All of 25, and encompassing all the best features of everyone in our family, she crawled in the early dark hours of the morning, purse in hand. . . car still running with the headlights on, intoxicated, through the isolated desert area that overlooked the city, that she was so familiar with. . . . to the edge of the cliff and held tightly as she pulled herself over the edge. 150' straight drop. . . into a void of land where people dispose of old appliances, mattresses and trash. 

Forgive me for my blunt and at times harsh text, but this is how I feel.

I loved her and just moved back to find that after the fact she only lived 2 blocks from me. 

Her biggest complaints were that I left her behind when she was 12 and I didn't come back until she was 20. Why did you leave me?

The answers I had were far beyond her maturity level so I could only remind her that I came back.

Beauty on the ledge 

no one is sad for me lol,its okay...how to move on trying to but failing....that good times suddenly turned out in dark hilarious terrible nights and days...why u left  me..

why you told me that you love me when you dont why why why....

dear god give me strength to move on nd focus on me ,,, trying to forget those people y am i unable to do so ,god can you hear me ....

break up

i hate u all y u guys played with me its hurting me like hell u all left me on the same time my heart is aching jay rutik i need u guys u were right karmas are bitch but my frdss??? Pleaseeeeeeeeeee I can't bare this exams career nd u broke me totally each one of u idk who is reading this just ignore i have nowhere to speak bye

Crying

Something sometimes every thing is out of our control and we cannot do anything I have to work on few things I need to improve myself I need to take care of my health I need to take care of my mental health too I am trying to take things light like my emotions I overthink a lot but I am trying to get rid of the negativity I have attachment issues how much I try to forget It just get into it more like every thing is happening together every bad thing I want to learn to handle myself in this situation I feel support less it’s I can’t tolerate anything if people judge me for how I speak I don’t know how to speak maybe even someone close is making me feel like weakest person instead of making me strong and make fun of me I am just tired and want to sleep on the bed and never wake up nothing is going right way to get that courage where to go where to find peace till when I need to talk with myself only and when will I find any other good friend or partner or someone like me I want someone to hug me and tell me every thing is going to be alright I am with you I don’t think so this people exist good people exist ?I don’t know trying to work hard but sometimes I just lose my emotions for the people who don’t give a fuck about me I am in Abandoned piece of shit though I am strong enough I can overcome this I am so strong I have me I will nor find good people I will get rid of my emotions I wish I could be emotion less person

Frustrated emotions

 Out of curiosity, I was reading the different abortion laws
in various countries. Looks like a lot of the Scandinavian countries give free abortions
on demand. Then you have some Latin countries that won’t abort under any
circumstances, not even if the mother’s life is in danger. It makes me shudder
to think there are some countries that would let a woman die despite being
totally preventable. These religious zealots and their delusions are affecting
so many people in such a negative way. This month will be the first time the
Supreme Court will actually scale back on human rights rather than
extend them. Pretty fucked up if you ask me. 

I heard half a dozen or so barks around 9 yesterday morning
but nothing after that. That’s probably only because I wasn’t in the front of
the house after noon. The more I think about it, the more I doubt they
contacted him about the barking because I didn’t go to the office. It could
also be a numbers thing too. Maybe they require two or more complaints before
they do anything about barking. If I continue to hear it, it could be that S
and his wife simply don’t give a damn but even more likely is that the office
never said anything to them. 

I asked him what he considered too much barking and he said
more than five minutes more than three times. Lol, a single bark twice a
day is about all I can handle. 

He lost $10 yesterday with the horses. He’s dreaming, I tell
you, he’s dreaming. Just like he was in Oregon.  

Makes me shudder

Since long, I was looking for a bike (cycle). Yesterday I finally bought one. The "Giant Escape 2".

I went through Uber Taxi to the shop, as I was super clear to buy one that day. I had confirmed from the shop-keeper that he had the bike.

I had finalized Toronto H30 to buy. But, I changed my mind after going there and during the test ride. I found Giant Escape the best. Toronto was no-where close to it. The bike gave real feeling.

Firefox Rapide 21s (I was in love with this, if this could had disk breaks, I would buy it)

Toronto H30 was costing me 30K, and Giant Escape-2 at 50K. I was fully prepared with Toronto H30. I negotiated a lot with him, generally, I do not do this. But, I did my best. The good thing is that the shopkeeper gave a 12% discount on that bike, so it cost 50K after the discount. Nobody could get any discount online. I thought, sometimes you have to treat yourself as well. As it was very costly bike. After all, it is just a cycle.

Then, I gave him my American Express card. And, he refused to take it. I was very irritated as I confirmed this before coming to his shop. This wasted around 1 hour. As, he tried to generate an online link, but no way. I had another card, but I wanted to pay through this only.

In the meantime, there was an actress present in the shop, Gul Panag. I was thinking of taking a pic with her, but couldn't gather the courage. I had to go to other shops as well. So, I asked the shopkeeper to prepare the bike, as I came. I was standing very near to her, opened my camera and thinking of asking her for a pic. But, she started moving to her car. I smiled and moved outside of the shop.

I came back after around 30 minutes and found her standing there. I went straight to her and asked for a pic, she obliged with a smile. She was really pretty and tall.

Finally, the shopkeeper said you can pay to other shop of theirs, but that is in Sector-18. So, they sent their one of guy with me. I was riding on that new bike and he was also in his bike. After reaching there, he also didn't had machine for American Express card. I was so pissed off. I wasted other 30 minutes there. Finally, I didn't want to loose that bike, I paid through Citi card.

There is a secret! I paid 40K through Citi card, as it is linked to Kanika's name. I didn't want to tell her the real cost of the bike, she would be very angry on me on buying a 50K cycle. I paid rest with my UPI.

I did ride for almost 15 KM to home. As I ride the bike on highway. I felt so so good. The bike is a beast. It went so smooth, and its gear system was too good. On top speed, I was feeling like I was riding a real bike. It was so fast. I can't describe the feeling. I did overtake two cars in between :)

Daksh was very happy seeing the bike. He is generally very happy seeing new stuff. And, that day he asked for my bike. He was super excited to ride my old MTB bike. So, we had three bikes now. My two bikes, and one Daksh's.

Finally Purchased new Bike - Giant Escape 2

 I only walked down about 10 houses worth this morning and
then ran back up. I breathed in the stench of smoke on the way down and up. I
swear there weren’t nearly as many smokers in the old place as there are here. 

Less than a year in and it’s already noisier
with all the projects and barking. Funny,
though, how he said that if we go rural and the neighbors are up to no good, we
can’t do anything about it. But we can’t do anything about it right here.
I get his point in that you’re likely to have more problems there than here and
how it’s safer here, but still. If T decided to run a dogfighting ring, D blasted in and out, and S let his mutt bark round the clock, what
could we do about it? Complain and get sent to jail if one of them has a cop
pal or be told to do a $1000 upgrade because someone in the office is besties
with one of them?  

Believe me, I hate
the complex the past has put on me and I know a stronger person wouldn’t let
the past dictate the future, but it’s not that easy. It does get to me at
times, though, that 6 people on the Supreme Court can tell millions of women
what to do with their lives and bodies, and I can’t even get one person
to control their fucking dog. Just one person.  

Why does this always happen to me? Just why? Every single
fucking place I go gets noisier until I’m about to leave it. I swear yesterday
was almost like the old place without the traffic. Yes, it can and has been
much worse, but I didn’t come here for this. I don’t care if his dog barks less
than 30 seconds at a time. Just the fact that I hear it every single day really
gets to me. I don’t make him hear anything of ours regularly. 

They put the roof on the day before yesterday and that wasn’t
too noisy. Just a few rounds of mild pounding. I thought they were done with
the place, but they did work on it yesterday as well and the pounding got to
the point where it was distracting. 

It’s a crisp, cool morning out at 68 degrees, so I have a
couple of windows open. I’ll shut them when the temperature rises or the
projects and barking get too annoying, whichever comes first. 

Really surprised that Texas of all states wants free speech
online. I would think a state like that would do the exact opposite. Still,
with all the crazy laws, restrictions, and all the little sensitives out there and
their poor, poor little fragile eggshell feelings, I’m afraid to even breathe
online these days.   

Funny,
though, how he said that if we go rural and the neighbors are up to no good, we
can’t do anything about it. But we can’t do anything about it <i>right here</i>.
I get his point in that you’re likely to have more problems there than here and
how it’s safer here, but still. If Toni decided to run a dogfighting ring, the
honker blasted in and out, and Steve let his mutt bark round the clock, what
could we do about it? Complain and get sent to jail if one of them has a cop
pal or be told to do a $1000 upgrade because someone in the office is besties
with one of them? <o:p></o:p>

Frustrated

 I hate to say it, but I see some good in Roe
being overturned. Yes, it’s absolutely sick and disgusting that we’re reverting
back to the dark ages and that so many people are so high on being control
freaks that they feel it’s their right and their duty to make personal
decisions for others. And yes, people are hypocrites in that so many women in
this country get shit for getting knocked up in the first place, yet if she
goes to have an abortion, she’s an automatic “murderer.”  

But I do see the potential for good coming of
this and that’s that it’s going to make women more independent when it comes to
abortion, which would mean less shit from society in the end because unless the
woman says something, no one should know she’s having the abortion in the first
place. People that go for abortions at abortion clinics get hassled all the
time.  

People only go to get abortions because it’s
convenient, and that’s just the way it’s been done for so many years that it becomes
customary. But it’s totally not necessary. There are a million ways to lose a
fetus. Women did so before abortion was even a thing. There are tons of
different herbs, drugs, and a reason they tell you not to do certain physical
activities. Plus, there is the abortion pill. I know that’s eventually going to
become illegal too, but look at pot. It was once illegal, but it didn’t stop it
from going around, did it? Plus, there will still be doctors providing traditional
abortions no matter what the laws say. They’re not afraid of being sued. I am
surprised, however, that we haven’t heard more reports about them being busted.
Perhaps they’re hard to catch because you can’t exactly go undercover to catch
them. They have to know and prove you’re pregnant in the first place. You can’t
just go in there and say, hey, I’m pregnant, give me
an abortion and expect the doctor to do
so on the spot. But the crazies of Texas are kidding themselves when they said
they saved hundreds of lives. I’m sure you agree that very few women allowed
themselves to be forced to carry.  

As I said, hopefully this will give them
independence that can’t be fucked with so easily because I’m pretty sure they’re
not going to get their rights back in our lifetime. I just don’t see it. People
have gotten way too obsessed with getting it into their minds that abortion is
murder as they did by insisting God sees gays as sinners, and it’s not just a
Supreme Court. Oh no, it goes much further than that. The polls are showing
more and more than most people in this country actually want abortion to be illegal
unless it’s to save the woman’s life. As I said, it’s a politically correct
trend. People get obsessed with something, they run with it, and on and on it
goes for decades or more. They’ll run this right into the ground as they have
racism and other topics people just can’t seem to take a break from. 

When they move on to dismantling gay rights,
hopefully they too will find ways around things even though that’s a lot
trickier. I just dread the day the law fucks with us directly. Hopefully, it
won’t be so bad and we won’t have to let it. I will always do what’s right
before I consider what any law says. 

Back we go to the dark ages

 I struggle with, well, just being normal. OK, so I know that being
normal is overrated at times and that some people wish they weren’t oh so
normal, but sometimes being different gets old too.  

I can’t take the full amount of thyroid medication my body needs and I
don’t know that I ever will. I can’t treat my high cholesterol and therefore I
may never reach an advanced age. I can’t sleep at night every night. I have a
driving phobia I never could conquer. I have a deformed ear that looks worse
than it did before they dismantled the frame and drilled the canal in 1995 to
make sure I didn’t have a tumor when I complained of discomfort (turns out it
was the frame and skin that couldn’t shed itself that was trapped inside).  

I have a husband I love dearly and wouldn’t trade for the world but had
a low appetite and could never perform normally and therefore I had a joke of a
sex life back when I had an actual libido before menopause. Although it worked
out for the best in the end, I couldn’t conceive when I wanted to because of
the DES I was exposed to in utero (a drug mothers at risk of miscarriage were
given back in the 60s). I’ve always believed that a woman should have the right
to choose TO have a child as well as NOT to.  

But I was denied that and other basic human rights. At least it sure
feels like that at times. I don’t know if it’s happenstance or something up
there that singled me out and decided to pick on me, but it does suck at times
when you’re so unique in a lot of ways. I just try to remind myself that on the
flip side, most people will never have someone who loves, gets, and accepts
them as they are as I do. I can learn almost any language I want. I’ve written
over 50 novels even if some of them are short stories. I got to be a pretty
good singer, even though I haven’t had any interest in music in centuries. I
learn quickly and can teach myself almost anything. I have been said to be very
intelligent in the things I remember, notice, and figure out on my own as long
as I stay away from numbers, LOL.  

Also, while I would have preferred a career of some kind, at least I
never had to worry about evil bosses or coworkers. Nor did we have to deal with
the hassles of two vehicles. Lastly, not having kids has given us the freedom of
really living life and experiencing different things. So I’m kind of caught in
a tug of war. I’m glad things worked out the way they did, but I hate not
having more freedom of choice. When a person has no freedom or the ability to
choose things that greatly impact them, it really sucks. 

I hope you and hubs are right in that I can eventually get my numbers
normal without the anxiety as long as I go slow, even though I don’t think I’ll
lose weight. No amount of busyness can get a pound to budge with me LOL. It’s
OK though. I know I would be healthier if I lost a little, but I spent most of
my youth skinny, I had my skinny days, so I don’t mind spending the rest of it
on the fat side. Most older mammals pack on weight with age anyway.  

My message to J

My parents are here for few days, and my cousin called my father to visit them. My father agreed. I was kind of hesitant to go there, its been long since they have visited my house. I agree, that I lack the skill to invite people nicely, but I do asked them many times to visit us. But, everytime they say they are busy. 

But, I thought lets go. We decided to go there on Saturday at 6 PM. Its around 20 km long, but it takes around 1 hour to reach there due to busy road. We reached there at 7:15 PM. We were greeted by Romy B, the elder cousin.

They recently re-built their house from scratch. Since the time we reached their house. Romy B started a show-off. For every little piece fitted, he tells the price tag without we asking for it. I was smiling little, and trying to hide my smile.

We did not even entered their house, from far away. See that light, very good light, costing X Rs. 

In front of the gate, look at our gate, I have purchased it from XZY place, and found for X Rs.

See these tiles, they are XYZ material, costing this much. We entered the house. Look at the lights, look at this, look at that. Bla-bla. 

But, I msut say that he was showing some ego or something like that. He was just showing-off his house. And, was happy. So, I was happy too. Sometimes, people show-off but their actions let others feel down. But, he was not doing that.

Here comes tea time. He started bragging about the stuffs. "Haldiram bhi kya kya banata hai". I mean, he was indirectly telling me that he brought things from Haldiram.

His bed mattress cost around 90k Rs. I was like, OMG.

Infact, their house was looking awesome. There was too much light, and less space. He spent around 1 Cr in that house. I think, he must have spent much more than that.

They purchased everything new. Their house area was very very less. They built 4 floors, each with same design.

Anyway, we enjoyed that short stay. Everybody behaved very nicely. Kids also enjoyed. Kids were playing nicely. I was thinking, Riya/Vasu never behaved like that. Ashu B came late. 

It was 10:30 PM. I asked Kanika that its late. But, I didn't want to go. Infact, we left from there at 11:30 PM.

We went to market, had kulfi. The market was a good one.

I asked them, since how many years, I'm in Noida. Its 15 years. How many times, you visited me. Not even once. Once they visited in Daksh's B'day in 2012. Still 10 years.

I told them in funny way that I will come here again only when you come to my place.

Overall, it was a very beautiful outing. A good time-pass. Leaving parents there was not something felt good. Kids were also feeling sad.

A visit to Romy B

He set his alarm for 6:00 AM and I now have 6.5 hours to myself. I don’t mind though, because I’ve been feeling OK. We’re going to go to Walgreens when they open at 7 for some treats. At 10:00, groceries will be delivered. Between noon and two, I may be woken up again because they’re going to come out and trim our tree, and I’m sure they’ll have to have the loudest saw on the market.

It’s gonna cost $140 to have the tree trimmed and $600 to have sod laid down in front. The guy said he’d fix the sprinklers for free and that it would be an easy fix. Not excited to spend so much money.

Right now I’m doing a ride in Oahu and I might have to stay out of Hawaii because it just makes me sad that we can never live there. Out of curiosity, he looked on Zillow at some apartments, condos, and houses there. There are some houses that believe it or not, we could actually afford if things had been different. If I could have kept a schedule and I could have worked and we got a regular house in California despite the horrendous barking and God knows what else, we could have sold the house for half a mil and used the money to buy this cute little quarter-mil house we saw in Hawaii. But the reality is that unless we won a ton of money, it really is a dream that can never come true. 

Ugh, though! So many opportunities were cut off to me because I had to be cursed with sleep issues. Just so many. It makes my eyes sting with tears. Literally. God has taken so, so much from me (if one exists). Just so damn much. Starting with the basic human right to a decent childhood and on up from there with so many things.

Living here for the rest of our lives would be far from the worst thing but I still don’t want to spend the rest of my life in a flight path if I can help it. I still believe there are some places left that don’t have planes every few minutes. A doesn’t have dozens a day. K doesn’t. J doesn’t. We didn’t have the ever-present planes on the beach in Maui as we do on this beach. They are definitely more noticeable when it’s windy or cloudy. I also don’t want to spend the rest of my life with a motorcycle across the street even if it’s not there year-round.

I made a heart chart. Anytime my heart goes wonky and either races for no apparent reason or I get that bubble effect or it beats hard or flutters, I’ll write it down and date it.

I got a duplicate set of sports bras that I got back out west, which I probably should have gotten before I wasted money on the regular bras. I hate regular bras and the way the straps slip. I should have known better than to get them. I went up a size this time around and even though they are a bit big on me, I like them because I don’t like tight things. I seem to be getting enough support, but I have seven days to try them out.

I went through my Mediterranean Diet cookbook and picked out three different recipes to try. One with pork, one with chicken, and one with shrimp.

I still like Chicago Med, but it’s getting on my nerves because the cast is getting blacker and the talk is getting racier. We can’t even go one whole episode without some reference to race. Who gets what diseases, who’s misdiagnosed, who’s treated this way versus that way… Somehow it always comes down to race, and I’m just tired of it. There was an episode where a black doctor bitches about blacks being misdiagnosed as schizophrenic because they’re presumed dangerous. But they are more dangerous. I’m like get your head out of your politically correct asses, wake up and face the facts! Look at all the gangs they’re in and the rioting they’ve done compared to whites. Look at how much more crime they’re responsible for than whites.

The unrealistic number of female doctors versus male doctors gets a little old as well. So instead of being anxious, I’m sad and mad tonight. Going through Hawaii and realizing just how much my sleep curse has caused me to miss out on made me sad and made me realize that the Hawaiian dream never died just because we moved here. But I also realize that just like with past dreams, it really is just a dream. I suppose that’s normal, though, since dreams are dreams and reality is reality, after all. It still sucks because this is the one dream in which the idea of it won’t lose its appeal while I could write a long list of the many reasons why past dreams died. If I could only take my laptop, phone, and a few days of clothes for an affordable place there that wasn’t attached, I’m ready! 

Sad and mad

 I’m a little tired today because the mower woke me up. There’s
a sit-down mower and there’s a stand-up mower. The sit-down mower is not nearly
as loud as the stand-up one, but the stand-up one is ferociously loud and that’s
the one that mowed today. It woke me up instantly, so I had my sleep broken up
and therefore I’m tired. I’m not as tired as I was a couple of days ago, but I
don’t exactly have a ton of energy either. Fortunately, I don’t have a lot to
do tonight. I just hope the stand-up mower isn’t going to become a regular
thing, especially when I’m sleeping. Damn, do I miss being in the country at
times. 

Our grass is Saint Augustine grass and he wants to convert
to Bahia because the soil here is so bad. We figure that has a better chance of
growing better.  

He and I may not be perfect and we may not have all the
answers, but we were talking about how ridiculous the anti-abortion obsession is.
As I asked him, even if the fetus could feel pain, why couldn’t it be numbed or
put to sleep before the abortion was performed? As he said, how much awareness
does it really have? Does it even know it’s a person or aware of things? How
much can it really think and figure? Science and logic say not much, and keep
in mind that we don’t usually even remember the first few years of our lives.  

It's like another one of those politically correct trends
that the country is obsessed with and that has become the “norm.” The whole
thing isn’t much different than capital punishment. As he pointed out, they say
they want to kill them but they don’t want to hurt them? How ridiculous is
that? If you want to kill them, then who cares if it hurts for 30 seconds or so? 

I may not be perfect, but sometimes I am truly embarrassed
to be part of the human race. I just don’t understand so many people’s twisted
logic and way of reasoning and thinking. Take the governor for example. Lately, he’s
running around claiming that math leads to being gay. I don’t understand how
human beings like that can even be allowed to say such shit. Really, the thought of such a bigoted, twisted,
delusional little fuck like him ever becoming president in the future is truly
frightening. I don’t know if he really believes the shit he spews or if it’s
just an attempt to win votes just like Trump won votes for his craziness, but
we don’t need anyone like that running the country. Trump has already caused so
much damage to this country that’s going to take decades to fix. Another Trump-like
person as president will only make things worse. 

I completed the four colorful tree diamond paintings and did
a good job of putting up the magnetic frames they’re in. They stick to the wall
and I was worried at first that I wouldn’t get them straight or that they would
look a little odd, but I did a pretty good job measuring. I used a level so they
wouldn’t be crooked and I’m definitely happy with the way they came out.  

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When political correctness is incorrect

Had a weird dream and a scary dream. In the scary dream, we were out someplace. There were two rooms and a few dozen people perhaps. Music was playing loudly and the DJ was threatening to blow everyone up. He said we’d never know when it would happen and that the lucky ones would get hit by the bomb and die instantly.

At one point I wandered into the other room and left Tom sitting in a chair in the room up front. Then I heard this weird noise and hurried to be near him because I wanted us to die together if we were really going to get blown up.

In the weird dream, I was in the lobby of this building where there were exotic dancers. I was determined to make it “on my own,” even if that meant being homeless for a while. I obviously didn’t know Tom. Several people were milling about the lobby. I suddenly wet my pants and hoped no one noticed. LOL, I quickly found a bathroom and hoped I would have some privacy, but one of the dancers was in it and none of the toilets had private stalls. Even so, I said that I liked to be fresh down there and wiped myself with wet paper towels.

“I do too,” she said understandingly. And then as fat and as old as I was, she mistook me for one of the dancers and asked my stage name.

“Starlight,” I said just for the hell of it when the name suddenly entered my mind.

I left the bathroom to find the place now dark. Most of the dancers were asleep. One of them asked me a question on the way out, but I ignored it. Instead, I found a clean glass and got a drink of water before I headed outdoors and to who knows where. 

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Dreams

Just to keep you up to date, I have a virtual appointment
with a psychiatrist on the 29th of this month. I
did well for 12 days and then on the 30th the anxiety returned. I
have some depression too, and still feel hopeless. Sill feel like I have
questions but never any answers and solutions. I still hope it’s just a matter
of getting used to the new medication dose and my lady hormones settling in, but
I don’t know what to think anymore. I just know that 8 years of going around in
circles with this is ridiculous so I made the appointment. I just don’t know if
I can be helped. While I’m at it, I have a question for you. Is it OK to take a
10MG CBD gummy before 4 hours after taking my levothyroxine? 

The above paragraph was my message to my docs earlier. I’d
been planning to check in with them and give them an update, but I didn’t want
to do so without making an appointment first and have them be like, we told
you to make the appointment, blah, blah blah. 

What I didn’t tell them was that I’m fed up. Honestly, I can’t
take this anymore.

Tom and I were talking about what might happen to us after we're gone and whether or not there’s an afterlife and all kinds of things like that.
Of all the different theories, I realized that none of us can know anything
until we’re gone. I still hope there’s no afterlife at all. 

Because it’s so hard for me to believe that Aly wouldn’t
send me a sign that she goes on somehow and have a positive influence on my emotional
state if she could, it makes me think that there is no afterlife, or she simply
can’t. Hell, even my parents would lend a helping hand if they could and wouldn’t
want me suffering like this. 

Tom brought up an interesting theory about those lights I
saw back in Phoenix. Maybe it wasn’t an alien craft but a glimpse into another
dimension and time. Maybe even the ghosts some people claim to see are from
another place and time. 

I sure wonder about those multi-dimensions, alright.
Especially with some of the dreams I’ve had. I recently had one where I was
thinking about how my parents were 72 and 73 and that I hadn’t contacted them
for a while. I thought it would be a good time to send them a letter. It wasn’t
so much what happened in the dream that makes me wonder, but how real it felt.
Like I was really in some other place and time.  

Virtual appointment.

 If only we could
wind back the hands of time and do this room up right. Actually, I should have
moved into the other bedroom. That way there would be less space to have to put
the soundproofing material on and only one window and one door rather than two
windows and three doors. Then, instead of trying to get wallboards or go over
the MLV with drywall or something, we should have gone over it with the thick,
textured tiles he stuck on his back wall. Then there would be the plugs, vent
baffle, solid core door, and the best window money could buy with thick glass.
We would probably have to do floors and ceilings as well.  

All this may
still be done if the storms allow me enough sleep that I can stay in Florida
and the horses are a bust. Well, I don’t know about the storms, but I know the
horses are just a dream. This is the second week in a row he lost. He says he
just has to “get better” at it, but I know and accept it’s just a fantasy. Just
like me hoping to break into the music business way back when. But this time it’s
not a devastating thought as it was years ago. We’re not cramped into a dumpy
rental in a shitty climate, and it’s not like I haven’t traveled, bought/done things.
If we never have extra money or move again, that will be OK as long as we’re
healthy and happy. We’ll just switch rooms so we can save money on the
soundproofing. The only pain in the ass will be having to come out to use the
bathroom when I wake up. But I don’t wanna do anything until I know if I can
even stay in the state. 

The thing is,
my sleep is so cursed that it’s just going to be something or another fucking
with it no matter where we go. However, there is a big difference between being
woken up a few times a month as opposed to a few times a week, as I learned
when we left Auburn. Today was a one-hour power failure. 

Although
tired, I managed to go to the store just to get out. Got a couple of single
caramel pieces that were $0.34 each and a 4-pack of White Merlot. Why not? It
doesn’t seem to make me more or less anxious, after all. It can mess with my
sleep, but so can everything else in the world. I swear, if it is in an outside
source, it’s my own damn body having a nightmare, having to get up to pee, waking
up too cold, waking up too hot, etc. 

On the way
out we saw a possum running along the fence at one end of the park. It was a
pretty good size too. I learned that they can get up to 9-13 pounds but they
won’t pounce if you run into them as long as they don’t feel cornered or
threatened. As with skunks, they’ll try to escape before they go on the attack.
They’re so adorably cute. 

Just like in
the last place, my vibes and my logic are at odds with each other. My logic
always said we would leave CH in 2024, but my vibes said otherwise. Because I
don’t believe the horses are going to amount to much, my logic says we’ll be
here for a long time, maybe even forever. But that’s not what my vibes say.
Knowing that my vibes are usually the winner, I wonder if that could be because
I’m not going to be able to get any sleep when it’s storming every day. 

I just hope DeSantis
doesn’t become president no matter where we live. He’d be another Trump for
sure. That’s part of why he’s doing all this crazy anti-gay shit. It scores
points and therefore votes from all the haters. Biden has turned out to be
completely worthless as a prez. He’s just too damn old. I keep hoping he’ll get
sick so Kamala can take over. I don’t know that she would be any better, but at
least we would have a chance. Really hope they make pot legal nationwide, but
when and if that happens, it will be years from now, unfortunately. Really want
to try it for my anxiety. If it worked, I wouldn’t give a fuck if I got
addicted and became the pothead from hell, nor would I care about the potential
side effects like how it fucks with memory and things like that. This is my
first calm day after three or four days of anxiety. I still think most of it is
on the medication adjustments, or at least I hope so. In a few weeks, I go to
the lab. I’m guessing I’m going to be an 11. Still hoping I’ll be able to get
under 10, although I still doubt I’ll ever be able to get between 1-4.  

Forgot to mention yesterday that I finally beat him at golf. It was only by one stroke, but I never thought I’d see the day. Then again, the more you do something, the more you improve. Usually, that’s the case anyway. 

Andy’s back to annoying me with the celeb/black shit. I learned a couple of things a long time ago, though. You can’t change people’s minds just by sharing your own POV. Secondly, asking him to stop something does me no good most of the time. I’m learning more and more that it’s best to just ignore annoying people. If it was constantly in my face, that would be different. I don’t know if he just wants to annoy me and gets off on it or what, but I’ve told him enough times that I’m not into celebrities. Plus, he knows we have different opinions where blacks are concerned. It’s a no-brainer. There’s no real mystery here. So why he wants to keep sending me memes related to the Smith/Rock incident at the Oscars is beyond me. 

Having a blah night. Totally wish I could snap my fingers and have it be daytime and us on the beach. I have a feeling that would turn off this feeling pretty quickly. Wish I could at least go out and sit on a dock over some canal or something like what my parents had for a while. Part of me is still tempted to run to a shrink, but what could she do for me??? Give me drugs I couldn’t handle. I still have no reason not to believe this isn’t going to be an issue on and off for the rest of my life, so I really have to learn to live with it. 

I promised myself a long time ago that I would never give in to delusions and brainwash myself into believing there was a God that loved me and was looking out for me as a means of coping. None of that feel-good shit. Then again, if it would help me, why not? Even if I was kidding myself; if I could make myself believe that this story truly had an ending to it, why not? Why not give myself hope, no matter how false it may be? If I could just tell myself, it’s only until I get adjusted to the new dose and until my hormones fully settle in, and then everything will be fine, and make myself believe it while I was at it, why the hell not? 

I dropped the soundproof blanket down by the open side of the bed and covered most of it. Slept with the nature sound up a little louder and added an earplug and no thunder woke me up. Tom said on a scale of 1 to 10, the thunder was a 6 and there were several sessions of it too. 

Why not start kidding myself?

After long time(due to Covid lockdown), I started going to office.

Kanika made some Aloo-Poori in lunch. Kanika told me that Daksh asked curiously, Papa will not eat this? He showed his concern towards me.

I really liked it. Although, its a small thing. But, small things matters a lot! It made my day.

Little things matters - When Daksh asked Papa will not eat it?

I was looking for a design revamp of planndesign.com. Its been an old design in bootstrap, designed by me. This time, I was completely revamping the technology stack as well.

I decided to get the design in Tailwind-CSS by looking at its simplicity and its becoming famous.

First, I thought to give this work to my full-time hired developer Abdul. But, I realized that he will also not be able to justify it, as he is not a designer. I thought I will do it. But, I realize that it will take a lot of time. It's better to outsource this. I looked for freelancers.

Finally, I hired this energetic guy Meet on freelancer.com

We fixed the final delivery on 12th March 2022. But, he could not do it. 

He said bla-bla. I was involved in a personal emergency. He said, he is more serious in it than me. I was like, OK. I said OK. I again asked for a final date. he gave me 24th March 2022. And, he said: Chillax. I was getting annoyed by him. After delaying by almost double the fixed date, you are saying Chillax. I was like ok.

But, when he did not deliver it on 24th. I lost my mind. I warned him, that I will wait for him today only. Then, he asked for releasing the payment. I said, what is the meaning of milestone. When we decided. You did not even showed me anything. How can I release the payment.

I knew, that he did not complete it. I bluntly said, I know you did not complete it, but I will wait for today only. He had lot of excuses, I did cut the phone.

I mean, why did you take the work, when you can not do it. It wasted my 25 days.

Why did you take the work Freelancer - Fedup

So, I went to my brother's anniversary function. Everything went well. It was when he was opening all the gifts. Obviously, there are some gifts that are awesome, and some are not good. 

Next day, I came to know his reaction on my elder sister's gift to him. BTW, it was a pressure cooker (for kitchen purpose). My brother did call to her (such a dare-devil). He told her straight away that he was expecting more, some wealthy gift. Not this cheap one. He said, now your home condition is good, your husband is earning well, your son is now earning much. You should have given something bigger. If I would be at her place, I would have done something bigger!

I was shocked, I mean did anyone say like this. 

To give more context, my brother is the eldest of all. And, I'm the youngest.

Yesterday, I was talking to other elder sister. She told me other shocking info.

So, we have 3 sisters. One of them is in really poor condition. Lets call her sister-2. We usually give money to her. Well, I never seen my elder brother to do this, but he speaks a lot (kind of BC). 

So, he told my sister-3 that sister-2 won't be able to gift something nice. Why don't you both (sister-1/sister-3) gift something to me on behalf of sister-2. I was too shocked to hear this. OMG.

She also told me that its getting difficult to tell him anything about their kids success. As, they would jealous. I agree with that. My brother did never congratulate them about their son's recently earned job. Due to jealousy. She told me that they came to her house in November for Bhai-dooj (A brother-sister festival). Even then, he did not congratulate them. He straight away asked him (Son of sister-3), how much you earn. He told a figure. He straight away said, "Now you can gift anything to his daughter, now I will not stop you, its your first Bhai-dooj after-all". I mean, really! 

She said, her son took my brother's kids to outing. They had something to eat. On return, my brother asked, what did you eat. And, he said, ONLY! 

WHen I was there at the function. Next day, I went to meet son of my sister-1. I have some special bonding with him. We had dinner. I intentionally did not take my brother's kids with me. My brother has a wrong habit of putting his kids along with everybody who so ever is going outside. I mean, privacy is something. Sometimes, its ok. But, not always. And, I get to know that he yells at my father for this. That, why he (me) did not take my kids! Period!

Bhai is on a different level altogether - Lichadpan at max

Its been a complete season gone, and our work is not finishing. Its related to our new flat. We have done massive work here. Except from Electrician Jitender, everybody gave trouble. Its too difficult to handle labor. 

Now, these painter guys. They went to holidays without telling anything. Our shifting dates kept on shifting due to lot of people. First, the contractor Ramesh, then Carpenter Sudhir, now this painter.

I don't understand, these people don't want to work and earn. They have lot of attitude and ego. 

This painter used to come at site at 11:30 and leave by 5/5:30. And, holidays on weekend.

Today, I did my office from this flat to see when they are coming, but they did not come.

I did message to them, one last time. If they are not coming by tomorrow, no money no stuff, nothing. Enough is enough.

Completing House Work - Too Difficult a Task - Too difficult to handle Labors

I pick him from school when his classes finishes at around 12:30 PM. As I reach his school, I handed over the escort card to guards. I kept waiting for him, and kept rolling my eyes in school, searching for him. Sometimes, I started worried when he won't come in few minutes.

When I get a sight of his, I always smile saying there is our hero. I think every parent think of same, I'm just writing my emotion here.

I hold his heavy bag, and asked him the usual question: How was the day? Did you do fun?

Taking Daksh from School - Happy to see him

Schools are open after 2 years, due to Covid. Daksh was very excited to goto school. Since, its only 15 days of school in this month. I decided to drop him to school.

As we have to drop our kids at the school gate. I dropped him, and he went straight inside. I kept watching him untill I lose sight of him. I was afraid inside as I was leaving him. As a parent, where kids are living under your care and protection. When kids go outside, its a constant fear for their safety.

Inside, I felt proud about him. How kids adapt themself to face this world. 

Afraid to See Daksh Going Alone in School - Kids Growing

Today, Rishab also left. I wrote his farewell notes, if I get a chance to speak.

Soft spoken guy. Chhota sa lagta tha, but he is close to 30!!

very dedicated. He should keep learning new things.

Hubble was a completely different domain from Bast. I think he did pretty well.

Apart from work, we discussed about smart watches, kahan ghumna hai.

But, couldn't get a chance to speak as people were just talking randomly this time. This is another person from Suman's team left.

Rishabh also Left Suman's team

Instantly, one thing came to my mind that she got some offer or so.

I called her, and she started speaking like giving an official status. I laughed and congratulated her.

She gave her official resignation to Suman. She said, Suman did not like it, and was not expecting this.

The times are very challenging for management. Lot of people are leaving...

I think managers should be ready for this. They should make them feel happy and congratulate them on their progress.

I will write more about Shriya later. She was an intern, worked with me for most of her internship.