When I see most people around me I feel that they are much better than me. I am not being self deprecating here. I have started an online diary hoping that it would give me a reprieve from reality and I don't care how sick this sounds anymore.

Its funny how you care about others, want to show them that you care but since you suck at that its no use and they believe that you feel nothing. devoid. no care not an inkling of consideration for them.

I wish I could change myself. Really I wouldn't mind it at all! But life's the way it is. I have so many things to do. A truckload of things really. But sometimes its tough to go on. I can't stop myself from quitting though. Its probably because of my need for perfection. I am not bragging or anything like that. Its just that I always have this pressure to be the good girl, good daughter and I fail in all those things. So the only thing left is good grades.

13 Jan 2023- Stifled

I need help. I need affirmations from my parents, godparents and my close friends. I just need tender loving care. I am thankful for great O level successes yesterday. But I am experiencing extreme fatigue. God, help.

Prayers: Dear Heavenly Father, be with me. In the most precious name of Jesus Christ I pray

I need help

I was drawn to the korean drama starred by Sung Hye Kyo. She took 20 years to exact revenge on the people who bullied her. This is secular way of handling people who hurt. The counterintuitive Christian way of handling such matter is release, let go and let God handle. To be honest, I am a human being. I also want every single who, especially the secondary school teacher, the scammer and syndicate to be tormented, tortured, go to hell for eternity. But having said that, I have spoken the human , carnal and fleshy thought. That is definitely not what God wants. Why should my quality of life be destroyed due to these people for 24 years! 24 years of my life gone. These are the 2 major events that totally destroyed me, rip my heart, smashed into smithereens. I became so disgruntled and bitter about life , depression and suicidal soon followed. That is why I like the drama, it showcased the deepest thoughts that I have towards those who have hurt me and I can do something about it. 

Having said that, I want to move on in life. I dont want unforgiveness to chain me. I dont have anger, bitterness and resentment to hold me down any longer. God, where are you? 

Prayers: Dear Heavenly Father, help me. I surrender all these carnal, fleshy thoughts about those people who hurt me into Your hands. Rewire my mind through Your words, heal my smithereen heart with Your love. I choose to forgive them for You have forgiven me with Your grace and mercy. I want to let go anger, bitterness, resentment, hatred, guilt and shame. Be with me today, especially in tender moments of loneliness, pain and guilt. In the most precious name of Jesus Christ I pray 

What ending do I want for those who hurt me?

The Christian therapist shared:" Write one column of bad events that happened in your life and another column of good events that happened as well. "

I decided to just write one for both as I am in a rush.

Bad : I lost my entire savings on 22 Jan 2022 due to a love scam and my mental health was badly affected and had suicidal tendecies from time to time.

Good: I know who supported me and walked me through the journey and who deserted and despised me. 

Prayers: Dear Heavenly Father, Help me. I want to paint different strokes and shades of colours in life. Be with me, In Jesus name I pray

My life - My canvas

Dream is a portal for me to escape the loneliness, the mundane, the pain, the anguish and the bored life. Today pain secretly sliced me a couple of times. My heart was bleeding. I dont know what to do.I tried to distract by plugging songs. Perhaps I should pray. I was so exhausted after teaching just now. I was literally crawling to the bus stop. I feel bored and restless. 

Dear Heavenly Father, be with me. When I feel pain, may You send forth angels to draw a hedge of protection over me. Heal my heart and grief go away! When I feel lonely, may a song of hope arises. When I feel bored, help me. In the most precious name of Jesus CHrist I pray

I have a dream : To meet a godly man and we serve together

I want to dream: To lead a healthy lifestyle where I can hang out with new friends, talk , walk and chat with one another

I need to dream: To pray fervently for the business to increase in numbers so that there is continuity and increase my faith in finances, able to pay rent and salaries and minister to students

I have a dream / I want to dream / I need to dream

Towards the scammer and syndicate, a stroke of emotions pierced my emotions canvas. A stroke of anger brushed across the canvas. I questioned God " Why? What did I do wrong? Why did the scammer devise such sinister plan? How could the scammer do this to me? How I wish he can go straight to hell. He should burn in eternity. The entire syndicate should burn in hell forever for they have inflicted so much pain and anguish to all the victims. One of the victims, the nurse is still going through hell, paying for her mistake. So am I. Why are the victims paying for a mistake and the wrongdoers can get away scot free!? God, where are you? Where is justice rendered? Where is the vindication ? Another stroke of hatred brushed furiously against the canvas.  " That is my first instant thought. I sighed. Hatred can blind and cloud my judgment. I am paralysed with the rollercoaster emotions. My canvas is filled different shades of red. I teared. 

Dear Heavenly Father, I choose to forgive the scammer and the syndicate for You have forgiven me. I choose to release the anger, bitterness, resentment ( towards them ) into Your hands. Heal my heart. I dont want to live in a world of pain and anguish , not even a single moment. Flood my heart with Your love, grace, mercy. Rebuild, restore and redeem my identity that is only built on Your words, Your love and Your presence. I want my life to live only for You, not immersing in mistakes that I have made. In the most precious name of Jesus Christ I pray 

Anger? Rage? Hatred? Bitterness? Regret? Pain? A palette of emotions

I want a day that is different from my yesterdays. It starts with today.

I have a dream. A dream only God can help to fulfil.

When I wake up, I feel refreshed, invigorated and rejuvenated. 

It is like as if electricity pulsated through my entire body. 

Holy Spirit is powering me like a superwoman , discarding the robe of depression, negativity and depression.

The joy of the Lord is my strength and is like a fountain bubbling within me.

I began praying fervently for myself, my family members and my friends. I began to pray whatever God has placed in my heart. 

My friends surrounds me and encourage me through prayers and messages. 

I take good care of myself in terms of diet and exercise. 

As I walk in the park, worship music permeates in my mind and heart and I began turbo charge even more. 

More parents sign up for the classes and my friend and I became financially stable. I do not need to fret over the rent and salaries. Financial worries do not plague me at all. 

My faith is secured in Christ and Christ alone. 

Perhaps I might meet the special one. The godly one. If God wills

In the most precious name of Jesus Christ I pray

Dream crafter

I couldnt wake up at all. I am exhausted. I tried to distract myself by eating breakfast and vacuuming and mopping the floors, clean up the respective rooms. I need God so much. Epson called and told me that they are unable to deliver my printer in time and I have to spend another day to wait for the service the printer. This means that I will miss my exercise routine 2 days in a row. It is not a good start for the week. I hate it when things dont go my way. I am thankful that there is a coloured printer for me to use just that my schedule is disrupted. It is annoying and frustrating. I need to spice things up in my life, in a good way of course. Not to turn to food, drugs, sex or any thing that destroy me in the long run. But I am clueless on how to turn my mundane life around. Depression saps me so much and I need God to help me to completely take it away.

Dear Heavenly Father, help me. I dont know what else to say or pray already. But my eyes are on You. Help me , O Lord, to see things from Your perspective. Help me to chase the heavy, dark feelings away and flood my heart with Your love , peace and hope. In the most precious name of Jesus Christ I pray

Fatigue plagues me and Only God can take it away

My feelings towards you were the strongest yesterday. Especially after 6 days of teaching, I longed to chat with you. I longed to chat the snippets of my life to you. I know you will listen attentively. You will counsel me. Perhaps you think it is just a brotherly affection towards me. But I can tell you a man and a woman can never have a platonic relationship. It is either the guy or girl will fall in love with the other. I am the living proof. I used to have one during secondary school days. I didnt expect to have another one now. I seem to attract men who are loners, no friends. I am the extrovert while the guy I like is extreme introverts. Very annoying and frustrating. 

Prayers: Dear Heavenly Father, I surrender him into Your hands. I bless him and may You be with him. Seal my heart with Your love. Heal my heart with Your grace and mercy. i pray for holy forgetfulness to forget about him and move on. In the most precious name of Jesus Christ I pray 

Can I miss you? - single track crush

Today, I called to Ali, plumber for fixing something at house. A lady picked up the phone, and asked for confirmation.

She was about to cry, she said, unka to intkal ho gaya (He is dead). I was shocked, I asked how. It was an accident. I could not say anything to her. After few seconds pause, I just said acha! Cut the call. Shocked! Life is so unpredictable.

Plumber Ali is no more

The devil knows when it is the opportune time to strike. When I feel lonely, tired and empty. When I feel restless and bored. Past memories surfaced. My innocence was taken away by a relief teacher. Step by step, he gained my trust, destroyed my self esteem and emotionally blackmail to gain control of me emotionally and physically. I didnt know that whatever he did was absolutely wrong. 

I had no moral compass as my childhood was in total abandonment and neglect mode. My mom suffered severe depression, constant bickering and fights permeated the entire house. My dad was the culprit. He was rich and had multiple affairs , including the helper. It was a horrible childhood where my mom took it out on me and destroyed my shred of self esteem. Yet at the same time, she was the one constantly fed me. Reminicising it brought me immense pain and anger. This needs to be dealt with as well. Now I know, this is known as CPTSD. I need God to walk through the memory lane and cover in prayers. 

That was the entry point where the devil gain access and sucidial thoughts entered in. I felt life is really meaningless. My mom hates me for I look exactly like her. I felt like a discarded toy. I was struggling so badly and different personalities arise. My grandma shared that I was preconceived out of wedlock. That explains why their marriage was on rocks. I was shell shocked. Asian cultures back then were conservative. I have paid 25 years of my life, struggling singlehood and felt marriage was elusive. I questioned that does it pay to follow God? Should I have chosen a prebeliever and marry for the sake of marrying?

I paused. Pain hits me as I tries to sort out my thoughts. My mind starts to fog and I stared blankly at the window. The devil whispered and planted such devious thoughts : " My life is over. I have nothing left. Innocence gone. Life savings gone. Emotions gone. 3 men have robbed at different stages of my life robbed me completely. This is victim mentality. " These are the devil's thoughts, not mine. 

Prayers: Dear Heavenly Father, help me. I know You are listening to my prayers now. Eradicate all these self defeating and victimised mentality. I draw the blood of Jesus in my life. No more victim mentality. No more "poor me" mentality. God, may You send forth Holy Spirit to minister to me , walk me through the memory lane, show me that You are there in every stage of my life. Teach me how to pray at every stage, rebuild my self esteem through Your words. Help me, God. Flood my mind with Your love, grace and mercy and I bind the sucidial thoughts in my mind right now and cast it to You, silence the devil, O God. In the most precious name of Jesus Christ I pray.

Self defeating thought crept in and it must be dealt immediately

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My best friend's reply caused me to cry

I just called the service centre to verify the loaned printer. I was upset with the outcome and called best friend to rant about it. I know she meant well for me and started offering solution in a karen mode. Soon, I find myself deregulate, shutdown and even started to crying. She explained that it does not pay to be a nice customer, must escalate the matter and bring this matter to the manager level. Then, things will be resolved at a faster rate. She was from a call centre and being a manager, she knew what is the process and the bottlenecks. She was offering solutions in an agitated manner and this is not like her. She damn cucumber mode, meaning non-chalant and cool. 

I asked myself why did I behave this way? It triggered the initial memory of how the scammer emotionally blackmail me , belittling my occupation, making me feel very small, trampling my low self esteem. How I should I invest for "our future" in this financial app that he has recommended. He reminded me not to tell best friend  about this investment. Naively I fell for it. This was the initial stage of how the entire love scam unfolds. That is why I became deregulated, shaken and memories start to pour back. I had to wash the toilet to calm myself down. My mind started fogging and I knew I had to pen this down to let go of the matter and cover the incident in prayers to move on. 

Prayers: Dear Heavenly Father, I know that there is a reason why things unfold this manner and You have allowed the memory to resurface. Not to trap me , but to look at the love scam incident at  a different perspective and surrender the matter to God and ask for Him to deliver me out of this mental mess and stabilise me. Help me, God. May the presence of the Holy Spirit quiet my wounded soul and cuddle me. God, vindicate for me and the victims. I stand in the gap for the victims and I pray for extreme vindication and judgment towards the syndicate and the scammer. FIght for us, O Lord. I pray recompense 7 fold for victims and myself. Bless us wisdom and discernment not to fall for the devil's trap and schemes. Help us O Lord, in the most precious name of Jesus Christ I pray 

All it takes is a printer issue to deregulate me

My friend asked what do I like about you? I remained silent. I dont know how to explain. Why do I fall so easily? Perhaps the depth of our conversations? Perhaps the frequency of our calls? Perhaps the longing of hearing your voice and your sharing :) Perhaps the familiarity?  I dont know. But one thing I know is that I am glad that I have known you. Even the ending is sad and bitter, but at least I can move on.

Prayers: Dear Heavenly Father, I thank You for his presence in my life. I pray that may You close the door between me and him so that I can move on with Your grace and mercy. Fill my heart with Your grace, in the most precious name of Jesus Christ I pray

I miss you but the degree of longing is lesser

A story between two individuals, a man and a woman. Let's assume that male is Dhruv and female is Spatika. They met through a matrimonial site and liked each other's profiles. They got their first video call, and Dhruv was impressed by how Spatika behaved and how she spoke with him. On the other hand, Spatika was uncertain about Dhruv's first video encounter. She was perplexed, unsure whether Dhruv was flirting with her or whether it was Dhruv's internal feeling. The days passed, and both stayed silent. One fine day, Dhruv asked Spatika to have a video call. Spatika also thought of learning more about Dhruv, and agreed to get a call. In the second call, the two spoke well, and Spatika was also impressed with Dhruv's behaviour. The two of them were happy.

After that, they kept in constant contact. They shared their memories of life, their career paths, and so on. The two of them were extremely interested in each other.

During conversations, Spatika learned that Dhruv give more importance to physical appearance, always thinking that he has the best body and expecting the same from his partner. Spatika didn't exactly think of it.

Spatika and Dhruv were anxious to meet. They met, and Dhruv was not satisfied with Spatik's appearance. Spatika did not meet Dhruv's seemingly physical expectations. First thing Dhruv told Spatika was that you'd gotten too skinny. Spatika saw disappointment in Dhruv's face, and she felt very insecure, and all of her confidence vanished. Spatika wasn't interested in talking anymore, so she remained silent. On the other hand, Dhruv tried to speak so formally as opposed to their day-to-day conversation. Dhruv kept on saying your face looks small, you were nice in matrimony photos, when did you take those photos? Since when is your face so tiny?

Spatika was fed up and expected to leave as quickly as possible. They met for an hour, then left.

Spatika, which gives more importance to a person's mentality, how they speak and think is not specific to physical appearance. "Is that the same person she spoke to every day?" She kept wondering. Is she who I used to share everything with? she was shocked by the manner in which Dhruv spoke during their first direct meeting. She felt sad.

Spatika lost all her confidence. Everyone judged her when she got fat. She lose weight through diet and physical activity. Someone is now passing judgement based on physical appearance.

She just wanted a life partner who wouldn't judge her and accept her as who she is. On the other hand, whenever she met people through matrimonial proposals, everyone was only concerned about her physical appearance, and the feelings and inner behavior of her was little concern to them.

My last words are, "The appearance of our body is within our hands." We don't stay in shape. Happiness comes when we stop thinking about others' judgements and live life the way we want. I wish Spatika had the same mentality and learned something new whenever she was rejected by someone. I hope Spatika will have a life partner as she wishes.

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Do looks matter more than personality ??

I happened to watch 2 videos. One lightened my heavy heart while the other reminded me all shall pass. What truths can I glean from these videos? I dont love myself enough. I have allowed events, speeches and anything and everything to swing my emotions very easily. I have really enjoyed chatting with him, sharing my heart out, pouring my rantings to him. To me, a listening ear is so precious and hard to find. Perhaps my age. Perhaps my occupation. I am forced to be a solo giver. I find it so hard to receive. I lost sleep last night and tried to drown myself in social media. Loneliness invaded me like thousand of knives piercing me at the same time. I prayed. I tried to plug into sermons, listening to worship songs, yet my soul refused to be comforted. I asked God, take my life away. I find life really meaningless. Being single is so tough at my age is so tough. I see children everywhere yet none is mine. The aching desire is so piercing. I texted my best friend who is married but desire a child could relate to my aching desire of having a child. I texted my cousin how can she cope loneliness during these festive seasons?

Prayers: Dear Heavenly Father, help me. I surrender my life to You. I dont know how else to pray already. I surrender my creative will to you. I dont want to ruminate about him. I know the shadow of him will slowly fade away as time trickles. Strengthen me O Lord with Your grace. Be with me, fill my aching lonely heart with Your love and mercy, in the most precious name of Jesus Christ I pray

All shall pass

I will think of texting him and tell him how I feel today

Loneliness is amplified when I am facing myself

Prayers: Dear Heavenly Father, I know You are real. Help me. Flood my heart with Your love until loneliness has no space to stay afoot in my heart. Bless me a good night sleep tonight. In the most precious name of Jesus Christ I pray

The hardest time to face my raw emotions is at night

The waves of sorrow subsided. Perhaps it is the pressure of work drowns it out. Perhaps the listening of love experts and best friends starts to kick in. I shall continue to surrender my feelings towards him to God and choose to bless him from afar.

Prayers: Dear Heavenly Father, help me. I need to remain focus and continue to work. IN the most precious name of Jesus Christ I pray  

A glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel

I regret that I contacted him on New Year's day. I lost sleep that very night. I had a rollercoaster of emotions today as well. I wrote an email in the morning to pray for him and wished him all the best. I specifically stated, friend. I dont want to be his sister anymore. I started to miss contacting him. I started to miss sharing my little daily grind to him. I miss him so so much. But this is known as sticky. Men needed personal space. I hate the way I feel. It is like I position myself in the shorter end of the stick. He also drew the line. I dont want to have anything to do with him anymore. Simply put, I was so hurt. I question myself, why do I meet undesirable relationships? 

 I began ruminating what he has written. It sucks. I am so glad that I have deleted it. I dont want to hold on any evidence to prove anything. Perhaps he is just concerned as a friend. Perhaps. God, I am hurting so so badly. I tried to walk around the supermarket to forget about him and to distract myself after work. Numbness invaded me. Sorrow followed me like a shadow. I kept on telling myself , if I ever contacted him, I will be a dog. Haha. Why is love so elusive? Why do I envy people holding hands and walking on the street? How I long for that.. How I long for companion and company. When the lessons ended, loneliness and fatigue crept in. 

Prayers: Dear Heavenly Father, I am so sorry. Help me. I want to surrender any possible feelings that I have towards him and pray for holy forgetfulness to forget him and move on in life. I need to heal and recover. I cannot afford any self inflicted wounds anymore. I still need to focus on recovering from CPTSD and 2 traumas. I cannot afford any hurts and new wounds. Stop him from contacting me anymore, close the door between me and him. I dont even want to be his friend anymore simply I dont know how to be a friend for him without developing any feelings. I dont want to feel so humbled , humiliated and embarrased anymore. Heal my heart, O Lord. I choose to bless him and I wish him all the best. Never let our paths crossed again, God. I dont want to go through this rollercoaster emotions. It is so painful and tormenting. I surrender and help me God, in the most precious name of Jesus Christ I pray

Turning my page of regret to a new page of release and moving on

I booked a ticket for Drishyam-2. I wanted to watch this, but Kanika was not here. I went alone for the movie, in theatre. It was feeling awkward in theatre. But, I enjoyed a lot.

The movie was really awesome. In 2nd half, when the suspense broke. It was completely shocked to see the kind of preparedness shown by the hero. I wanted to clap.

After the movie, I had lunch at Haldiram. I took a thali, and also took Jalebi for me. Mistakenly I bought larger portion of Jalebi. When I took that, I asked him to pack it half. But, he gave me the full box. I was not feeling comfortable to eat that big box there alone. So, I ate that in Taxi.

BTW, Kanika took the car to her home. So, I came here in Taxi. It was a good day.

And and and, after returning. I watched the Malyalam version too, with english subtitles.

Watching Drishyam was a treat

I recently took a new dedicated server. I did talk to lot of vendors. Finally, I did settle for one. It cost around 70K for an year. It was a costly one, but with dedicated one I hope to get good performance.

As soon as I get the server, within 2 days I migrated all of my websites to this. The new migration I did around my websites, really helped me quickly migration. I was feeling proud of myself. I did many things in server too, in quick succession. That gave me lot of confidence, which I needed for sure.

New dedicated server for Planndesign and other websites

I was eagerly waiting for the shutdown. I was exhausted by office-office.

Kanika also went to her home with kids. So, it was a nice time to spend time alone. Much needed.

First half went into improving Planndesign. Then, I started work for VizitSure, my new venture. 

Also, I did watch a lot of movies. I also went to watch Drishyam movie in theatre alone. It was an awesome movie.

Last 3 days were spent at in-laws house. We went to see a girl for Shivam.

I also did some deep-thinking about the future.

Adobe Shutdown 2022-23

The wave of sorrow hits me out of nowhere. Numbness soon followed. I miss him. My buddy asked me why do I like him? He has nothing under his name. I didnt even see him physically. Not even once. It is all online. She couldnt  understand. But I know what I have experienced. We share similar life experiences and spur each other on. It is so precious that we can share everything without being judged. I tell myself, he is not worth it. Not because he has no assets, but the attitude and thoughts behind his actions disappoint me tremendously. His words were like bullets piercing me whenever I ponder over it. There is no conclusive result over it. What can he do? What will he do? Nothing. Alhough my love language is words of affirmation, he indeed has filled my love tank full. But love is not sustainable without any actions. 

Perhaps I have misunderstood his intentions. Perhaps. My buddy said the episodes that I share with her reminded me of her ex husband. She asked me, am I able to support him financially? Am I able to foot every single thing under tab? Her ex husband made her pay all of furniture, housing loan and literally everything and he simply shake his leg. He betrayed her and even had a son in the midst of painful separation and eventually divorce. She does not need to share with the details of her marriage but she knows I am one step closer and closer to become her no 2. She chose to share because she does not want me to follow her footsteps.

I cried over the phone just now. I am barely coming out of the traumas and now I have fell into a pit because of replying him in messages and talking over the phone. I long for his companionship and chat. But this is insufficient in the long run. I need a godly man who is financially stable. I dont need him to earn big bucks until he lost sight of God. But I need him to bring me for meals, even hawker food is good enough for me. When he said he can cook for me , as he is unemployed. My buddy asked me am I going to foot for the ingredients of the dish? I was silent. I lost it and cried bucket of tears. I just lost everything and all I want is someone who brings me out to beaches, parks, reservoirs and have a simple meal. I dont need bags, cosmetics or any luxury goods. All I want is the attitude and thoughts of a godly man, bringing me closer to God. I bawled as I shared with her. She knew how hard I was last year. I just want to be nicer to myself. 

Prayers: Dear Heavenly Father, help me. I need sleep so badly I want days of continous sleep. I dont want to be plagued with love issues any more. Why is it so difficult to find a godly man who is financially stable and can connect with me? My heart hurts so much. God, heal my heart. I surrender that pain and him into Your hands. You take care of it. IN the most precious name of Jesus CHrist I pray

What should I do when the wave of sorrow hits?

I didnt sleep much after chatting with him. It is like a scab that was recovering so so well and out of weakness and out of loneliness, I opened his email on New Year's day. I decided to download the Hello Talk app. Gingerly, I looked through the messages that were displayed for almost a month. My heart was stirred. The last straw was that he had covid. I decided to chat and find if he is ok. Huge mistake. I shouldnt have. I soon spiralled into a state of sorrow. I emailed him to express how I feel. It was quite idiot proof that I had feelings for him and I was trying to restrain myself. I told him I cannot download the app and need to settle down my emotions. I dont want to use him as an emotional crutch and rely him so much. I received huge disappointment when I dont receive his messages and I was already straight to the point. Can you come to my country and we try to work it out? I long for his physical company but it sounds so pathetic.

At night, I decided to download the app again and I saw his single message: "I didnt know that I have caused so much stress in you." I am speechless. I call him again. He was firm and used the very words that I have penned in the email. He stated very clearly, pure friendship. Yet, if you look at the words that he has expressed for the past month, it was clear that he had feelings for me. Could I interpret his words wrongly? But tell me, why would a guy write freaking daily and express his longing and missing towards me? He is sending so confusing and misleading signals. Once again, I am hurt. Not a good start for the new year. He was asking me to put aside all the feelings and focus on healing and our so called emotions are friendship. Focus on healing. Pure friendship. He dont want to be stress out and spoils this so called pure friendship. Wow. I remained silent and soon knives of pain, confusion and anger pierced into my heart. Flashes of his longing messages tried to justify this meaningless situation. Anger soon ignited. He kept on speaking his mother tongue as if he lost it as well and want to bring the point across that I need to focus on healing and not other stuff and stress him as well.Should I have taken pictures of what he has written and ask my friends? But then again i think this action would have hurt me even deeper as I have the evidence. Anyway, I didnt do it in the end.

I told God, never will I approach him again. Even though he might email, I will not open the mail anymore. I will not make the initiative to call him via hellotalk. He cannot commit and gave his terms. 

3. Even if marriage, it is just for company. He has past the stage of sexual desires. He just want mental connection

Our last conversation seem to revolve around marriage and last night conversations as well. It is like we are playing a deck of poker cards, trying to understand each other's limits and boundaries. He also expressed that he didnt like the way I teased him and said I should not do that in front of friends. Need to give him face. But the point is how the hell can it even take place? We are in different countries, different social standings, huge income gap and there is a gulf of problems between us. He has been unemployed for 1 year and based on the environment, he is facing a huge national crisis that basically has 20% unemployment. 

He was still trying to give me emotional support, encouraging me to move on from the traumas and tragedies that I have experienced. Perhaps God has used him to speak to me. Perhaps. But at the same token, I have fallen for him and I am shutting down. I dont want to listen to his logical reasonings any more. After the call, I tried to drown myself with social media and anxiety hit me so hard that I simply cannot sleep. Once again, I have landed myself into unnecessary pain. So much pain. I hated this fuzz. I told God , help me. I dont want this messy, so called brother like relationship. So he cares for me from a brother perspective and I have mistaken his intentions? Come on, then why talk about marriage? I am so hurt. 

Dear Heavenly Father, I am so sorry. I have opened a door that should  not have open. A door that has inflicted me so much pain. A door that caused me to lose sleep. I need a regular habit of sleeping well. I pray for holy forgetfulness to forget my conversations with him last night, the messages that he has written to me. Help me to focus on You and You alone. Why God, is it so hard to find a godly man that I can simply connect? I lost hope and I rather bank my hope on You. You never fail me. I surrender this matter into Your hands. God, help me to put this matter behind my back and move on in 2023 with Your grace and mercy. I just want to heal and recover and no longer be trapped in this love stuff anymore. Help me God. IN the most precious name of Jesus Christ I pray