Hi there

My niece Ayush Gupta, who was studying in Noida from past 3 years got a job today.

I'm very happy for him. I prayed GOD for his job. He was a good student, although I knew that he is talented, but there is always a feat. What if he didn't get job.

All efforts are now sorted, got fruitful result. I remember, when he took admission in Lovely university, Punjab. I insisted his parents to admit their son to Noida. And, they agreed. It was a big decision then. As, they had done the admission, paid partial fees.

Today he called me, and I was super happy. I talked to her mom, my sister. And, I expressed my happiness. Although, I'm too bad in expressing any emotion. She said, its all because of me. She said, she cried hearing this news.

Ayush got Placed - Happy Moment

Few days back Ayush got a placement offer 

Today was his joining. I called him yesterday to know about his plans. I got a surprise when he said he is not joining and rejecting the offer.

- His mind is not giving him good signals

I was like, come on. You are taking a risk which may not be fruitful. It is the risk that he can not afford.

In evening, I also talked to Hitesh. And, he was also of the same opinion that he should have joined it.

And the thing he is not discussing these things with me. Where I was kind of involved much.

Ayush decided not to join the company!

Hitesh had to come to greater noida for a wedding event of his friend. He planned to meet in greater noida, with Ayush. I had no car, as Kanika took it her home. I took an Uber, reached there at Pari chowk. While waiting at Pari chowk, it reminded me of my old days, when I used to wait for bus in a crowded place. Now, the time has changed. Its a luxury, lets appreciate it. 

We went to some boring mall, and we had to goto Venice mall. We went there, and kept on talking about shitty things. When Hitesh and I talk, our direction move towards startups/life. I tried a lot not to talk about these things. But, when we talk, our direction goes there automatically.

Ayush must be thinking, what is wrong with these guys. Overall, it was a good time. 

We took some Nawabi chai from a small cafe: "Chai Le lo". And, the tea was really awesome, I forgot to take the pic. In lunch, we had chur-chur naan.

A meet with Hitesh and Ayush

I'm the kind of person who started journaling before I could form a proper sentence. It helps me process. It makes the world around me come together and make sense. Lately I've noticed, nothing is clear anymore. I'm looking at myself and thinking, "Who is that?" It has been years since I last sat down with my journal and cheap Bic pen and let it all out on those pages. This isn't for a lack of time or even laziness - I have so many great things to say, but those are not the things that I need to get out. The things I need to write about are terrible. Those crazy and raw thoughts that go through your mind. The complaints about life, God and humans. The "how the FUCK did I get here?" questions. I am so scared to put these thoughts on paper, get run over by a truck tomorrow and have the people I wrote about (the closest people to me) find it and those be the last things they read about themselves. That fear, as unlikely as it may seem, has kept me from writing. It has kept me from doing the one thing that works for me - the only thing that allows me to think, understand and move on. So - if you are offended by language, this isn't for you. If you are embarrassed by sex (or lack thereof), this isn't for you. If you like to hang with people who are like you, this isn't for you. I am like no one. I'm proud of that, but also, I hate that. Why is it that I need to be so different - why can't I just...blend in? You'll never understand me, but please do try. 

I am sparkly, but I am dark. I am happy, but I am sad. I am smiling, but it's fake. I am working, but I wish I wasn't. I am great at what I do, but I feel like a fraud. I love who I am, but I wish I was someone else. I am grateful, but I want more. I am religious, but I am bitter. I am laughing so I can make it to tomorrow. I will tell you all about it. One day at a time. 

Confessions of Dallas Girl

Since last few months, lot of oldies left Adobe, our team. Its a big blow to our team.

Ankit Rustagi left Adobe

Its an usual weekend, and we went to park to play. Some kids brought rabbit and birds in the park.

Bhavika was so happy to see them. Daksh and Bhavika both played with them.

Bhavika played with Rabbit

Pankaj Bansal from another team approached my manager, and he sugested my name to him as Java Expert to take interview for his team.

I focused on Java and little on Micro services. He was 9 years experience.

Overall, I rejected him with a strong No.

An Interview with a 9 years Experience Guy

Daksh learned https://www.photopea.com/, and learnt it quite fast. Its like Photoshop. I do not even know how to work on Photoshop. But, he learnt it well.

Daksh made Drawing - Happy Diwali

Its my daily duty to wake him up for school. In Covid time, its at around 7:15 AM. But, before that it was at around 6:30 AM.

The pain is not in waking up early because of him. I usually wake-up at around 6AM. But, he takes so much time to wakeup and put his feet on ground. Sometimes, it took somewhere around 10-15 minutes. It disturbs my schedule as well. 

He talks rude. This makes me angry, and I finally left and ask him to wakeup at whatever time you want. Then, he wakeup by himself. Not a single instance, that when I left he didn't wake-up. But, it feels very bad to listen to his rude replies.

Sometimes he says, remove my name from school. He said, I will email to principal to remove my name :)

He takes time to wake-up. Rarely it happens that he wakes up in few minutes and with a smile.

But, its not a complaint. It is just a memory. I love him, and he knows that.

Big Pain - To Awaken Daksh Each Morning

Its the Karvachauth, and out of the blue, I decided that I will also have fast. Kanika did not force me. Even, I was just at our new flat for the work. I did not even took water, still I was not feeling the need for it.

I came back home at around 3, and I took milk and a barfi just that Kanika also took it in the early morning. However, Kanika said if you did the breakfast, you should not have eaten barfi.

Anyway, I did the fasting successfully. Ending the fast at around 9:30 PM. I was not feeling very hungry, and it was manageable.

Kanika also felt good because of my gesture.

I had my First karvachauth Fast in 12 years

So, today I had to go to the following work:

I drank milk, and went to work without any breakfast.

I purchased cleaning stuff first and went to the flat. The work was going so slow, I don't think we can shift to flat.

I then went to the IGL office, where I asked the formalities needed and where can I get the affidavit. I then, went to the authority office for the affidavit, came back. The lady then asked me to get the signature of Kanika as she was the co-owner. I said, I will do it. She said, no. She said, take this form, get it signed by your wife and courier to us. I thought, its a long process. I asked, do I also need her ID. She said No. I tried my luck, I said she is sitting in the car, let me go for her signature.

I went out for few seconds, did her signature and came back. She knew I did it by myself, still she took it. Relax. Its done,

I then went to a shop where Kanika asked the shopkeeper to prepare our stuff. But, he has not prepared it. I had to wait. I then asked him that I have other work and I went for electrical stuff.

After that, I came back and get it loaded into the car.

I then went to Sector-9, searching for shops. I found one where I can find Le-Grand switches. I gave him the list, and he was preparing my order. At the end, he gave an amount to which I said, I will do Google-Pay. He said it will come to my account. I said so what, you are the business and you should pay taxes. He said, he will need to pay taxes. I said, by asking for more money you are taking taxes from customers, not paying by yourself.

I was so pissed off, and stood from there saying that I have wasted my time here. Let me know if you are doing it. The bill was for 12700 Rs and he asked for 800 Rs more. I offered that I could do it 13000, else I'm going. They agreed.

On returning, I get the items off-loaded in the flat and went back to the house. Where I first took the lunch. I was so hungry. I had to meet Abdul, but couldn't meet as I was feeling tired and slept.

Went to market for so long with no food

Its been so long that there is a public function celebrated at Jaypee Klassic. Thanks to Covid lockdown.

So, Navratre is going on these days. And, people at Jaypee decided to collect some money and have a funcntion. They decorated well.

Yesterday, we all went there. Daksh and Bhuvi were excited to go there. There was one stage, where kids were singing and performing. I saw, Kanika was standing with Bhuvi. Bhuvi was looking excited that she wanted to sing or say something on stage. But, she didn't come. My kids are shy just like me.

But I saw, she was dancing silently. By keeping her hands in her ear, the music was loud. Daksh also enjoyed, howevere there were no friends for him. I also saw a lot of new faces.

I bought some cold drink, juice for kids. Later, Daksh wanted to eat Momos. He is fond of momos.

There were also some counters for businesses. I had a talk with a commercial property guys, Orian. Its beingn launched near our Jaypee.

A Nice Public Function at Jaypee Klassic After Long Time

This is hopefully a new beginnings of things to come. I started listening to Jordon Peterson shortly after my 2nd Wedding Anniversary when Aravindan recommended me a video of him. Coincidently, my wife also decided to gift me one of his books - 12 Rules of Life, based on recommendation from Prakhar about him; but at the last moment, she decided not to get it. Its surprizing enough that he's been an internet sensation for the past 4/5 years, & I haven't come across him. I guess there had to be a fateful event for this. 

I lean towards the right when it comes to moral & societal views. I find it practical & comforting. After years of being in revolutionary mode in my 20s, I understood that evolution is what is possible & not revolution. Also, evolution takes time. Evolution happens at individual level, in smaller units of society & not larger chunks of society say at a country level. At some point I decided that any changes that I wanted to see, first I should live to the change & then try to assert influence within my family. 

That's about me. The spectrum from where Jordon Peterson comes from got me attracted to him at once. He's one of the most articulate persons I've heard out there. If there's controversy surrounding him, surely there's something that he's saying right. I'm not bothered about all the woke nonsense anyways. While this happened, I also came across the book from James Clear - Atomic Habits. I read this book as though I were reading a textbook for some examination - which involved taking notes & discussing the themes examined in it. The whole book went around what he calls it the Habit Loop - CUE, CRAVING, RESPONSE & REWARD. After I finished reading the book, I got filled with hope. Lots of hope. I crave change & this change will be atomic. I hope the energy that I draw out of it will truly be atomic in its nature & indeed powerful. 

Thus, this is a new beginning - of things to come. I want to start writing everyday, & I found this wonderful website. Looking forward to more things here. 

New Beginnings

Devansh called me, to have casual chit-chat. Our talk was due since last Sunday.

He always has all the updates from our team. He already left Adobe and joined Microsoft. But, he knew about everybody even now. He gave me knews that Prakhar selected into Microsoft and Google and he is joining Google. I was like, WOW.

He was telling me that you should also try as they are hiring at much higher pace and is giving good salary. It was very tempting to listen.

I listened, and told him my view point and my vision of my future.

I told him that I'm not going to change anymore, Read more here. 

I was very clear in explaining my perspective and my thoughts. He understood it very clearly, and respected it. 

I know, its very tempting to see when everybody around you are going to big companies, and you can also do better. But, I want to take a pause from this rat race.

I'm reading a book: "Psychology of Money", and there I read that we should stay away from social race.  And, I know I'm earning decent enough that I do not need to go anywhere else. Work life balance is dawm good here. So, why do I leave? Just for social pressure?

I'm happy for Prakhar. He is a brilliant guy.

I told him, that my long term goal is not this. I even suggested him to meet at regular frequencies to discuss any ideas that we might have, and may be we can make it big. We have decent amount to bootstrap our ideas. He liked the idea. Lets see, how we can materialize it.

Prakhar selected into Google - Talk with Devansh

I'm working in Adobe systems, drawing a decent salary. Actually way more than I spend. 

My prespective about life has changed a bit. I'm fedup of this salary and rat race culture. I was actually frustrated since long in my current job.I tried studying multiple times. I couldn't clear companies in which I was interested. It is very difficult with load of work and kids at home that I can do anything else.

This year as well, I started preparing myself for the interviews. I do believe in hard work, and I do not afraid of doing hard work. But, one thing stuck. What am I doing? What if I goto some other big name, I would be earning little more that my current salary. What after that? What if I also started feeling same as now?

And, I'm actually fedup of this corporate culture. I think I can do better. I decided to build something for the future. Something that can give me fuel to run my remaining life. I'm good in building things, software, web etc.

I decided not to look for any change further, and starting building something of my own. Be it some passive income, or being teacher, or doing freelancing etc. But, not job.

I'm very confident this time that I can do better with this. I do believe, that there is no limit of earning. I know the days when I used to earn so little. I was living even then. I'm slaving myself to the salary. I'm doing shitty work sometimes at work just for salary. 

I want to live life, on my terms now. Lets set a goal for myself to be retire from job by. year 2026.

My Decision of Future

I had an off today from office, which I did not tell at home.

I wasted that complete day by just watching useless facebook videos. I did few stock market classes, but they were not useful. Overall, a wasted day.

In morning, Kanika went to our flat where Sudhir came for first time, for carpenter work.

Once she came back, she was in no mood to prepare lunch. We ordered a Pizza that Daksh loved it. We ordered two pizzas, one that Daksh loves, second that Bhavika can eat. There is no room for our choices :(

In evening, we got our stuff for carpenter like boards, ply etc. Those stuff was not going through lift. Guard was also troubling them. I had to go there. Me and Daksh went there by cycle.

They had to load those heavy boards by their own through stairs.

I entered the flat, and saw the progress by POP work on walls. The walls were butter smooth by their work, it was awesome to see that. The flat is looking nice. It gives a feeling of a wider/open flat.

A wasted day

My old macbook was giving some trivial problems from past few weeks. The problems were like:

Some keys were pressed multiple times by one press. This caused major issue. Example: I was pressing single key to close browser tab. It closed multiple tabs.

Once in a month types, laptop shutdown without warning

Although, everything was working fine. Those were not the issues for which I personally buy a new laptop. But, the problems were really frustrating me sometimes.

Piyush(My manager) posted in our group, whether someone in need to replace their old out of warranty machines or problematic hardware.

I raised a service desk request for my laptop issues after that. The support guy straight away told me that your laptop was out of warranty, and I suggest you to raise request for new hardware. I conveyed same to Piyush. And, it got approved within few minutes. I was like, WOW.

And, would you believe, in evening, I got a call that they want to deliver the laptop to my home. I could not believe. I mean, such a ffast service.

Next day, 12:30 PM, I got the laptop in my hands. Thanks Adobe.

Got my new Macbook from Office

It was my quarterly feedback from Suman. We had a 1:1 meeting. I was not expecting good words from her, some intuitions.

You are doing good, infact very good. You have taken the ownership. You know whom to talk, how to talk, whom to involve. You are fetching people contact outside team as well. Thats good.

You are handling Shriya, Parag with nno conflicts. Thats good. 

You are asking people to take care of work, be it Parag or Mudit. 

You are looking after bigger picture of project. You are deciding which tech stack to choose, which LB, DB, infra, git etc.

You are doing good code reviews, there are always some comments. And, people are doing those changes.

You have prepared very nice document, that contained details. We normally doesn't do documents.

You have taken ownership of USB data validation, thats good. You are doing it with good responsibility.

1. Help us to kickstart the project. First cut of project. First cut is difficult, then team will handle. After that, you might be involved in other project.

2. Make an impact on external world, like write blog on security, ticketing, think of patents, think of new technologies, think of doing security belts etc.

3. Ensure team follows best practices, like PR review, branches standardization, PR templates, deployment workflow etc.

I was not expecting lot of good words. But, it was lot more than expectation.

I got quarterly Feedback - Checkin with Suman

Daksh had to speak on one of the Nobel Prize winners. We choose Albert Einstein.

Albert was a mathematician and physicist.

He won Nobel prize in 1921 and won the Copley Medal in 1925.

He won Nobel price for his explanation of Photo-electric effect.

I chose him because he was very smart in Maths and Physics.

Albert Einstein was born in March 14, 1879, Germany.

He faced lot of trouble in his childhood financially.

He also loved  to play classical music and violin.

After his death, doctors removed his brain for study.

They found that the area which is responsible for 3d visualization and mathematics was 15% wider than people who have normal intelligence.

Daksh's preparation for Nobel Prize Winner - Albert Einstein

Kanika's been requesting to take a leave from office so that we can goto market to explore few things for our flat. I agreed to take first half.

We went to Sec-18 market, and a showroom for Hop/Chimney. Those were good. I always wonder in using latest things vs old working things. Our 10-year-old Gas hop is still working super fine. But, we have to replace it according to new things :)

We were roaming in Sec-18 market, we went to a book shop. Who sells duplicate books. My interest in books is increasing these days. I bought 2 books:

I asked the book shop owner, don't you afraid of selling duplicate books in a well-established market. He said no.

Kanika had told mom to prepare rice if we came late. We went to our new flat while returning. We reached home in time. Kanika prepared food. She is a super expert in these things. I admire her for this. She never shy away from doing work, even after coming from outside.

In the evening, my parents had to return to their hometown.

Tour to market, Kanika request and bought 2 books

My parents were here for a quick visit. They stayed here for around 10 days. They went back today.

They booked a bla-bla car, which is really a fantastic service. He was so confused on picking up which timing. I had to leave my running meeting in the middle to drop them. But, its ok.

Papa badly wanted both the kids to drop them. The time for the car was: 5:20 PM. Bhavika was sleeping. Papa went in the room and said something to Bhavika to which she wake up. But she slept soon.

So, when we were standing in front of the lift, I was almost iside the lift. I heared Bhavika's cry. I went inside, and took her with us as well. Papa was happy. Kanika was not :)

So, we reached there, and dropped them. Bhavika started crying, seeing her grand parents were going. All right. Bhavika cried 3-4 times while returning as well. She said cutely: "My Amma, My Baba ji".

I asked Daksh, aren't you feeling sad. He said, OK-OK. He never expressed himself. He really loves their company. Last. time, he cried badly. I haven't seen him lately cried for someone.

Parents went back. Overall a nice memory

Although, its not a good title. But, i"m really pissed off with Ankit. I'm already not a big fan of his lateness.

So, it started with a website work that he wanted. I brought Abhinav in between and let them work. Its been more than 2 months now. Abhinav is also doing stupid work by not completing a small website. 

Its me, who is bringing both of them on meeting. Its me who is telling to give Abhinav a Demo to them. They never come on time in meetings, they are not giving their social pages. They are not giving him their actual images that they want to use. They gave few images, that after repeatitive messages from me.

Its me, who bought their domain name, I purchased their web-hosting.

I did setup our last meeting to bring everybody on same page. Nobody came in that meeting, I was so angry with both of them. Actually, three of them. Shivam was also invited. 

I dropped a message on whatsapp, anybody coming? Abhinav responded 20 mins later. I was already exited the meeting. I did not reply. I had made my plan not to involve in any of their work.

Shivam called me, and said he was in some office work. I just said, you guys see yourself now.

I tried calling him few days back. His phone was busy. I expected that he will call me. But he did not. Wow.

Yesterday, I called him again. He picked up the call and said, I will cal you back. And, he did not.

I was in so much anger and pissed off. I will not call him and straight away going to tell him that you manage your work.

Being a close relative, it was their duty to call me back when they promised. Its actually an insult.

He called next day, at around 10. I did not pick his call. I thought of calling him next day. He called on Kanika's phone. 

He started by saying he came late from shop and his health was not good. So he couldn't call. I just said ok. He talked about somethings, I was just not interested in his talking. I just said ok, formality kind of. I wanted to make him realize that people do feel bad.