Hey x,In recent months, I've developed a habit of reading the newspaper as a change of pace in my daily routine as well as to learn something new. In retrospect, it seemed helpful at the time, but as time passed, I realized I had a pessimistic outlook on life in general. My approach to doing things and communicating with people is based on whether there is anything in it for me.&nbsp;Whether I was checking the headlines about local events or observing general headlines, I always sought the most abhorrent and emotionally provoking stories. Whether it was murder cases and accident victims, assault cases, or corrupt politicians, I left no stone unturned.&nbsp;Overexposing the brain to unmounted levels of similar news every day, I slowly started becoming desensitized to it. People die every day, so why bother trying for the limited time you'll live? I felt myself losing hope and inspiration.Even now, I recall flipping through the pages of TOI, as my heart sank deeper reading about the 23 people who succumbed to death. 9 of them passed away due to a road accident, and 7 more crashed head-first into a bus. 6 more died while conducting repair work on the railway electrical lines, they were charred to death. In just the last few days, a 16-year-old girl, barely my age, met her untimely demise at the hands of a monster, who stabbed her over 20 times while repeatedly smashing her face with a brick.She was robbed of her life. I can't fathom the pain and terror she must have experienced in her last moments. It's heartbreaking and I can't help but think her life really mattered to those around her, who were living witnesses to the ongoing homicide. At our cores, we're just wired to put ourselves, our well-being, and our gains before anybody else.&nbsp;Delhi sure has become the hotspot for all freak accidents and other reported killings. It just proves that we're living behind a façade. Our houses which are supposed to be our ‘safe haven’, as well as the town and locality that bustles with daily life, none of that really matters. We're just deluding ourselves to think that it's going to be another bright sunny day.Having a pessimistic mentality has taken a toll on my relationship with my parents, my friends, and all my close peers about me. Despite all that even though it might take years to grow out of this mentality, it'll still be more fruitful than the efforts that our country has been putting in for the welfare and security of its citizens.1:30 PM, 1th May 23'Yours trulyRJK&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;

1 May 23'

A thought came to my mind today that i havent watched a movie for a long time, i should watch one. But then i thought i havent got time for a movie, got a thesis to submit for now and some things to be read. Then i remembered my daily life and thought anyways every day is a movie for me. Its a movie where im not the protagonist or the star. Each day i get to see a new story from my patients, each day is a continuing story of a follow up patient, so many things happening in their lives, seeing so many emotions in a day. Nah i dont need to watch movies.&nbsp;Goodnight folksBe inspired and stay hungry.

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Life is a movie

I am done.&nbsp;I have broken a heart. I eat,sleep,masturbate, and repeat. And do nothing more. I am a disappointment for everyone. It's just that I have a good mind for academics and excel in it due to which my mom and dad are somewhat happy with me otherwise it was a lot better for them if i didn't exist. I am their firstborn. My mother has confessed that she wanted a girl because a girl could have done all the house chores for her just as she had to do for her mom. My father has confessed that as soon as i came into existence, my mother directed all the love towards me due to which slowly and steadily my parents started fighting a lot to the point that now they can divorce each other any time if a big fight occurs.&nbsp;I broke the heart of my love. I loved her and still do. I love her a lot. But… it's my foolish behaviour which resulted in miscommunications and misunderstandings by my mom who eventually (for the safety of my future) thought that the girl isn't good.&nbsp;I might not fully deny what my mom says. It is maybe the teenage foolish behaviour which makes me and her this way or maybe something else. But I love her. I am unable to accept a reality in which i am in love with someone else. I have had a theory that i create chaos and disturbance in every person's life who is associated with me and with time this theory has been proved correct. Today, all i have is a good academic, good parents( as in parental relationship, which is declining with the increase of my mother's anger levels), and some spiritual knowledge(which i have keen interest in ).I am.. finished. I might be able to get over my feelings for her and maybe in future accept someone else as my love. Maybe I would be able to recover from the childhood trauma I have gotten from the fights of my parents. But I am tired. I am fucking tired pls stop. It's too difficult to write this .&nbsp;

I dont want to live anymore.

Have you ever regretted having being passionate for the diagnosis even though you knew it carries a dismal prognosis for the patient. We have all felt it at some point in our medical journey. But you should remember that it is the passion for human diseases that has motivated us to learn and grow in this field. Without this passion you wouldnt have been able to acquire the knowledge that you did during this period, and thus being able to treat patients better now !

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Medicine

Knowing how to handle and manage your feelings is very important in life. I have been fortunate at this because i am able to manage my feelings with an altruistic thought process. Books like Man's Search For Meaning and growing up admiring the purity and philosophy of Ramayana has helped me immensely in this. I just want to make sense of my feelings first and that is the most difficult part &nbsp;for me- "Making sense of feelings". Once you have done that then we need to realise that Life is a learning process and we want to Make lives of others around us better. Then whatever bad happens will be a learning event and we will find contention in realising that whatever you will do will be for the greater good of people. Things get sorted out as soon as this is done.Some would argue why bother to learn as life is finite and will end one day and In the End It doesnt even matter! But my response would be whatever i do in my lifetime would make some peoples' &nbsp;lives better and before i die i will write books so that someone might find an answer they were always searching for through my answer.&nbsp;Thats all folksHave a good dayStay inspired.

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Making sense of Feelings

Firstly, I want to thank God , I was in a much better place compared to last year's April. Always start with thanksgiving.&nbsp;Secondly, God has been speaking to me through the pastor's sermon. I am loved by God and I am not a mistake. I was deeply touched by God last Sunday's sermon. The reason was that I was very vulnerable last Saturday and shared openly with Joanne that I was a mistake to begin with and I made very serious mistakes. I felt like an utter failure in life. I am like one foot step in God's world and other foot in the secular world, fighting off suicidal tendencies and negativity. Depression made me feel all is hopeless and grey. I saw no way out.&nbsp;Then God spoke very clearly the very next day. The pastor said “ There is someone who felt very hopeless. God wants to change your name. You may feel like you have made so many mistakes but I can help you ” Then in the middle of the sermon, he stopped and asked everyone to sing this song.&nbsp;<h3><a href="https://www.invubu.com/music/show/song/D.J.-Butler/I-Will-Change-Your-Name.html">I Will Change Your Name</a></h3>&nbsp;I will change your name You shall no longer be called Wounded, outcast Lonely or afraid I will change your name Your new name shall be Confidence, joyfulness Overcoming one Faithfulness, friend of God One who seeks my face.As we sang, in my vision, I saw the younger me holding His hands. I felt the raw wounds were applied by His balm via this song. I felt I was in a better mental state. Yup.&nbsp;

Reflection

Have been working late non stop for the past 3 nights for 2 close students. So when I woke up, the pressure starts to mount. Their school teacher is unreasonable , testing them way beyond they are supposed to bear and they are cracking up, especially Chloe. So I had to be the feisty cheerleader to cheer and coach them. But I am cracking up as well. The sleep quality has not been good. I forced myself to go to NTUC to do some groceries and walked a bit to absorb a bit of sunshine. Plugging into worship songs does help. I saw a mom with an infant. Tears were brimming in my eyes. I tune in back into worship songs. Past memories began creeping at the door, trying to remind my fatal mistakes. I cannot afford to ruminate else depression will deepen. &nbsp;When mom asked how am I , I was hesitant. Where to start? How to start? God , help me.&nbsp;

Feeling vulnerable

The students' sharing of the timetable kinda of shook me yesterday. I was caught unprepared. The school teacher decided to drive the students up to the wall by testing 5 topics at one shot. Ridiculous. &nbsp;Anxiety immediately surged and I started to work for today's curriculum last night, ended up sleeping poorly. I woke up a couple of times, having patches of sleep once again. I looked bloated. I simply threw everything in a rice cooker for my dinner. Too tired to do anything.Dear Heavenly Father, I surrender my anxieties and stress to You. I cannot hold any longer. Take this burden, O Lord. Help me how to plan the lessons to help the students to pass and excel so that I can bear good testimony. Also, I ask for Your favour for the renwal of the contract with the landlord in May. &nbsp;IN Jesus name I pray

Anxiety and stress starts to mount

Dear inner child, are you wounded? If so, submit yourself to God. Are you in great pain, guilt, shame and condemnation just pervades in your life? Let God hold your hand and surrender all these negative pervasive thoughts to God. Does the devil whisper, you are absolutely hopeless, total failure and end your life? If so, shut his mouth in the name of Jesus. Healing comes in layers, is not a linear journey. When you accept the pain, surrender them to God, and cry out in humility for Him, God will work wonders. So, dear child, come to Jesus.&nbsp;&nbsp;Dear Heavenly Father, help me. That is all I could utter . I surrender this wounded and bashed child within me to YOU. Heal me and restore and redeem me according to Your purpose. IN the most almighty name of Jesus Christ I pray

Dear inner child

I cried yesterday as I texted Joanne, pouring out my guilt, shame and condemnation on how my parents selflessly sacrifice themselves for me. My mom moved into a room full of stocks and I can finally have my own space. I felt a huge sense of relief. My dad and his worker were packing the entire day and took out the entire shelf so that my mom's bed could be slotted there. When I woke up, I felt so different and recharged for the first time. I was excited that I can rearrange my room.

A good night sleep and own private space is so essential for my own mental health

Recently listen a podcast which describes thick and thin desires that every person has. Thick desires are those which we want from deep within without any external influence, while thin desires are things which we want because others have them too. Sometimes, we do not relize our thick desires unles we get them. It is the thin desires that we kept on chasing all our life.&nbsp;When I thought deeply about my thick desires, I realized a lot of my current engagements and activities turned out to be thin. Then what exactly I reallly want.What I have learned from the the book ATOMIC HABITS, it is the system that matters most than the goals. However, I believe a system, which I have been personally nurturing for years is nothing without a goal. During my family vacations in a secluded resort in South GOA, my thick desires came back afloat for a retirement home in a peaceful place on mountains or on a beach, where I would die reading books. Yes, die reading books.But consideing my finances, is it possible. First thing First, everything is possible if you put enough efforts for it. Secondly, my goal is to start the process of buying/building this home in 10 years from now. That is at the age of 62. So I have enogh time to work on my finances and settle my kids in between. …… &nbsp;&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;&nbsp;

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THICK & THIN DESIRES - 1

It has been a long while since I pen my thoughts. I felt indignant. I just bought the new tingkat , washed and waiting for it to dry and use. It looks nice, shiny and beautiful. The next day I saw my mom chucking the tingkat in a corner, which I had not asked her to do so. To my horror, the lid to the 3rd one disappeared. She always do things halfway, if she had transferred all the tingkat pieces , perhaps the lid might not have disappeared. The tingkat pieces are scattered everywhere, up in the dishrack, on the shelf. Basically, she has only goldfish memory and I have to pick her pieces. I exploded at her and questioned her where she has misplaced it. As usual, she said she didnt keep. That infuriate me further. I released my anger by smashing everything in sight.There is only 1 person, which is me doing chores and my mom who tries to do chores but fail. I just left everything to dry on the dishrack, there is no way that the tingkat pieces could fly to the shelf. I did not ask her to do so as I know pieces of tingkat would be missing. I prayed, God, help me, I need to find it. But I could not find it. I was super upset. Hatred , bitterness and resentment arose in my heart. An insidious thought grew. Shall I stabbed myself and return my life to her? I couldnt take her nonsense any longer. I asked Joanne, am I utter mistake? Hot scalding tears flow down my face right now. My dad told me to find again. I lost it. I stayed outside until 11pm last night while chatting with Joanne. Mom, you do know I am alive because of prayers , right? Else I would be dead last year.My dad tried to call and leave a message. I refused to pick up.&nbsp;Dear God, Help me. That is the only prayer I could utter right now.

Is it my fault?

Is it okay to tell you that I miss our deep conversations, even if you're no longer mine? What we had was not only romantic relationship, but we created an amazing friendship together. All the emotions that we shared, the laughters and the tears. We supported each other in our lowest point in life. I miss how we talk about everything tirelessly that we couldn't notice the time. It always amazed me how you could listen to all my rants about things around us and still gave a calm and beautiful advise and opinion. I miss everything about you. I can still remember exactly the details of you. Your eyes when you smile, your eyebrows when you're mad, the way you laugh, the way you sway your arms. I remember everything. We could talk about almost everything you know, from stars to religion to political and even all the nonsense. You used to tell your feelings to me when you're sad. I was your comforter and you're mine. But sadly all these things ended, and right now it's my arms you're leaning on. It's not my heart you're sharing with you thoughts and feelings. It ended, and it made me sad.&nbsp;

Miss you

I am 27, but I feel like I'm looking older.I am supposed to go to the office today. I already put on my makeup (just a little bit cos I just started to do makeup in this past few days), dressed up, then lied to call in sick because I didn't feel like going out at the last moment. So I stayed in my apartment, put on more makeup to my eyes and wore the reddest lipstick. I decided to take my phone to take a picture of what I've done to my face, excited to see if the makeup makes me prettier, but just got disappointed cos I looked old. It was a little bit because of the makeup and the stressed eye in the camera. Disappointed. I turned off my camera. Worked from home for a while. Went to my partner's room for a hug and a rant. “I am getting old”, “I don't wanna get old”, “I'm scared, my skin is gonna get saggy”, these were the rants I made. He told me that it's okay, you are still pretty. Kind words, but I still felt sad. Went back to my room to work. Watched the remaining scenes of 2521 kdrama. Made me even feel sadder cos it's about getting older and changing. So I decided to write my own diary just to write whatever, whenever, however.&nbsp;I still feel old.&nbsp;

I feel older today... again

Either you don't invite people to your functions, or if you are inviting people, then invite them well.

I have encountered many situations where its kind of problematic situation whether to go or not. The other person has not invited well.

So, the person is Raman, a distant relative. I don't even has his mobile number in my phone. There is a marriage function of his son. He invited my brother well, who lives in other city. Now, he is coming in Noida, and asked if he invited you. 

That person sent me a whatsapp message, which contains only a pdf. No Hi/hello, No other message. The person has not even his profile photo in whatsapp. I generally ignored these kind of messages. And, I ignored it.

My brother asked, whether you got the card. I said no. I checked, that. invitation was his. I also did not even reply, as if I would reply he might put a message to come. 

But, this is very bad practice of inviting people like this.

A well invited invitation means, at least you call the invitee, and asked him/her to come. What do you mean by a whatsapp message. You are completing your duty, so that when someone asked you did not invite, you will say I have invited. WTF.

I got a call few days back in evening. It was not hearable at all. I could recognise him, and said Namastay. I said repeatedly, your voice is not coming. He simply cut the call, and did not call. I waited for his call.

OK, next morning, I called him back at around 11. He said, bete ki saai hai. I said, Many congrats. And, he again cut the call.

He never said a single time, that you are invited or you have to come. How can someone go like this. 

An Uninvited Invitation

Although, this is my hobby project, and I'm thinking of going ahead in this.

Today, I bought another name: lifeinreel.com

I have some ideas in this space. Lets see.

Lifeintext Next - Life in Pics/Videos

When I see most people around me I feel that they are much better than me. I am not being self deprecating here. I have started an online diary hoping that it would give me a reprieve from reality and I don't care how sick this sounds anymore.

Its funny how you care about others, want to show them that you care but since you suck at that its no use and they believe that you feel nothing. devoid. no care not an inkling of consideration for them.

I wish I could change myself. Really I wouldn't mind it at all! But life's the way it is. I have so many things to do. A truckload of things really. But sometimes its tough to go on. I can't stop myself from quitting though. Its probably because of my need for perfection. I am not bragging or anything like that. Its just that I always have this pressure to be the good girl, good daughter and I fail in all those things. So the only thing left is good grades.

13 Jan 2023- Stifled

I need help. I need affirmations from my parents, godparents and my close friends. I just need tender loving care. I am thankful for great O level successes yesterday. But I am experiencing extreme fatigue. God, help.

Prayers: Dear Heavenly Father, be with me. In the most precious name of Jesus Christ I pray

I need help

I was drawn to the korean drama starred by Sung Hye Kyo. She took 20 years to exact revenge on the people who bullied her. This is secular way of handling people who hurt. The counterintuitive Christian way of handling such matter is release, let go and let God handle. To be honest, I am a human being. I also want every single who, especially the secondary school teacher, the scammer and syndicate to be tormented, tortured, go to hell for eternity. But having said that, I have spoken the human , carnal and fleshy thought. That is definitely not what God wants. Why should my quality of life be destroyed due to these people for 24 years! 24 years of my life gone. These are the 2 major events that totally destroyed me, rip my heart, smashed into smithereens. I became so disgruntled and bitter about life , depression and suicidal soon followed. That is why I like the drama, it showcased the deepest thoughts that I have towards those who have hurt me and I can do something about it. 

Having said that, I want to move on in life. I dont want unforgiveness to chain me. I dont have anger, bitterness and resentment to hold me down any longer. God, where are you? 

Prayers: Dear Heavenly Father, help me. I surrender all these carnal, fleshy thoughts about those people who hurt me into Your hands. Rewire my mind through Your words, heal my smithereen heart with Your love. I choose to forgive them for You have forgiven me with Your grace and mercy. I want to let go anger, bitterness, resentment, hatred, guilt and shame. Be with me today, especially in tender moments of loneliness, pain and guilt. In the most precious name of Jesus Christ I pray 

What ending do I want for those who hurt me?

The Christian therapist shared:" Write one column of bad events that happened in your life and another column of good events that happened as well. "

I decided to just write one for both as I am in a rush.

Bad : I lost my entire savings on 22 Jan 2022 due to a love scam and my mental health was badly affected and had suicidal tendecies from time to time.

Good: I know who supported me and walked me through the journey and who deserted and despised me. 

Prayers: Dear Heavenly Father, Help me. I want to paint different strokes and shades of colours in life. Be with me, In Jesus name I pray

My life - My canvas

Dream is a portal for me to escape the loneliness, the mundane, the pain, the anguish and the bored life. Today pain secretly sliced me a couple of times. My heart was bleeding. I dont know what to do.I tried to distract by plugging songs. Perhaps I should pray. I was so exhausted after teaching just now. I was literally crawling to the bus stop. I feel bored and restless. 

Dear Heavenly Father, be with me. When I feel pain, may You send forth angels to draw a hedge of protection over me. Heal my heart and grief go away! When I feel lonely, may a song of hope arises. When I feel bored, help me. In the most precious name of Jesus CHrist I pray

I have a dream : To meet a godly man and we serve together

I want to dream: To lead a healthy lifestyle where I can hang out with new friends, talk , walk and chat with one another

I need to dream: To pray fervently for the business to increase in numbers so that there is continuity and increase my faith in finances, able to pay rent and salaries and minister to students

I have a dream / I want to dream / I need to dream

Towards the scammer and syndicate, a stroke of emotions pierced my emotions canvas. A stroke of anger brushed across the canvas. I questioned God " Why? What did I do wrong? Why did the scammer devise such sinister plan? How could the scammer do this to me? How I wish he can go straight to hell. He should burn in eternity. The entire syndicate should burn in hell forever for they have inflicted so much pain and anguish to all the victims. One of the victims, the nurse is still going through hell, paying for her mistake. So am I. Why are the victims paying for a mistake and the wrongdoers can get away scot free!? God, where are you? Where is justice rendered? Where is the vindication ? Another stroke of hatred brushed furiously against the canvas.  " That is my first instant thought. I sighed. Hatred can blind and cloud my judgment. I am paralysed with the rollercoaster emotions. My canvas is filled different shades of red. I teared. 

Dear Heavenly Father, I choose to forgive the scammer and the syndicate for You have forgiven me. I choose to release the anger, bitterness, resentment ( towards them ) into Your hands. Heal my heart. I dont want to live in a world of pain and anguish , not even a single moment. Flood my heart with Your love, grace, mercy. Rebuild, restore and redeem my identity that is only built on Your words, Your love and Your presence. I want my life to live only for You, not immersing in mistakes that I have made. In the most precious name of Jesus Christ I pray 

Anger? Rage? Hatred? Bitterness? Regret? Pain? A palette of emotions

I want a day that is different from my yesterdays. It starts with today.

I have a dream. A dream only God can help to fulfil.

When I wake up, I feel refreshed, invigorated and rejuvenated. 

It is like as if electricity pulsated through my entire body. 

Holy Spirit is powering me like a superwoman , discarding the robe of depression, negativity and depression.

The joy of the Lord is my strength and is like a fountain bubbling within me.

I began praying fervently for myself, my family members and my friends. I began to pray whatever God has placed in my heart. 

My friends surrounds me and encourage me through prayers and messages. 

I take good care of myself in terms of diet and exercise. 

As I walk in the park, worship music permeates in my mind and heart and I began turbo charge even more. 

More parents sign up for the classes and my friend and I became financially stable. I do not need to fret over the rent and salaries. Financial worries do not plague me at all. 

My faith is secured in Christ and Christ alone. 

Perhaps I might meet the special one. The godly one. If God wills

In the most precious name of Jesus Christ I pray

Dream crafter

I couldnt wake up at all. I am exhausted. I tried to distract myself by eating breakfast and vacuuming and mopping the floors, clean up the respective rooms. I need God so much. Epson called and told me that they are unable to deliver my printer in time and I have to spend another day to wait for the service the printer. This means that I will miss my exercise routine 2 days in a row. It is not a good start for the week. I hate it when things dont go my way. I am thankful that there is a coloured printer for me to use just that my schedule is disrupted. It is annoying and frustrating. I need to spice things up in my life, in a good way of course. Not to turn to food, drugs, sex or any thing that destroy me in the long run. But I am clueless on how to turn my mundane life around. Depression saps me so much and I need God to help me to completely take it away.

Dear Heavenly Father, help me. I dont know what else to say or pray already. But my eyes are on You. Help me , O Lord, to see things from Your perspective. Help me to chase the heavy, dark feelings away and flood my heart with Your love , peace and hope. In the most precious name of Jesus Christ I pray