tu hoti to kya baat hotitu hoti to zindagi kitni haseen hotitujh bin sab khali khali sa lagta haitu nahi to kuch nahi &nbsp;aisa nahi ke kuch nahi hai mere passab hai magar kuch khaas nahi haizindagi hai, magar jine ka swad nahi haitu hoti to kya baat hoti &nbsp;tujhe pal pal yaad karta hun maintu dil ke paas hai magar paas nahi haitu hoti to aisa hota, tu hoti to waisa hotatu hoti to ye hota, tu hoti to wo hotatu hoti ti kya baat hoti &nbsp;zindagi jita hun main, magar sab adhura sa lagta haipehle paisa nahi tha, khwab thayab paisa bahut hai, magar swad nahi haitu hoti to kya baat hoti &nbsp;tu hoti to kya baat hotitu hoti to kya hi baat hotitu hoti to kya ghazab baat hoti &nbsp;

Tu hoti to

Why life is so complicated.Life is only one. What's the purpose of life, if we are not happy. I have seen my parents fighting, they were not happy with each other. That made us, as their children, unhappy.&nbsp;If you are living with a person with whom you are not feeling good, what is the purpose then. Why on earth you are living with them.If that person has harmed you for 10-12 years. Made you feel bad all the time, dominated you al the time, did not respect you at all. Will you forget their past, would you move on.Very difficult for me. I'm not able to digest. I'm not able to live like this.I don't want to die like this.&nbsp;The questions are:<ul><li>why this life</li><li>why not break-up</li><li>wht would happen to kids</li><li>will this end on happy note</li><li>will i live happy after that</li><li>should i care about my parents now, who will feel bad about our breakup. Afterall, its my life. Why people live someone else's life.</li></ul>&nbsp;I always think, the day, I will by dying. I will be thinking, I could change my life. I did not take harsh decisions. Now, I'm dying. I had no happy life. I did not live with the people I loved. I lived with someone, who didn't like me, I didn't like her. And, we lived because “What people will think of us”, “How would parents feel”.All this is bull-shit, societal pressure.&nbsp;The stress is too much. We easily switch jobs when we do not like it. Why not partners? Why this is made so complicated.Yesterday she asked, why you are not talking to me. And she was like, when I talk to people that you sleep in separate room, their reaction is like WHAT! I said, I'm sleeping like this from past few years. You are thinking this now as what others think? She was in mood of amending things. But, there is something dead from inside. I have no feelings for her, absolutely zero. I have told her this many times ago. I did not say it this time.A relation builds up in initial days. She screwed it every single day. I have mentioned this before as well. When you think of some person, you have some picture in your mind, or some attribute. If I have to think about her, it's her angry face, egoistic voice, dominating nature. Nothing else.&nbsp;I don't know when was the last time, I did talk to her what I'm feeling. She did make fun of my failures, she insulted me in my initial poor days, she never motivated me, she never stood with me in my low times. She betrayed me, she abused my parents, always made me guilty of small things that she does. She is happy till the time, I'm spending on her.&nbsp;Now, I have become an irritated person. I become easily irritated.&nbsp;&nbsp;

I cried while commuting today

Either you don't invite people to your functions, or if you are inviting people, then invite them well.

I have encountered many situations where its kind of problematic situation whether to go or not. The other person has not invited well.

So, the person is Raman, a distant relative. I don't even has his mobile number in my phone. There is a marriage function of his son. He invited my brother well, who lives in other city. Now, he is coming in Noida, and asked if he invited you. 

That person sent me a whatsapp message, which contains only a pdf. No Hi/hello, No other message. The person has not even his profile photo in whatsapp. I generally ignored these kind of messages. And, I ignored it.

My brother asked, whether you got the card. I said no. I checked, that. invitation was his. I also did not even reply, as if I would reply he might put a message to come. 

But, this is very bad practice of inviting people like this.

A well invited invitation means, at least you call the invitee, and asked him/her to come. What do you mean by a whatsapp message. You are completing your duty, so that when someone asked you did not invite, you will say I have invited. WTF.

I got a call few days back in evening. It was not hearable at all. I could recognise him, and said Namastay. I said repeatedly, your voice is not coming. He simply cut the call, and did not call. I waited for his call.

OK, next morning, I called him back at around 11. He said, bete ki saai hai. I said, Many congrats. And, he again cut the call.

He never said a single time, that you are invited or you have to come. How can someone go like this. 

An Uninvited Invitation

Although, this is my hobby project, and I'm thinking of going ahead in this.

Today, I bought another name: lifeinreel.com

I have some ideas in this space. Lets see.

Lifeintext Next - Life in Pics/Videos

Today, I called to Ali, plumber for fixing something at house. A lady picked up the phone, and asked for confirmation.

She was about to cry, she said, unka to intkal ho gaya (He is dead). I was shocked, I asked how. It was an accident. I could not say anything to her. After few seconds pause, I just said acha! Cut the call. Shocked! Life is so unpredictable.

Plumber Ali is no more

I booked a ticket for Drishyam-2. I wanted to watch this, but Kanika was not here. I went alone for the movie, in theatre. It was feeling awkward in theatre. But, I enjoyed a lot.

The movie was really awesome. In 2nd half, when the suspense broke. It was completely shocked to see the kind of preparedness shown by the hero. I wanted to clap.

After the movie, I had lunch at Haldiram. I took a thali, and also took Jalebi for me. Mistakenly I bought larger portion of Jalebi. When I took that, I asked him to pack it half. But, he gave me the full box. I was not feeling comfortable to eat that big box there alone. So, I ate that in Taxi.

BTW, Kanika took the car to her home. So, I came here in Taxi. It was a good day.

And and and, after returning. I watched the Malyalam version too, with english subtitles.

Watching Drishyam was a treat

I recently took a new dedicated server. I did talk to lot of vendors. Finally, I did settle for one. It cost around 70K for an year. It was a costly one, but with dedicated one I hope to get good performance.

As soon as I get the server, within 2 days I migrated all of my websites to this. The new migration I did around my websites, really helped me quickly migration. I was feeling proud of myself. I did many things in server too, in quick succession. That gave me lot of confidence, which I needed for sure.

New dedicated server for Planndesign and other websites

I was eagerly waiting for the shutdown. I was exhausted by office-office.

Kanika also went to her home with kids. So, it was a nice time to spend time alone. Much needed.

First half went into improving Planndesign. Then, I started work for VizitSure, my new venture. 

Also, I did watch a lot of movies. I also went to watch Drishyam movie in theatre alone. It was an awesome movie.

Last 3 days were spent at in-laws house. We went to see a girl for Shivam.

I also did some deep-thinking about the future.

Adobe Shutdown 2022-23

I went home, and Bhavika played this song in Alexa. And, she showed so much love to me. She sat with me, and kept hugging me. It was so heart touching. I almost cried.

Kanika told me that she played this song today, and she became fan of this. She kept playing this the whole day.

Sabse Pyara kaun hai.... Papa... Mere Papa...

She is usually very fond of doing swing. But, I used to push her on the jhula.

After dinner, 2 days back, she wanted to goto park to enjoy her swing ride. It was already around 9:30, and I wanted to go back home. I asked her to go back home. But, as usual, she denied.

I started moving towards home, and asking her to leave. Then, what I saw was something amazing. She started doing it by herself. And, she was enjoying much. She shouted to show us that she is doing it by herself. We could not ask her after seeing that.

And, she was doing pretty well, so fluent. 

I loved being parent in noticing these minor developments in kids.

Bhavika Started Doing Swing Jhula by her Own - #firsttime

I pick him from school when his classes finishes at around 12:30 PM. As I reach his school, I handed over the escort card to guards. I kept waiting for him, and kept rolling my eyes in school, searching for him. Sometimes, I started worried when he won't come in few minutes.

When I get a sight of his, I always smile saying there is our hero. I think every parent think of same, I'm just writing my emotion here.

I hold his heavy bag, and asked him the usual question: How was the day? Did you do fun?

Taking Daksh from School - Happy to see him

Hey x,In recent months, I've developed a habit of reading the newspaper as a change of pace in my daily routine as well as to learn something new. In retrospect, it seemed helpful at the time, but as time passed, I realized I had a pessimistic outlook on life in general. My approach to doing things and communicating with people is based on whether there is anything in it for me.&nbsp;Whether I was checking the headlines about local events or observing general headlines, I always sought the most abhorrent and emotionally provoking stories. Whether it was murder cases and accident victims, assault cases, or corrupt politicians, I left no stone unturned.&nbsp;Overexposing the brain to unmounted levels of similar news every day, I slowly started becoming desensitized to it. People die every day, so why bother trying for the limited time you'll live? I felt myself losing hope and inspiration.Even now, I recall flipping through the pages of TOI, as my heart sank deeper reading about the 23 people who succumbed to death. 9 of them passed away due to a road accident, and 7 more crashed head-first into a bus. 6 more died while conducting repair work on the railway electrical lines, they were charred to death. In just the last few days, a 16-year-old girl, barely my age, met her untimely demise at the hands of a monster, who stabbed her over 20 times while repeatedly smashing her face with a brick.She was robbed of her life. I can't fathom the pain and terror she must have experienced in her last moments. It's heartbreaking and I can't help but think her life really mattered to those around her, who were living witnesses to the ongoing homicide. At our cores, we're just wired to put ourselves, our well-being, and our gains before anybody else.&nbsp;Delhi sure has become the hotspot for all freak accidents and other reported killings. It just proves that we're living behind a façade. Our houses which are supposed to be our ‘safe haven’, as well as the town and locality that bustles with daily life, none of that really matters. We're just deluding ourselves to think that it's going to be another bright sunny day.Having a pessimistic mentality has taken a toll on my relationship with my parents, my friends, and all my close peers about me. Despite all that even though it might take years to grow out of this mentality, it'll still be more fruitful than the efforts that our country has been putting in for the welfare and security of its citizens.1:30 PM, 1th May 23'Yours trulyRJK&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;

1 May 23'

A thought came to my mind today that i havent watched a movie for a long time, i should watch one. But then i thought i havent got time for a movie, got a thesis to submit for now and some things to be read. Then i remembered my daily life and thought anyways every day is a movie for me. Its a movie where im not the protagonist or the star. Each day i get to see a new story from my patients, each day is a continuing story of a follow up patient, so many things happening in their lives, seeing so many emotions in a day. Nah i dont need to watch movies.&nbsp;Goodnight folksBe inspired and stay hungry.

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Life is a movie

I am done.&nbsp;I have broken a heart. I eat,sleep,masturbate, and repeat. And do nothing more. I am a disappointment for everyone. It's just that I have a good mind for academics and excel in it due to which my mom and dad are somewhat happy with me otherwise it was a lot better for them if i didn't exist. I am their firstborn. My mother has confessed that she wanted a girl because a girl could have done all the house chores for her just as she had to do for her mom. My father has confessed that as soon as i came into existence, my mother directed all the love towards me due to which slowly and steadily my parents started fighting a lot to the point that now they can divorce each other any time if a big fight occurs.&nbsp;I broke the heart of my love. I loved her and still do. I love her a lot. But… it's my foolish behaviour which resulted in miscommunications and misunderstandings by my mom who eventually (for the safety of my future) thought that the girl isn't good.&nbsp;I might not fully deny what my mom says. It is maybe the teenage foolish behaviour which makes me and her this way or maybe something else. But I love her. I am unable to accept a reality in which i am in love with someone else. I have had a theory that i create chaos and disturbance in every person's life who is associated with me and with time this theory has been proved correct. Today, all i have is a good academic, good parents( as in parental relationship, which is declining with the increase of my mother's anger levels), and some spiritual knowledge(which i have keen interest in ).I am.. finished. I might be able to get over my feelings for her and maybe in future accept someone else as my love. Maybe I would be able to recover from the childhood trauma I have gotten from the fights of my parents. But I am tired. I am fucking tired pls stop. It's too difficult to write this .&nbsp;

I dont want to live anymore.

Have you ever regretted having being passionate for the diagnosis even though you knew it carries a dismal prognosis for the patient. We have all felt it at some point in our medical journey. But you should remember that it is the passion for human diseases that has motivated us to learn and grow in this field. Without this passion you wouldnt have been able to acquire the knowledge that you did during this period, and thus being able to treat patients better now !

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Medicine

Knowing how to handle and manage your feelings is very important in life. I have been fortunate at this because i am able to manage my feelings with an altruistic thought process. Books like Man's Search For Meaning and growing up admiring the purity and philosophy of Ramayana has helped me immensely in this. I just want to make sense of my feelings first and that is the most difficult part &nbsp;for me- "Making sense of feelings". Once you have done that then we need to realise that Life is a learning process and we want to Make lives of others around us better. Then whatever bad happens will be a learning event and we will find contention in realising that whatever you will do will be for the greater good of people. Things get sorted out as soon as this is done.Some would argue why bother to learn as life is finite and will end one day and In the End It doesnt even matter! But my response would be whatever i do in my lifetime would make some peoples' &nbsp;lives better and before i die i will write books so that someone might find an answer they were always searching for through my answer.&nbsp;Thats all folksHave a good dayStay inspired.

Taking Daksh from School - Happy to see him

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