My message to J

 I struggle with, well, just being normal. OK, so I know that being
normal is overrated at times and that some people wish they weren’t oh so
normal, but sometimes being different gets old too.  

I can’t take the full amount of thyroid medication my body needs and I
don’t know that I ever will. I can’t treat my high cholesterol and therefore I
may never reach an advanced age. I can’t sleep at night every night. I have a
driving phobia I never could conquer. I have a deformed ear that looks worse
than it did before they dismantled the frame and drilled the canal in 1995 to
make sure I didn’t have a tumor when I complained of discomfort (turns out it
was the frame and skin that couldn’t shed itself that was trapped inside).  

I have a husband I love dearly and wouldn’t trade for the world but had
a low appetite and could never perform normally and therefore I had a joke of a
sex life back when I had an actual libido before menopause. Although it worked
out for the best in the end, I couldn’t conceive when I wanted to because of
the DES I was exposed to in utero (a drug mothers at risk of miscarriage were
given back in the 60s). I’ve always believed that a woman should have the right
to choose TO have a child as well as NOT to.  

But I was denied that and other basic human rights. At least it sure
feels like that at times. I don’t know if it’s happenstance or something up
there that singled me out and decided to pick on me, but it does suck at times
when you’re so unique in a lot of ways. I just try to remind myself that on the
flip side, most people will never have someone who loves, gets, and accepts
them as they are as I do. I can learn almost any language I want. I’ve written
over 50 novels even if some of them are short stories. I got to be a pretty
good singer, even though I haven’t had any interest in music in centuries. I
learn quickly and can teach myself almost anything. I have been said to be very
intelligent in the things I remember, notice, and figure out on my own as long
as I stay away from numbers, LOL.  

Also, while I would have preferred a career of some kind, at least I
never had to worry about evil bosses or coworkers. Nor did we have to deal with
the hassles of two vehicles. Lastly, not having kids has given us the freedom of
really living life and experiencing different things. So I’m kind of caught in
a tug of war. I’m glad things worked out the way they did, but I hate not
having more freedom of choice. When a person has no freedom or the ability to
choose things that greatly impact them, it really sucks. 

I hope you and hubs are right in that I can eventually get my numbers
normal without the anxiety as long as I go slow, even though I don’t think I’ll
lose weight. No amount of busyness can get a pound to budge with me LOL. It’s
OK though. I know I would be healthier if I lost a little, but I spent most of
my youth skinny, I had my skinny days, so I don’t mind spending the rest of it
on the fat side. Most older mammals pack on weight with age anyway.