking. Funny,
though, how he said that if we go rural and the neighbors are up to no good, we
can’t do anything about it. But we can’t do anything about it right here.
I get his point in that you’re likely to have more problems there than here and
how it’s safer here, but still. If T decided to run a dogfighting ring, D blasted in and out, and S let his mutt bark round the clock, what
could we do about it? Complain and get sent to jail if one of them has a cop
pal or be told to do a $1000 upgrade because someone in the office is besties
with one of them?  

Believe me, I hate
the complex the past has put on me and I know a stronger person wouldn’t let
the past dictate the future, but it’s not that easy. It does get to me at
times, though, that 6 people on the Supreme Court can tell millions of women
what to do with their lives and bodies, and I can’t even get one person
to control their fucking dog. Just one person.  

Why does this always happen to me? Just why? Every single
fucking place I go gets noisier until I’m about to leave it. I swear yesterday
was almost like the old place without the traffic. Yes, it can and has been
much worse, but I didn’t come here for this. I don’t care if his dog barks less
than 30 seconds at a time. Just the fact that I hear it every single day really
gets to me. I don’t make him hear anything of ours regularly. 

They put the roof on the day before yesterday and that wasn’t
too noisy. Just a few rounds of mild pounding. I thought they were done with
the place, but they did work on it yesterday as well and the pounding got to
the point where it was distracting. 

It’s a crisp, cool morning out at 68 degrees, so I have a
couple of windows open. I’ll shut them when the temperature rises or the
projects and barking get too annoying, whichever comes first. 

Really surprised that Texas of all states wants free speech
online. I would think a state like that would do the exact opposite. Still,
with all the crazy laws, restrictions, and all the little sensitives out there and
their poor, poor little fragile eggshell feelings, I’m afraid to even breathe
online these days.   

Funny,
though, how he said that if we go rural and the neighbors are up to no good, we
can’t do anything about it. But we can’t do anything about it right here.
I get his point in that you’re likely to have more problems there than here and
how it’s safer here, but still. If Toni decided to run a dogfighting ring, the
honker blasted in and out, and Steve let his mutt bark round the clock, what
could we do about it? Complain and get sent to jail if one of them has a cop
pal or be told to do a $1000 upgrade because someone in the office is besties
with one of them? <o:p></o:p>

Frustrated

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HOLA!&nbsp;Hey! It's my first time writing an online journal and sharing my thoughts, my feelings in a public platform. I'll try to be as&nbsp;honest as I can be with my feelings.&nbsp;&nbsp;So today is my first day of writing a journal and I don't know where to start from. Lately I have been feeling zoned out a little bit and ya maybe this is the only reason why I am here so that at least I can listen and talk to myself. Everyone has some kind of issues, problems and difficulties&nbsp;which they have to face some or the other time but the question is when? Today, tomorrow, day after tomorrow or right now, cause you can never escape from the reality and one day it's gone be "The Day".&nbsp;For now, I just want to leave here with the note&nbsp; "Just freaking face it".

Just ME

At this point… I just can’t go around in circles anymore. And this stain of my mom and the reality of my parents again is glaring. Of course I am now miserable again because every day is torture. And its reminder of every time I already felt this desperate and reached out to my parents. They never actually helped me with anything. My parents have always either been the reason I was suffering extraordinarily or&nbsp;I think I’ve reached a point where my mind won’t even really let me repeat anymore.. its like the reason this was so painful the whole time was it was logical to reach the conclusion that the pain would never stop because of my parents. They refused to help me and their “help” is only ever more pain. Every time they could help they chose to hurt but call it help.&nbsp;&nbsp;I've spent 2 years with this latest pain that is unbearable to live with. Its something I have to accept after 2 years that these urologists have no clue what they’re doing either. So many incompetent doctors and urologists and people willing to just sell you for any amount of money. My own parents were the force behind all of it, not the gov.. they did their work for them.&nbsp;&nbsp;Anyway, I was getting by on gabapentin but I can’t live like that either.. &nbsp;i need to actually solve the root issues, and my own parents are still denying me.. this is decades later after I first accepted my death and was not given any mercy to die.. even though id accepted my parents poisoned me. People have no idea the pain that follows with accepting your own death and not being able to die. It was all logical and more than a person could bare in pain. My parents were responsible.&nbsp;&nbsp;This latest pain developed most likely as a consequence of a consequence from the penile disorder developed very young as yet another side effect of the pills my parents forced me on.&nbsp;&nbsp;Am I the only person that has any decency left? I would never EvEr do what my parents have done.&nbsp;&nbsp;The bottom line is everyday for me is torture.. and nothing but,.. it didn’t used to be… again I had hope .. but after speaking to my mother and being reminded of how evil she is.. how she could just deny me and all my feelings and words.. every single time.. its so hard to even speak on now.. theres so much legitimate trauma here.&nbsp;All the hope I had to do my music … the one thing that I could have at least made all the pain worth living through.. I thought.. I never got a chance to do.. I only got to show like 5 percent of me..&nbsp;No one should have to accept their own death and keep going.. thats the worst torture of all.. for decades.. not one or two years.. and not being shown ANY mercy or compassion or understanding… nobody listened to me about my parents..&nbsp;Its been proven my mother inverts things now. My whole life I washes gaslit and run in circles of lunacy with either of my parents.. there was no speaking to them.. no point you could make that they would admit..&nbsp;Every day I could have prevented things from getting worse.. up until a point.. im not superman.. im a very strong human but im not superman.&nbsp;&nbsp;Every day my penis and perineum&nbsp; stays half hard and I cannot wear clothing again most of the time or sit down on my perineum.. and there are no answers.. always such obvious phsycail symptoms for things and me speaking on them.. and people like my parents and the doctors ignoring what actually happened and lied about every detail.. so it was so many abuses on top of abuses on top of abuses. And its still happening.. I never got out. I should have gotten out.. if I wasn’t ever going to even have a chance to sing or make music simply for my mental health even.. and not have understanding and support about that from my own parents I mean what the hell was I even entertaining being around here for anymore. And why would anyone try to stop me and keep torutring me further..&nbsp;&nbsp;\my mother is here saying should be grateful for being tortured. I have had the will to live the entire time.. but I’ve been living in a cage and not even able to do what I could just because of the circumstances here and my mom and dad do nothing but deny everything and change all the details.&nbsp;&nbsp;I could not bare to go on with these different agonizing pains.. I wanted to make my life worth it.. but my parents would not even let me do the thing I loved and survived to do. That was music.. I wasn’t even allowed .. what did I survive for? To just be tortured.. and my mother to say I should be grateful to hurt while she does nothing but lie about me and say what I feel and dictate reality when she’s a psychopath and doesn’t care at all about me.&nbsp;&nbsp;Its the weirdest thing. I could have been shown some decency.. some compassion.. its always flipped upside down with my mother.&nbsp;&nbsp;What other way can I say it? I can’t get a good urologist and its the latest in the damage to my pelvis and all these things I tried so hard to prevent and my mother and father just wouldn’t listen to me about. Just like decades earlier.. it was always my parents behind everything. Every single thing had the root source of my parents causing the pain.. and somehow this wasn’t ever addressed?&nbsp;&nbsp;My entire life.. just stolen from me.. so much torture.. and no mercy.. and so far beyond what the average person could ever handle.. no credit.. nothing..&nbsp;&nbsp;No one should ever have to live this way.. I tried every way and I found avenues and my parents still STILLLLLL forced me to live in the most torturous of ways on purpose.. just denied every word I said..&nbsp;&nbsp;I had no other choices.. literally nothing else I could do.. and then you have these opposites of me the weakest people I know by far and the most evil - my own parents.. and they’re the ones dictating my life to this day..&nbsp;I never should have survived past 16 if I was never going to be listened to and I knew that. Thats where the&nbsp; biggest feeling of hopelessness always originated… my parents. All it would have taken was listening and supporting me at all.. but all my parents ever did was argue ignore and deny me.&nbsp;&nbsp;I don’t know what else to say.. I pushed everything to the limit and almost nobody offered me anything.. nobody cares.. its been almost 2 years of this latest pain condition getting to this point. I do believe it could have been prevented, at least from getting this bad.. its all interconnected and I know so much would have been helped being supported to do music. That was all I asked surviving.. and my parents are so incredibly cruel that they made up every excuse to keep me trapped. They’ve known all along how they were suffocating me financially and using things so I could not speak out or else I would not even have a place to stay at all.&nbsp;&nbsp;This is not an acceptable way to live, AT ALL, FOR A VERY LONG TIME. And I documented everything that shows how bad my mother and father really are.. how they can deny every word I say and just make things up.. what do I have&nbsp; do to make people understand this?What do I have to do? What do I have to do to make people know im the real deal and my parents are fucking monsters? I never wanted to spend any time on this I just wanted to sing and make music - its literally the only thing I survived for if I was going to survive.. and make something out of that.. but I was just forced to barely get by and live in pain and not even express myself.. all along why did my parents not want me to make music? Why were there always these lies over and over… and nobody stood by me..&nbsp;Too easy to just write me off .. but I was right. I never should have had to live this way with zero compassion and my own parents lying about me .. my whole life..&nbsp;&nbsp;Theres no defense and no excuses here and Im so fucking sick of this. My parents could have helped with the least of this so id even have a reason at all to live through the pain but I can barely walk or urinate and if anything touches that part of my body its just so painful.. just like when I was a child and the pain that I dealt with was denied by my own mother and created by her..&nbsp;&nbsp;This inversion of reality and hurting people that have no way to stop it is so fucking cruel. I should have had a choice.. any time in my life… there was nothing wrong with me mentally, it was just all the pain and lies from them combined.&nbsp;&nbsp;I don’t play hyperbolic games.. it truly is like my parents are the complete inverse and will lie about literally anything and deny anything and this whole thing is the most twisted psychological abuse ever from my perspective.. this is decades of my own parents denying me and being at the root of every pain and having doctors align and deny the actual sources and have me stuck on pills …&nbsp;The whole thing is just a mess.&nbsp;Im oalmost 40 years old and theres not a shred of justice here and to have it go this way.. nobody helped.. the pains got worse and worse because I never escaped this apartment and my my parents were just rich people may whole life that spent on them and found ways to make it look like they cared for me but lied and omitted all details everything was just to paint a picture.Theres nothing left to do now except just accept again and yeah its a horrible story that this went on so long and not a single person would show me any mercy or compassion. After so many years of these two people controlling my life knowing I couldn’t make money on my own and what they did to make me bedridden so often..&nbsp;&nbsp;Im so tired. And im so tired of being abused and denied and ignored..&nbsp;&nbsp;Its such a tragedy… all the time wasted. Everything I served through.. and my parents and nobody could just help me move to a place I could record from? Through all this pain.. the one thing.. and I believe it would have been something a lot of people would have liked to hear .. something very deep and genuine that is rare..&nbsp;&nbsp;What else can I say? Or do? It goes so much deeper than this and my understanding is so deep .. makes it so hard because I see so many steps ahead and the inversion is so deep that its like .. its the hardest thing to deal with - the psychological abuse aspects of this are so bad.. because it is that extreme gaslit feeling and&nbsp; true craziness. I deserved far better treatment, not abuse… in the guise of “help”.. thats always my mom.. saying she loves or helps but hurts and hates..&nbsp;&nbsp;Theres only so much a person can do, and no one can blame me for reaching the logical conclusion. My parents are monsters. I didn’t have to be stuck in this place for the last six months, the entirety of winter - all the time gone and things set in place this way - I reached out to my mom and I documented how she treated me and proved again her denial and omissions of truth etc.&nbsp; The least that could be done to help me live comfortably- needed to be done… but my parents denied me like always.. pretending they’re good people but are the furthest thing from it.. I’ve faced pure evil my whole life..&nbsp;&nbsp;Its just sick..&nbsp;Turned out to be right.. and never got credit or a chance.. just evil people that piled on me more.. like my mother.. and used the amount of abuse to overwhelm me and gaslight me to make me seem crazy.. its all so evil.&nbsp;&nbsp;To make someone live with such anger too… logical earned anger… and to force someone to live like that… no compassion no mercy no understanding.. no anything but more wrong..&nbsp;&nbsp;Evil.. evil.. evil.. evil.. evil../&nbsp;&nbsp;Jist evil. I never had a chance. Because they had full control.&nbsp;&nbsp;I should have had control and I could have prevented my parents from doing what they did to me… over and over again.. even the last two years.. even the last six months.. I could have prevented so much. I could have saved myself from such torture.. at least to that degree.. but nobody would help me move or help with the smallest things. Instead my mom says I should be thankful to live to experience only pain because she’s an absolute monster and as long as she isn’t feeling pain then it doesn’t matter.&nbsp;&nbsp;Every time I would find hope my parents would take it from me.&nbsp;What can I do now when I can barely walk anymore half the time due to the perineum and so much is physically wrong and its all interconnected.. and nobody would listen to me.. my parents denied me the most yet again in the last texts and I documented that well again.&nbsp;&nbsp;My whole life I did the work and I documented and I did all the right things and I just got fucked over and over again. They’re abusers.. liars.. experts at manipulating and gaslighting and making you go in circles.. maddening.. thats just who my parents are and I’ve never met a worse case in my life.. I’ve never met anyone I hated or that caused me any type of pain the same way .. I could never be angry at anyone else because no one could ever treat me so badly..&nbsp;&nbsp;I should have either had a way to live or to die.. not begging for some decency in either direction.. and getting nothing. I worked every angle.. I tried to do everything and my parents still treated me like shit and lied about things and still going around lying.. and im living just suffering.. and did all I could to leave and use the last time of my life and still couldn’t get out of here to just simply live my purpose.. no support.. none. I didn’t need anything but to move to a place I could do it from, thats all. It was simple. Just like 25 years ago it was simple. But I never got any support from my parents only the opposite. And then they’d lie and lie and lie about every detail.. still doing it.. and nobody cares…&nbsp;Nobody cares..&nbsp;I am a very very hard worker and disciplined person.. the opposite of my mother and father.. they just pretend.. they’re very lazy and just watching tv all day and always been so stupid and combined with all the worst traits.. they’re just fakes. So many people in this world are fake. You don’t get someone real like me without going through it.. badly..&nbsp;&nbsp;And knowing my parents will always play this angle as long as they’re alive is — its just terrible to know your parents are that evil they’ll always omit the details and lie and portray you a certain way.. they’re just monsters. I never had a chance that way.&nbsp;&nbsp;And combined with sick people in the medical field that would just deny every word I said just like my parents and treat me that way.. just horrible. All ganged up on me as a kid and no doubt they would all do the same now. These are sick disturbed people that have no problem making anything up at the expense of someone else. I didn’t deserve any of this. And id been living already with a penis that didn’t work for over 20 years from the pills they put me on .. never got to have a real relationship because I didn’t even know what it felt like after age 15. Two years of normalcy.. then zero for the rest of my life.. before I even had a relationship.. I was healthy enough before that.. everything .. it was all preventable.. my parents just forced it on me.. all of it. And just deny deny deny.. im the problem somehow.. I was logical the entire time.. everything was as it would be in response..&nbsp;&nbsp;Nobody listens to me.. nobody cares. Nobody fucking held my parents accountable or the doctors.. nobody listened to me.&nbsp;&nbsp;Its like the crazy people have been running the asylum. My mother has diagnosed mental issues but all she could do is project and demonize me point at me.. same with my father.. maddening circles of illogical shit that&nbsp; I’ve never encountered with anyone else.. thats my parents.. I’ve only experienced this with people with severe personality disorders..&nbsp;&nbsp;I was badly abused to have to interact with this every day.. like nothing but gaslighting and weird behavior.. and my brain just doing all it can to find some ways to navigate all of this so many years later.. and when I was that patient and that strong to keep it inside and keep going like this..&nbsp;&nbsp;Nobody cares and nacres .. not really.. people would genuinely help not “help” and hurt instead or make this continue for another ten years and another.. when it turned out that I was right all along, about everything.&nbsp;&nbsp;Ive known what works and what doesn’t work and I’ve had it right all along. I just had terribly selfish sick and generally severely undeveloped people for parents.. Ive seen everything through and learned everything so many times over… and yet im looked at in an inverse way from the reality of who I am.. and rooted from my own parents.. its all very demonic - that inversion of good and evil and truth and lies…&nbsp;&nbsp;I didn’t deserve any of this. I could have been given anything to help me live comfortably … but nothing .. always… nothing.. no mercy no compassion no logic nothing right… yet I knew the entire time.&nbsp;Couldn’t have been a worse way to torture me. And my mom will still call it all love.&nbsp;

I woke up with the thought of Sonam Wangchuk's days long fasting protest in Ladakh….Not sure If I was dreaming about that but the first conscious thought on waking up in morning today was that !…..I was feeling a rage inside, Ladakh's vulnerable environment is in danger, a man has been fasting for so long, the entire Ladakhi community is on road protesting and there is zero coverage in mainstream media, the central government is anyway purposefully turning a deaf ear but how the people call themselves journalists can stoop that low !! The mineral reach Ladakh / Hasdeo forest in Chhattisgarh reminds me of the movie Avatar, how corporate and politicians are ready to have blood on their hands for money !!I wrote in some newspaper pages, put some comments here and there…observed the turmoil in the minds went on for so long !I often get raged with social injustice…I try to remind myself that this is how the world runs but the sorrow affects me a lot, saddens me to very personal level, I feel outraged towards the institutions that are causing it !Do I identify myself with the victims ? Somewhere some how that rage of not being able to defend myself as a child, the role of the parents as mute spectator…..I guess I identify myself with the victims and the parents or the perpetrators with institutions… What I could not do back then, I try to give that justice to them now, in my head !

Today I messaged to my ex to share about the things happening in my life as a friend. He is already married and his wife knows about us. He said he is free &amp; called me.. I started speaking casually by asking about their well being...We don't have the habit of speaking regularly but whenever something good / bad happens we share with each other. We always wish the best for each other.Similarly, I messaged in the pursuit of sharing my worries, thoughts. All my other friends are busy, occupied with their own lives. But it came to my notice that his wife is not comfortable if he speaks with me even though she is aware that we are just good friends and nothing beyond that.When she noticed that he is speaking with me she said that just like how she is sharing her worries with u even though as a friend .. Shall I do the same about u both talking to each other with others...Honestly, I was shocked &amp; couldn't process it for sometime. I was literally at loss of words with the understanding and immaturity I have noticed. I just felt bad, embarrassed at how people think about me. So I informed my ex that I am not gonna call again and disturb them in any situation.Post sometime I realized that I am dejected, more depressed than embarrassed as he has been my close friend for almost a decade now. Now I think I lost a very good friend. May be if any girl is possessive about his guy would react in the same way I guess...&nbsp;It's hard to have a friend be it a girl or guy whom we can call at anytime of the day without any restrictions to share our feelings... I badly miss having a friend like that...

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